


Petrified

by Lady_sb



Series: Three Views on Marriage [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 48,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21927661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_sb/pseuds/Lady_sb
Summary: Is three years too long to get over someone?This is the question plaguing Sonny Carisi when he hears that Rafael Barba is back in New York after more than a year away. He always thought that chapter of his life was over when they broke up, but now he is not so sure.Along the way there are exes, unresolved emotions and unexpected storms.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Three Views on Marriage [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1529501
Comments: 57
Kudos: 70





	1. ~Chapter I~

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first work for this fandom and this pairing, which after a bit of hesitation have come to absolutely love. These two characters have become my favourite just because I love the interaction between the two, but also because I am so late to this fandom there is a lot to consider and fill the gaps for. 
> 
> But on the positive side there are just so many great writers here and I have enjoyed reading so many of them. 
> 
> Just as importantly, this is forms part of my "Three Views on Marriage" series, where I explore how three couples, across three fandoms, deal with the ideas of love, relationships and marriage. From those who want it to be the be all and end all, to those who tried it and realised it wasn't for them, to those who feel that maybe it is not necessary a choice. You don't need to have read all three to enjoy the individual stories, but reading all three will give a more complete picture. 
> 
> Comments/kudos are so much love :)

***

_When you’re alone, at night,_  
_do you run and hide?_  
_Are you strong, inside,_  
_are you full of pride?_  
_Or just petrified?_

***

“How is it New York still smells the same?” 

Olivia Benson could not help but smile fondly at her friend’s observation as she poured freshly brewed coffee into two cups. She looked up as she reached for the milk and felt her smile broaden. 

It felt almost surreal to her that after not having him in her life for more than a year, that Rafael Barba would be standing by her window looking out at Manhattan in sunset, gilding the buildings burnt ochre. 

“What did you expect Rafa? You go away for a year and in that time they magically fix the subway and sewage system?” Olivia teased as she handed Barba a cup of coffee. 

As Rafael gratefully accepted the cup, Olivia felt the knot of worry she had been carrying for him ever since he left tug and loosen. In his forest green sweater and well-worn jeans, Rafael looked the same, the only main difference being the beard he was now sporting. 

Not only that, his aura was the same. Strong, commanding, with an almost impenetrable sense of self. 

Yet, he was still so effortlessly sexy in a way that appealed to the most female part of her. 

“Surely Dubai smelt just like sand and heat,” Olivia commented as she sat in her favourite armchair and tucked her feet underneath her. 

“It did, but things moved really fast there. It was as if the city changed every night. I would drive past empty plots of land that would suddenly have apartments pop up in like weeks. Malls would just add new floors every week and...” 

Rafael paused when he saw Olivia looking at him with a fond expression on her face. 

“It’s good to have you back Rafa,” Olivia said softly. “I missed my friend.” 

Rafeal’s expression mirrored hers. 

“I missed you too Liv,” Rafael said, and Olivia could feel the weight of each word. She took Rafael’s hand and gave it a squeeze as if to tell him that it was alright. 

“So, tell me more about your glamorous life in the Middle East,” Olivia said briskly as she tried to lighten the mood. “You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard from Rita that you ended up working for some rich guy?” 

“Well it was because of her why I did Liv. She was the one who offered up the job. She just shoved a bunch of law books at me, told me to wear my best blue suit and just show up at this address.” 

Rafael smiled at the memory as he took a sip of his coffee, how Rita had to practically drag him out the door to go to the job interview, telling him through gritted teeth that she was tired of his moping. 

“Apparently the Emirati liked how I looked and took me on. He has a whole bunch of lawyers, but he likes to surround himself with a wide range of expertise apparently,” Rafael added carelessly. 

Olivia inwardly shook her head at how Rafael played down the fact that he was brilliant, and that it was probably more appealing than his tailored wardrobe. 

“I should have been offended actually, but it was easy work that I was paid stupidly well for, so I can’t really complain,” Rafael said with a laugh that Olivia followed along with. 

But Olivia saw the very slightest of shifts in Barba’s expression and felt the knot tighten again.

Rafael drew a deep breath. 

“And I needed to get out of the city for a while,” he finished quietly. 

Olivia wanted so much to hug him in that moment, to reassure him in a way she had a hundred times before. 

But before she could make her move, Rafael’s confidence returned as if a switch had been flipped. 

“What about you Liv? What have I been missing? I can see that Noah is doing great, but what about everything else?”

It was obvious that Rafael was trying to change the subject, and the stubborn part of her still wanted to know more about his actual state of mind, to dig deeper. But the larger part of her also knew that his question was anything but small talk. 

Barba did not do small talk. 

“Well society still sucks…” Rafael let out a small scoff. “...but the squad is good, well as good as we can be fighting the scum of the earth.” 

The scoff became a chuckle. 

“Fin is finding more time for his kids and their kids, which has done wonders for his patience.” 

“Really?” Rafael raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Olivia laughed. 

“Yes really,” she said with a smile. 

“Amanda had baby number two, almost married the guy, but came to the conclusion that she was too good for him… which she was,” Olivia said pointedly. 

“She had her two girls are doing fine.” 

“That is great to hear,” Rafael said sincerely. But he felt his throat thicken as an unnamed emotion scratched his skin and tightened in spirals at his fingertips. 

Olivia heard rather than saw the soft tap of his fingernails on the side of the mug and gave him a kind look. 

She cleared her throat. 

“Carisi is being...well Carisi. Unlucky in love and putting in too many hours,” Olivia laughed. “But he’s always been a good cop, and getting better, not that I would ever tell him.” 

Barba gave a small laugh at the obvious joke as his body seemed to relax, but his face remained an impassioned blank.

Benson had to bite back a sigh. It seemed that no amount of time away would make Barba stop from putting up dams and opening up more than he had to. 

“So what are you going to be filling your time with Rafa? You looking for work? I have a few suggestions if you want,” she said. 

Rafael shook his head. 

“No work, not right now at least,” he said quietly, and Olivia swore she could see something slip in and out of the shadows of his words. But in the next instant, his smile was back and it was so genuine that it made her think she must have been mistaken. 

“My mum keeps asking me to help out, which I will begrudgingly,” Rafael said almost churlishly, arms folded. “And oh! I have a friend coming from out of town for a holiday. Will bring you to meet him, you will love him,” he added. 

The way that Rafael said the word ‘friend’ made Olivia’s detective-sense tingle. 

“Just a friend?” Olivia said deliberately, her eyebrow raised. Rafael rolled his eyes in response. 

“Yes, a friend and his _boyfriend_ are coming to New York, it’s the boyfriend’s first time here and I promised I would show them around. They want to do some touristy stuff which I am terrible at,” Rafael laughed and Olivia was instantly warmed by the sound. 

It had been so long since she heard Barba laugh like that. It was enough to chip away at her last memory of him. 

Standing on the steps of the courthouse, regret evident in the set of his shoulders. 

“Great, tell me more about him? Over dinner?”

“Sure,” Rafael said. 

“I’ll go get Noah, and you think of what you want to eat,” she said standing up.  
Before turning to her son’s bedroom, Olivia couldn’t resist crossing the carpet to give the former ADA a firm hug. 

“Welcome home Rafael Barba,” she said softly into his ear. 

“Thanks Liv,” Rafael said basking in the warm acceptance of her hug. But his expression changed the minute she turned around, so that she could not see that he was holding something back. 

The fact that he wasn’t sure whether New York would remain his home in the near future. 

Leaving the US had opened a lot of doors for him, more than he had been expecting. His Emirati boss had been so impressed with his work that Rafael had been getting job offers from all over the world from a number of his business associates. 

London, Abu Dhabi, Berlin, Tokyo, Hong Kong. 

It seemed that not a couple of days would go by without an email landing in his inbox titled “I heard from…” followed by an offer that had more zeros than he could count. 

And a part of him had to admit that after seeing how broad the world was, it got harder and harder not to feel constrained by New York’s four boroughs. 

Already he felt a yearning for days of molten gold and faded sandalwood filling the needle gaps between modern skyscrapers. Linens that smelt of soft cotton and juniper and sex. 

Truth was, aside from Liv and his mum, there was precious little to keep him here. And neither of them had space for him in their lives. 

He could no longer deny himself the allure of leaving New York. 

But yes, for the moment, he was home. 

***

“So he’s back in town huh?” 

Sonny Carisi always prided himself in being brought up right. He was a good Catholic who never missed a Sunday service, he was good to his parents and held an endless amount of patience for the screwball antics of his sisters. 

He was pretty sure he was in good standing with the Higher Power.

Which is why he was sure that little eavesdropping wouldn’t be much of a black mark on his record. Plus, it wasn’t as if he meant to eavesdrop, the Lieu’s door was open, and she and Amanda weren’t whispering. 

“Hey Lieu, got a minute…” 

Although their conversation was not meant to be secret, he didn’t fail to notice how both of them clammed up the minute he walked through the door. 

Sonny’s eyes narrowed, now he was curious. 

“Yes Carisi?” 

“Got those reports you wanted, and I wanted to go over the notes with you too Rollins,” Sonny said waving the files in Benson’s general direction. 

Amanda nodded as she looked back at Olivia, who dismissed her with a wave as she reached for the manila folders Carisi handed her.

Sonny watched her scan through the papers, but he couldn’t stop himself from shooting a side glance at Amanda. The way she averted her eyes and looked at her shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the world ratched up his suspicions even more. 

“Good work guys. If you finish the paperwork, you both can head home,” Benson said briskly as she pulled a sheet of paper closer to jot a few things down. 

Sonny could barely contain himself from asking, his body vibrating like a spring. But he waited until they were both at their desks, Amanda sitting across from him nonchalantly twirling her blonde hair around finger. 

“What were you and the Lieu talking about Rollins?” Sonny asked, trying as hard as he could to sound casual. 

“Talking about?” Amanda answered her blue eyes guileless, as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. Sonny’s mouth twisted at her answer, telling her that he wasn’t accepting anything other than the truth. 

Amanda inwardly groaned. Sonny could be like a dog with a bone when he wanted to know something. It both made him a good cop and at the same time the most insufferable person in the world when it came to keeping secrets. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about Carisi,” Amanda said, stalling for time as she stubbornly played dumb. 

“Amanda…” 

Ergh, she hated it when he said her name like that. It made her feel 15 again and her mother had busted her for catching a smoke behind the shed. 

“Okay fine I suppose it’s not a big deal, but Barba is back in town.” 

Carisi felt his heart stutter. 

“He is?” Carisi said, and now it was his turn to try and sound unruffled. Which of course Amanda saw right through. But what was completely unexpected was the sharp feeling that sliced through her at his reaction. 

“Apparently. Liv said that he came by and he is looking all rested. Well as rested as Barba can look. She said he was working overseas for a bit but now he’s back,” she said absentmindedly scratching her pen over the surface of her notepad. 

“I heard that he left New York. She said where he would be working?” Carisi asked, trying to ignore the way his pulse thrummed in his veins. 

“Nope,” Amanda said. Her heart sank a little when she looked across at Carisi and saw the expression on his face. She had seen that look a few too many times before. 

“Tell you what, I am gonna cut out. Will come in early and finish everything,” Amanda said stuffing her phone in her bag and checking her gun. Getting up, she shrugged on her jacket and placed a hand on Sonny’s shoulder.

“Wanna come?” 

He shook his head. 

“Nah, I’m on a roll with this. Kiss the girls for me okay?” Sonny answered putting his hand on top of hers. 

When she left, he turned his attention back to the case files in front of him, taking a deep breath in order to stop the letters from merging into each other. Part of him hated how he had automatically reacted at the sound of Barba’s name, because honestly, he thought he had made peace with how the ADA had left. 

Deep down though, he knew that it wasn’t so simple. 

But despite his optimistic nature, Sonny was also a realist. So he knew push those thoughts out of his head and turn back to work, taking comfort and balance in the mundanity of the process. 

Before he realised it, the clock had turned 9 and there was no one else left in the office save him and the Lieu, who by the sounds of it was taking a phone call in her office. 

Gathering the papers in one arm, he awkwardly tried to open the door with his elbow. Sonny tried as hard as he could to stop everything from falling to the ground, but by inadvertently jostling it open he caught a fragment of Olivia’s conversation that made him freeze. 

“Your usual place? Sure but I will be late…” 

Covering the mouthpiece with her hand, Benson gave Carisi a look that was simultaneously full of pity and annoyance. 

“Need a hand there Carisi?” 

“Nah, nah I got it Lieu,” Carisi mumbled as he righted himself and managed to get his paperwork on Benson’s desk without making more of an ass of himself. 

“Good, go home Carisi,” Olivia said, her orders given to him in her best mother hen voice, but he could also see that she was eager to get back to her call. 

Sonny nodded. 

“Good night Lieu, see you tomorrow,” Carisi said with what he hoped was a careless wave. 

Again, he didn’t mean to eavesdrop. 

This time though, he wondered if God would be as forgiving. 

***

Sonny ended up at Forlini’s almost by instinct. It seemed as if his feet led him there before his head could process what he was doing. 

But even as he sat down at the bar, he told himself that there would be no way that Barba would show up here, or in fact if that conversation Benson was having was with Rafael. 

For all he knew, Barba’s ‘usual place’ would be somewhere else. That the memories associated with _this_ bar, and this crowd would be too strong, too bitter for him. 

That was his rationalisation after he had been sitting there for about an hour, about three beers deep and slightly buzzed around the edges.

Yet, he still sat there for a little while longer, this time his feet were unwilling to leave. 

Just as he was telling himself that what he was doing here was stupid, he looked up to pay his tab. 

There he was. 

Standing in the doorway. 

And Sonny suddenly found it hard to breathe. 

The noise of the crowd, the clinking of glasses, the muted laughter, all became static in his peripheral consciousness. 

You would think that after almost two years, Sonny would stop feeling that kick of desire when he looked at Barba. 

There was a touch more gray in his hair then when Sonny had last seen him, and the beard was new, but all it did was make him look more distinguished, especially since his broad frame was now noticeably trimmer under his dark coat. 

He looked so handsome, but Sonny’s heart ached to ask him if he had been eating well, whether the past few years had been stressful for him. 

It seemed that aside from desire, the other thing Sonny could not stop himself from feeling was concern. 

But before Sonny could swallow the lump in his throat and build up the courage to even wave at the older man, he was stopped in his tracks when someone came up behind Barba and put his hand on his shoulder, causing him to turn and smile. 

The back of Sonny’s mouth went dry. 

The man that walked in with Barba was hard to ignore. 

Tall, broad-shouldered with almost classic matinee idol features, accentuated with a flirtatious, rakish grin that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a movie poster for a 1950s romantic comedy. 

But it was his eyes that were the most mesmerising, an amazing crystalline blue that had an almost permanent sparkle to them. It made him look warm, it made him look sexy. 

Even the floor-length dark blue vintage greatcoat he wore just added to his overall appeal. 

Sonny could see the effect the effect this stranger had on the people around him. How they played with their hair, pulled their clothes straight as they tried to not look directly at him. 

Simply put, they didn’t make em’ like that anymore. 

Just as Sonny felt like he was going to internally implode, another man came in after them. While the same height as Barba’s companion, his presence was much quieter, but he walked with greater purpose. 

Sonny noticed how the newcomer pulled the handsome man close and whispered something in his ear. The soft smile the faux-movie star sported as he listened instead of the previous smirk spoke to Sonny of a much more intimate connection between the two. 

It was at that very moment that Barba happened to look up and met Sonny’s gaze. 

And suddenly Sonny was transported back to four years ago. 

**

**//Four Years Earlier//**

The first time Rafael Barba had snarked at him, Sonny knew he was done for. 

However, as the newest member of the squad, and as such still trying to fit his square peg into their round holes, he wasn’t about to fuck it up by openly showing interest in their ADA. 

Sonny had long ago accepted that he was bisexual, even if it did more often than not grate against Catholic upbringing. But he had yet to meet a guy he wanted to spend more than a few weeks with. 

And it seemed that everything Barba did pushed some kind of button in the detective. He was just so smart and so sharp, and so witty that it was hard to not be impressed by him even as he was giving you a dressing down. 

Even the clothes he wore were an open rebuke to anyone who didn’t dare to match up to him. 

And it drew Sonny like catnip, which always surprised him since he never thought himself a masochist. Saying that, given the way that many of his past relationships had ended, maybe he had more tendencies than he had been willing to admit. 

That aside, it became harder and harder for Sonny to ignore his attraction to Barba. 

First had been how helpful he had been in the case with his now brother-in-law Tommy. How he had taken a situation that had been an absolute shitshow, where his witness had flipped out and turned to the defence team, into a win. 

Then there had been the case they did together. For all of Barba’s abrasive insistence that Olivia take him back, he turned out to be a really good teacher. Patient when he needed to be, hard when necessary, spare with praise but genuine when he gave it. 

And Sonny was no fool, he was a detective after all. He was good at picking up twitches and tells, no matter how hard people tried to lie to him. More than once he caught Barba with his guard down for just a microsecond and he was encouraged by what he saw. 

So much so that he had a pretty good feeling that if he asked him out, Barba would actually say yes. 

If he caught him on the right day, in the right mood, in the right weather, in the right caffeinated state. 

Even then the chance of success was slim. 

Sonny would take those odds. 

“Is there something you wanted Carisi?” 

Carisi shook himself out of his thoughts and was surprised to realise that he was already standing in the doorway to Barba’s office. It was his week to run files, and since he was done for the day, he decided to drop them off on his way home. 

He had been so busy planning what to say on the walk over that he had made the whole journey in a distracted state. 

Sonny cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, just these for you,” he said, his Staten Island accent coming out a bit rougher than he intended. Barba took them with a grimace. 

“Wonderful,” he said sarcastically, but clear exhaustion had worn down the bite a little. But even so, he still looked perfectly put together, which made Sonny more than a little envious.

Today Barba’s suit was slimmer cut than usual and pitch black. Barba rarely wore black, previously saying that it made him look more like an undertaker than a lawyer.

But today he had it paired with a dark purple and vivid raspberry striped shirt, matched with a dark lavender paisley tie. It made him look so much younger but no less intimidating. 

“Well, here goes nothing,” Sonny thought. 

“You know, I can help you with those, but I am starving. You maybe wanna go for dinner?” Sonny asked, resisting the urge to fidget in his shoes. 

Immediately the file dropped, and Carisi could see Barba’s eyes fill with uncertainty. But to his credit, Sonny didn’t flinch as he leveled his gaze at the ADA. 

“You mean like, order in?” Barba said evenly, putting his feet up on his desk as was his custom. Carisi shrugged. 

“We can, but I was thinking it would be good for you to get out a bit Barba. See the sun a little,” Carisi said motioning towards the window, although honestly he loved the ADA’s office. The books, the fixtures, the dark wood, it was all so him. 

Rafael shot him a look. 

“Carisi, its past 9, there is no sun out there, and streetlights don’t count,” he said sardonically. Putting his feet down, Barba put his elbows on the desk, his brow furrowed as he considered Carisi there leaning against the doorframe. 

“Is this your odd way of trying to ask me out on a date?”

Carisi made a noise as if Barba’s suggestion was ridiculous. 

“Nah if it was a date, I would ask you properly,” Carisi replied, pushing himself upright so he could walk towards Barba’s desk.

“Like, whether you are free this Friday night, and if you had any plans, if there was anything you wanted to eat, like whether you wanted us to get to know each other better,” Sonny said almost indifferently, but Rafael could hear him take a deep breath.

“Something like that,” Sonny finished in front of Barba’s desk, all the teasing gone from his eyes. 

Suddenly it was so quiet in the room, save for the stray honking of a car outside. 

Barba felt as if he had been put on the back foot. 

“I don’t know if that is a good idea Carisi,” Barba said quietly. “There is so much to consider, so much that would go wrong if it didn’t work out.”

Sonny threw his hands up if to stop the train of Barba’s thoughts. 

“It’s just dinner Barba, you don’t always have to think so far ahead. Don’t already be planning your closing before you even get your opening statement out,” Carisi said, thinking that he could get through to the ADA better if used more familiar jargon. 

It worked… somewhat… if the way Barba rolled his eyes was any indication. 

“It’s just dinner Barba,” Carisi repeated gently, even as his heart beat heavy in his chest. For a minute he could just see Barba weighing the pros and cons in his head, until he finally have a firm nod. 

“Friday then,” Barba replied. “I am going home now anyway, and shouldn’t you be studying for something?” 

Mentally Carisi did a victory jig. It seemed as if the odds were on his side tonight. 

“Sure,” he said with a smile. “What do you want to eat?” 

“Japanese,” Rafael replied without a pause. 

Carisi had to bite back a smirk. Even the lawyer’s choice of cuisine was a challenge, it was as if he knew that the detective would have most likely gone for something more familiar like Italian or American. 

So of course he chose the one thing he thought Carisi was probably not the most comfortable with him. The joke was on him then, as there had been a newly opened izakaya that Sonny had been dying to try. 

Carisi knew at that very moment that dating Barba would mean more tug-of-wars like this, designed to provoke and tease, to make every step a negotiation. 

He couldn’t wait. 

“No probs. Will message you the location later then,” Carisi replied, taking Barba’s suggestion in his stride causing him to glare at the detective. 

“Don’t work too late Barba,” Sonny said as he hitched his backpack higher on his shoulder as he turned to leave, with his head held high. 

He was almost out the door too when Rafael’s voice stopped him in his tracks. 

“How long have you been wanting to ask me out Carisi?” Rafael asked bemusedly as he spun his pen around his fingers. 

Carisi rolled his eyes, of course Barba had to be a dick and not give him a chance to do a cool exit. 

“Will tell you over dinner,” Sonny said coolly, over his shoulder with a wave before firmly closing the door to Barba’s office. 

Looking back at that moment many years later, Sonny wondered if he would have been as happy knowing what was in store for them.

How it would all end. 

But in that instant, all Sonny felt was the anticipation of going out on a date with a really great guy.


	2. ~Chapter II~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly thanks to all of those who read and left kudos and comments. You guys are so much love <3 Thankfully as work is quieter now, I can get the chapters done more promptly. Wish me luck. 
> 
> Thank you again and comments/kudos are much appreciated.

***

 _I’m thinking of you so much_  
_That I forget even the painful things_  
_Each time I count the nights of our separation,_  
_My heart yearns for you._

***

“I must apologise in advance for my partner.” 

Sonny’s head snapped up, almost startled out of his chair when the person next to him decided to speak, in a clear English accent that had a very marked inflection he could not place. 

His eyes widened when he realised that it was the younger of the two men who had walked in with Rafael. 

Up close, Sonny could see that he was good looking, but in a very English fashion, emphasised by his midnight blue sweater in a traditional cable knit pattern, which might have looked out of date if not for his more modern features. 

And unlike his lover, the younger man’s blue-grey eyes held no sparkle, but instead had a lot of soul to them. 

As if to apologise for surprising him, the man threw his hands up. 

“Sorry, I know that New Yorkers are extremely territorial over their personal space, but by the way you were staring at us, I take it you know Rafael,” he said, before extending his hand towards Sonny. 

“Nice to meet you, I am Ianto.” 

Sonny eyed the hand that was proffered to him a touch warily, but his instincts told him the guy was being genuine. 

“Dominick Carisi Jr., but call me Sonny,” he replied, shaking Ianto’s hand firmly. “And sorry for staring… it’s just that this is the first time I’ve seen Rafael in a couple of years.” 

Ianto nodded. 

“I figured it was something like that, but no worries, I am just here to order drinks, if I can get the bartender’s attention,” Ianto said ruefully, leaning over the counter. 

“Let me do that, hey Charlie,” Sonny called the bartender over with a practised wave. Ianto shot him a grateful look. 

“Three Macallan’s please, one on the rocks, one with soda and neat,” Ianto said. 

Sonny didn’t have to guess who it was that ordered neat. The detective looked over, just in time to see the handsome man make Rafael laugh. The lawyer had an expression on his face that Sonny had never seen before. 

It looked close to adoration. 

In all the time that they had been going out, Sonny swore that he had never once seen Rafael look at him like that. 

He could not quite stop the spike of jealousy below his skin. 

“No offense Ianto, but your boyfriend, does he flirt with anything?” Sonny said, unconcerned that he might have been coming off as rude. 

Thankfully, Ianto threw him a grin that couldn’t quite disguise the snark. 

“With a pulse, but with Captain Jack Harkness, it’s almost like a reflex,” Ianto said drily, but he didn’t sound angry which confused Sonny no end. 

“And you are okay with that?” Sonny said in disbelief. 

Ianto shrugged. 

“We’ve been through so much and been together long enough for me to see it for what it is,” Ianto replied simply, and Sonny could see that he wasn’t fronting, which confused him even more. 

“But…” 

Sonny cocked his head to the side questioningly. 

“A part of me never ceases to be amazed though. I sometimes wonder… how must it be that handsome. To just be born so gorgeous that you’ve never known any different,” Ianto mused, throwing a glance over his shoulder. 

Sonny looked at the other man in a new light. Although Ianto’s words were steady, there was the briefest slips in between that made the detective think otherwise. 

It seemed that even despite being in love, men could not help but be competitive with each other. 

Sonny could understand that, in fact he could understand it all too well. 

“You are handsome too,” Sonny said with a tilt of his pint glass, his voice matter of fact without a trace of pity, which Ianto appreciated. 

“Not like him. But thank you. Maybe it’s his pheromones or something,” Ianto said, only half jokingly. 

Sonny couldn’t help but laugh, and was about to answer when an all too familiar voice froze the words in his throat. 

“Detective Carisi.” 

That voice, it echoed through him, and Sonny had to count from ten to stop himself from turning around too fast. But when he did, a part of him was comforted by the fact that Barba looked just as uncertain as he did. 

“Counselor,” Sonny replied, the old nickname coming out unbidden. His voice was calm but he was unable to stop the minute tremble in his hands. 

“I see you’ve met Ianto, and stopped him from getting our drinks,” Rafael said, the slight jibe coming out almost involuntarily. 

Sonny had to stop himself from cracking a smile. It seemed that some things never really did change. 

“Was just walking over Rafael. It was nice to meet you Sonny,” Ianto flashed the detective a warm smile as he gathered the glasses and headed back to their table. 

For a moment the former lovers and colleagues just stared at each other, neither of them wanting to look away. It wasn’t a stare down though, it was more like they had no idea what to say to each other. 

It was his eyes, Carisi had forgotten how stunning Barba’s eyes were, how the colour easily shifted between green to blue to brown depending on whether he was angry, amused or aroused. 

In fact, Sonny could not stop a memory from spooling in his head of Barba’s eyes turning forest green with want, looking down at him in the dark. 

Sonny felt his neck flush, and he wondered if Barba could see it. 

Eventually though Rafael drew a breath. 

“You look well Carisi,” Rafael said quietly, before turning to leave him. 

Sonny felt bolted to his chair as he watched him walk away, and he couldn’t help but feel that he had missed his chance. 

But at what? 

“Is that him Rafael?” 

The lawyer looked up when he got back to the table and met Jack’s questioning blue gaze, and felt something settle in the pit of his stomach. 

“Yeah,” he said, his tone neutral. 

“Cute,” Jack shrugged. “But not as cute as you of course darling,” Jack added quickly, rubbing Ianto’s arm in a way that was trying to be reassuring, but it just made his lover roll his eyes. 

“Thanks, I think. Rafael…” 

Barba turned to Ianto questioningly. 

“Do you want to leave? I know we were the ones who suggested the drink, but we don’t have to stay,” Ianto said. 

Ianto’s concern made Rafael smile. Although he had only known him for a few days, it was easy to see why Jack loved him, why he never stopped loving him. 

Why, despite having been in a relationship with Jack when they had both been in Dubai, Rafael had never stood a chance.

Ianto was a counterbalance to his boyfriend’s hurricane-like personality, which blew past everything and everyone. 

But before Rafael could tell Ianto that it was okay, Jack gave a snort. 

“Why should we leave?” Jack said, clearly affronted. “In fact…” 

Before Rafeal could realise what he was doing, Jack pulled him closer so he could brush his lips against the shell of his ear, inadvertently triggering a ripple of pleasure through him. 

“Jack! Ianto is…” 

“Don’t let him forget how sexy you are, how absolutely gorgeous you are Rafael Barba. I know what’s beneath all those suits you wear and it’s amazing,” Jack murmured, tender with their previous intimacy. 

Jack’s eyes flicked up towards the bar and pointedly met Sonny’s stare. He inwardly grinned when he saw the other man’s jaw visibly clench. 

But he didn’t stop the full blown smile that spread across his lips when the detective practically yanked his coat off the barstool and all but stormed out the door. 

Jack straightened his shoulders in self-satisfaction at the reaction he got. 

Only to have that feeling vanish the minute he saw the look on Ianto’s face.

Jack flinched. 

Ianto shook his head. He wasn’t angry really but he was clearly exasperated having gone through this too many times before. 

It was just typical Jack, do first, ask for forgiveness later.

Rafael quickly turned to Ianto, clearly full of remorse and apologies on the tip of his tongue. 

“I am so sorry Ianto, I didn’t know he was going to do that…” 

Ianto stopped Rafael with a gesture. 

“Not your fault Rafael,” Ianto replied, touching him on the shoulder to reassure him that he wasn’t mad or jealous, his blue eyes clear of judgement. 

“Jack has always been crap at respecting personal space.”

“Hey!” Jack interjected. 

“Jack, seriously, what were you trying to achieve?!” Ianto chastised him with a glare. 

“I wanted us to have a nice evening together. Without Mr Blue-eyed cop making Rafael here uncomfortable,” Jack defended himself.

Although he was still feeling conflicted, Rafael could not help but chuckle at Jack’s absurd reasoning. Or the way he was trying to not sulk like a petulant child as Ianto looked one step away from cuffing him on the ear. 

“Thanks...I think, for the thought,” Rafael took a sip of his whisky as he changed the subject. “So, what are the two of you planning to do in New York?” 

The lawyer leaned back in his seat as both men excitedly outlined their itinerary. Even as he nodded, listened and drank, he didn’t realise that ever so often, his eyes would dart to the door, as if expecting Sonny to walk right back in. 

***

“Asshole,” Sonny seethed as he threw his coat on his dining room table, followed by the harsh clatter of his keys. 

Running his hand through grey brown hair, the detective took several deep breaths as he paced the length of his small living room. Flopping down on his favourite lounger, Sonny ran through a mental exercise he used often in order to bring his emotions in check. 

He ran his gaze over the familiar shapes of his furniture, his dark bookshelf full of law books arranged neatly in a row like soldiers, the black screen of his TV and his unfolded pile of laundry on the couch, until he felt his heart slow down. 

Sonny exhaled slowly. 

Even though he was less agitated, his annoyance level hadn’t gone down much. 

“He knew what he was doing that smarmy letch,” Sonny muttered to himself as he absently turned his phone over and over in his hand. He could still see it, those aggressively confident blue eyes challenging Sonny. 

Yet, even more than the open display of possessiveness, which by the way Sonny knew was uncalled for given that his boyfriend was sitting _right there_ , it was the way that Barba allowed himself to be pulled close that pissed him right off. 

Barba, whose heart was a lockbox of secrets, whose emotions were edged in silver. 

However, Sonny also knew that he was actually more angry at himself in a way. 

He knew that Barba coming back would have some kind of effect on him, and yet he had gone running to find him anyway. But then, he always did have a masochistic streak when it came to his former lover, Sonny thought to himself, without an inch of humour. 

Their relationship had always been complex, even before they had started dating, and even more so after. 

Even when Barba had left. 

Without a glance back over his shoulder, without seemingly a care for what was left behind. 

“That’s not fair,” Sonny berated himself immediately. No, he knew first hand it hadn't been easy for Rafael to leave. 

He closed his eyes as glimmers of memories came back to him, snippets of a conversation, tracing the grain of Barba’s desk, of hurt and things left unspoken. 

Shaking his head, Sonny stared at the ceiling as he tried to unfurl his jumbled thoughts. 

To be fair what was he expecting to happen? Sonny himself could never quite put into words what it was he actually felt for the older man, shapeless as it was and muddled at times by his own uncertainty. 

But sitting there in the semi-darkness of his living room, inhaling the scent of fabric softener and sawdust, Sonny could finally be honest with himself.

The cold hard truth was that a part of Sonny would always have feelings for Barba. Sometimes that thread would be thin to the point of snapping, other times it would be as thick as cable, but it would always be there. 

But, Sonny rationalised pressing the heel of his hands into his eyes, wasn’t that normal with lovers? You couldn’t share so much of yourself and not have some of it linger. 

However, that didn’t stop the pinprick of guilt he felt at slagging off Barba in his head. He didn’t deserve that. 

So, Sonny did what he always did when he felt angry with Barba.

He remembered the good times. How, after that first date, things had fallen into place so easily. How despite all his reservations, Rafael had given as much in their relationship as Sonny had. 

He sank into his chair as he recalled blue summer days, the first time they had sex, and the many times after that, lunches and dinners where their only anchor was each other. 

Sonny remembered it all. 

So what was he going to do now? 

***

“Hey, you are going to freeze out here.” 

Rafael felt a heavy blanket being thrown over his shoulders, followed by Jack wrapping his arms around him. 

He murmured his thanks as he felt the warmth from the other man seep through the wool, taking away the chill in his skin, accompanied by the familiar warm, woodsy smell of myrrh. 

The blanket was Rafael’s, a garish tartan affair that was now faded in spots after years of use. But the scent was undoubtedly from Jack, it had been an almost constant perfume in his house. 

Rafael knew that it was too cold to be standing on his balcony in just his sweater and scarf, but he felt like he needed some fresh air. Plus, both Jack and Ianto were busy taking turns using his shower and settling in, so he didn’t want to disturb. 

Taking a deep breath, Barba relaxed and leaned back. Yes, those arms did not belong to him anymore, but he hoped that he would be forgiven for taking some comfort in his friend’s solid presence. 

“Wow these lights look a lot like Dubai,” Jack commented, looking up at the still lit office block that was in front of Rafael’s apartment. 

“You can’t see the stars though.” 

“No you can’t, I was just mentioning to Olivia that day something along those lines,” Rafael said, before turning around with a smirk. 

“She messaged me after we left. She understands now why I wanted her to meet you.”

Liv, by nature, was a hard person to impress anyway. Decades in sex crimes did tend to do that to you. But even she wavered slightly in the burning glare of Jack’s charm offensive. 

“Of course,” Jack preened. “But seriously though, what an amazing woman, and gorgeous to boot. You sure you didn’t have anything with her?” 

Rafael gave the taller man a look. 

“She is one of my best friends, so no I didn’t have anything with her _Jack_ ,” Rafael stressed the pronunciation of his name as an admonition. 

“Right,” Jack responded with a grin, which faded a little in worry as he looked down at his friend. Just like in the bar, he pulled the lawyer closer so he could say something in his ear. 

“So what is this hold then that he has over you Rafael?” Jack asked. 

Rafael jerked as if he had sat on a live wire. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Rafael said stiffly, pulling away slightly. Jack’s eyes narrowed. 

“Cut the bullshit Rafael. You told me a lot about this boy with the blue eyes that you said always reminded you of the Pacific and an absolutely atrocious accent. And the fact that he made you miserable…” 

“That is not what I said Jack,” Rafael snapped, pulling away fully. Jack gave him a look that was pure frustration. 

“Fine, but he didn’t stick around did he? I know his kind Rafael, he is the happy-go-lucky kind with a preconceived notion as to how his life should go and is just _bad_ at deviating from that. You deserve so much better,” Jack said with his arms crossed. 

“You don’t know him,” Rafael fired back, ready as always to argue. He hated sometimes how strongly Jack held onto his own point of view that he refused to be swayed by anyone else. 

Yes, it was a bit pot calling kettle, but at least Rafael could be reasoned with. 

“You have to understand something about Sonny. He seems happy-go-lucky now, but he wasn’t always that way. He was bullied as a kid, he is always finding it hard to fit in. And God knows, I didn’t make it easy for him,” Rafael finished. 

Jack saw the anger flash in those green eyes, but just felt a pang of sympathy for his friend as he immediately knew the implicit incident behind those words. 

Moving closer, he gathered the ends of the blanket surrounding Rafael and pulled it closer, while fighting the urge to brush back his hair. 

“Rafael, you can never force anybody to do anything. Burdens are meant to be shared, that is why looking for someone who can do that… matters,” Jack said softly, followed by a glance over his shoulder. 

Rafael looked past Jack into his living room where Ianto was sitting, his very presence calming and felt any tension he had previously held leave his body. 

“Why don’t you go in first? I will be there in a minute,” Rafael said, in a tone that told the other man that the matter was closed. Jack paused as if to say something, before nodding in agreement. 

But before he could close the balcony door, Jack heard the other man speak. 

“It wasn’t all bad you know,” Rafael said softly. 

Jack turned and smiled, but it did not reach his eyes. 

“No, it never is,” he said simply, before shutting the door behind him, leaving Rafael staring at the night sky. 

***

**//Three and a half years previously//**

“Jesus Rafi, why are you out here on the balcony? It’s fucking cold enough to make your balls drop off.” 

Rafael glared at his boyfriend’s uncouth turn of phrase, made doubly worse by the fact that they were being said at a volume that was too loud for two in the morning. 

Even the night New York traffic, which was mostly made up of blaring sirens, wasn’t as grating. 

While he was at it, Rafael even found the word ‘boyfriend’ more than a little off putting, it made him sound as if they should be in high school going steady. 

“Sonny will you keep it down, my neighbours…” Rafael was cut off as Sonny practically threw a thick wool blanket at him, which he caught with a soft ‘oof’.

“Honestly, I think your neighbours already think we are a bit loud,” Sonny said slyly with a cheesy wink, sticking his hands in his pockets as he tried to keep warm. 

Aside from rolling his eyes, Rafael ignored his lover’s blatantly sexual reference. Instead he busied himself unrolling the throw that Sonny had thrown at him and instantly felt a twitch in his jaw. 

“This isn’t mine.” Christ of course it wasn’t, it was _hideous_. Anything in tartan was already a minefield if not done properly, and this was some lurid purple and swamp green with interwoven lines the colour of cherry cough syrup and mustard. 

It even had tassels, Rafael fucking _hated_ tassels. 

When he lowered it to say as much, he stopped when he came face to face with Sonny’s sheepish expression. 

“Yeah, I noticed that you didn’t have a blanket or throw in your living room. And since you fall asleep on your couch more often than you should...,” Sonny said, his disapproval explicit, which Rafael responded with a look. 

“I figured that you needed something. And this was the biggest one I could find, so you can properly wrap it around yourself,” Sonny added. 

Taking it from Barba’s hands, Sonny shook it out before throwing it around the ADA’s shoulders like a cape. True enough, it covered almost all of him and Rafael could feel that wool it was made of was at least high-grade, not scratchy and close to the silkiness of cashmere. 

Pulling it tight around him, Sonny stepped closer so that he could press a kiss to Rafael’s mouth, his lips cold and dry. 

“I mean, nothing's worse than a too short blanket that covers nothing, right Rafi?” Sonny stood back to admire his handiwork. 

Rafael opened his mouth to deliver a smart remark, but when he saw the earnest expression on Sonny’s face, he felt the urge to tease bleed out of him. This kind of situation had been happening more and more often in the three months they had been going out, and he still didn’t know what to make of it. 

“Thank you,” Rafael muttered softly. This time it was his turn to pull Sonny closer so he could give him a kiss, but his was deeper, his tongue swiping at the detective’s bottom lip, filling his mouth with the lingering taste of gin.

As Sonny kissed him back enthusiastically, the ADA wondered if he would ever get used to this part of the detective, the softness and sweetness that he probably brought out only for his lovers. 

For someone like Rafael, he certainly didn’t change, be it for a lover, colleague or friend. He was always unabashedly him. 

But it was just too easy to fall for someone like Sonny, being considerate was simply part of his DNA. Even if being a cop meant that sometimes he had to tone it down in order to protect himself. 

It was why he was so giving with Amanda, how he went over often to cook, look after her kids or simply keep her company when watching trashy TV. 

Something that Rafael would never admit he was mildly resentful of, because that meant he would also have to admit that he was being possessive. 

And he simply wasn’t the possessive sort. 

Breaking apart, Rafael felt satisfied at flush that coloured the high point of Sonny’s cheeks. But he flinched when he felt Sonny’s cold hands creep beneath the blanket so that he could warm them on the small of his back. 

“We better go inside before we catch pneumonia. Otherwise, everyone will wonder why we both fell sick at the same time,” Sonny said, trying to make light of it, but the words came out too quiet. 

Oh yeah, they hadn’t told anybody yet about them. Which Rafael was also fine with for now, given the newness of it all. 

“Sure,” he said, following Sonny back into his living room, breathing a little easier as the warm air thawed his lungs. 

But he shot Sonny a look of surprise when the younger man pulled him down so that he was lying on top of him, tugging at the blanket so that it covered the both of them. 

In this position, his weight felt solid against Carisi’s more lanky frame, close enough so he could feel the thrum of his heart. 

“I thought you wanted me to help you with some case homework. Wasn’t that why we had supper, so I could go over the notes with you,” Barba said accusingly, locking his elbows so as to put some distance between them. 

Sonny had the grace to look a little embarrassed. 

“I did Rafi! Honest! But you just looked so cold, I thought you might want some warming up first,” Sonny said sincerely. However, that was ruined by the hardening ridge of his cock that Rafael could feel pressing against his thigh. 

“Warming up huh?” Rafael said with a raised eyebrow. But that didn’t stop him from purposefully grinding their hips together so he could feel Sonny’s dick jump from the friction. 

Sonny hissed between his teeth. But he shot the ADA a disapproving look, which for some reason aroused him even more. 

“Well, we can do _that_ after we go over the notes if you want,” Sonny said evenly. 

A clear challenge if there ever was one. Bastard. 

Rafael’s eyes darkened. 

“Warm me up first Sonny,” he breathed, while undoing the knot of Carisi’s gunmetal blue striped tie, before tossing it to one side. 

He felt, rather than saw Sonny’s smile against his throat as the younger man pushed at his shoulders so that they were both back to sitting up right, making the task of undressing him easier. 

First went the dark green suspenders, followed by the burgundy tie that he had already loosened but neglected to take off. 

“God you always smell amazing,” Sonny said as he nuzzled Rafael’s neck, down the slope and into that sensitive dip of his shoulders, even as his hands busied himself undoing all the buttons on the ADA’s Oxford blue shirt. 

And Rafael did, a heady mix of patchouli and black pepper, with just a trace of starch from his poplin shirts that made Sonny’s head spin. 

In response, Rafael planted a row of soft kisses at Sonny’s temple, where the brown hair was melding into gray, which just made him even more attractive in his opinion. 

“Still cold Sonny,” Rafael said, which was his own way of urging the detective to pick up the pace a little. He could already feel his cock start to fill out and press against his briefs. 

“Okay, sure. Lean back,” Sonny said, tossing the blanket aside so that he could fully see what he was doing. He wasted no time parting Rafael’s shirt so he could run his hand through wire silk hair, his thumbs brushing over his dark nipples. 

Licking his lips, he leaned forward to gently catch one in his mouth so he could run his tongue over the hardened peak. Rafael gripped the back of Sonny’s head as he felt the younger man’s hand travel south, over belly and gabardine to finally rest at his groin. 

Rafael groaned as he felt Sonny grip him through his trousers, the feeling intensifying as his lover massaged him through the fabric, making his cock tent out even more. 

“Fuck!” 

“Still cold?” Sonny asked teasingly as he unzipped Barba’s trousers and pulled them all the way down to reveal the heavy curve of his erection. Rafael glared at him, even as desire lit every nerve when Sonny started to lick up and down the length. 

Sonny got the hint as he took the tip in between his lips, and gave it a soft suck, enjoying it when he saw the jump in Rafael’s stomach. 

He loved giving head, and Barba’s cock was gorgeous, hard and thick, the skin dusky against the roof of his mouth, his pre-cum bitter on the palate. 

And when he started to bob his head up and down, Rafael couldn’t stop a long, low groan at the feel of his lips against the length, and the quicksilver flicks of tongue digging into the slit at the top. 

“That’s it Sonny. Fuck, you are good at this,” Rafael said in encouragement, his hips involuntarily bucking when Sonny stroked two fingers at the sensitive spot behind his balls. 

Sonny kept sucking as he ran his thumb over the root of Rafael’s prick, wetting it, as he gave the shaft a quick twist. 

Rafael arched his back when he felt that thumb move lower to trace a circle around his back entrance, his asshole twitching as Sonny kept tracing tighter circles until he could slip it inside. 

The feel of Sonny’s mouth on him coupled with the sensation of being stretched was pushing him to the edge faster than he would have liked. He gave Sonny’s earlobe a light pinch so that he knew to pull back, which he did with a rather lewd ‘pop’, causing Rafael’s cock to slap against his thigh. 

Rafael pulled his lover up so that they were eye-to-eye, in an effort to gain back control. But the truth was that he just wanted to kiss him, passionate and deep, digging his teeth into Sonny’s bottom lip just a little too hard. 

Sonny jerked back from the pain, but if anything he looked even more turned on by the slight show of aggression. 

“Is that all from me?” Rafael said, noticing the glistening slickness of Sonny’s mouth. But for once Sonny didn’t answer, desire deepening the blue of his eyes as he just looked at Rafael.

Goosebumps prickled Barba’s skin. This intense side of Sonny was one that was also unfamiliar to him as well. 

He would be lying if he didn’t say that it somewhat unsettled him, to see Sonny, bright, cheerful Sonny, clearly feel something that was lodged so deeply inside him. A part of Barba wanted to be pulled down with him, but the other part knew that it was simply not in his nature to give up that level of control. 

Rafael ran his hands down Sonny’s sensitive flanks, dragging his blunt nails over the skin and widening his legs so that they were even closer, allowing their cocks to brush against each other. 

That broke the spell as Sonny gasped into his mouth. 

“Rafi…” Sonny huffed, his voice raspy and reprimanding. “That’s playing dirty…” 

But then he smiled at the lawyer, and Rafael breathed easier. The Sonny he knew, _his_ Sonny was back. 

The ADA move his hands lower so he could grab his lover’s ass so that he could give it a firm squeeze, his fingers running along the furrow, triggering the smallest of moans. 

“The condoms and lube are where you left them last time Sonny,” Rafael said softly. “Don’t make me wait,” he added, his voice harder, unable to stand the slow burn much longer. 

Sonny nodded and disappeared into Barba’s bedroom, losing his shirt along the way and undoing the waistband of his trousers. When he came back out, Rafael was completely naked and had draped the blanket over the length of the couch to protect it. 

The detective frowned at his gift being used this way, only to have that thought vanish when Rafael grabbed him by his belt loops so that he was eye-level with his dick. 

Parting his fly, Rafael ran his tongue over the visible wet spot on Sonny’s boxer-briefs, letting the musk suffuse his taste buds. Pulling down the elastic, Rafael nuzzled Sonny’s light patch of pubic hair as he mouth the root of his impressive prick. 

As much as Sonny loved his dick, Rafael always thought he was the one who should be on his knees more, as he weighed the heft of his lover’s cock on his palm, the skin humming under his ministrations.

Now it was Sonny’s turns to throw his head back and grab handfuls of Rafael’s hair as the ADA went down on him. He resisted the urge to fuck his lover’s mouth as Barba took him as far in as he could, groaning when he felt the twitch of his throat. 

When he was sure Sonny was fully hard, leaking and practically dripping pre-ejaculate, Barba ripped a condom packet open with his teeth before rolling the rubber down his length. 

He then sat back, looking up at the younger man in anticipation as he spread his legs as wide as he could, with one hand firmly on his cock. 

Sonny licked his lips as his throat went dry. 

“Getting cold again Sonny,” Rafael said, only this time it was closer to an order than a taunt. 

Something hot flared up inside Carisi at being told what to do. 

Squeezing a sizeable amount of lube on his hand, he didn’t hesitate before pushing two fingers inside Rafael and curving them. He smiled darkly at the ease at which they slid in, unsurprising given that they had fucked that morning. 

Rafael hissed a little in pain at the sudden intrusion, which caused Sonny to falter. 

He was about to pull back, only to be reassured when he felt the ADA move, so that he was almost fucking himself on Carisi’s hand. 

“Come on Sonny, come on,” Rafael urged in short breaths, as he jerked himself off. 

“Okay, okay, you need to move up,” Sonny said, his patience similarly wearing thin. 

Barba shifted so that he was lying half-supine against the arm of the sofa, allowing Sonny to guide his legs up on his shoulders, opening him up, opening him wide. 

Cock in hand, Sonny pressed forward so that he could push the tip in, helped by more slick.

Rafael closed his eyes. 

He loved this part, that initial stretch, that smallest bite of pain, followed by the feeling of being full, the hard throb of a cock inside you. 

“Fuck, you always feel so good baby,” Sonny breathed as he moved his hips back an inch, only to push back in further so that Rafael could take more of his cock. 

“So wet, so deep…” 

Rafael dug his nails into Sonny’s shoulders to give him purchase as his lover picked up the pace, his thrusts steady at first but increasing until Sonny was flat out fucking him as hard as he could against the side of the armrest. 

“Fuck you are so hung,” Rafael hissed, clenching around the hard length, causing Sonny to moan and his hips to stutter. “Your cock feels huge when you fuck me like this.” 

“Are you gonna come Rafi? Blow your load so hard you almost pass out?” Sonny said as he grabbed the back of the sofa, planting one foot firm on the floor to increase the power of his thrusts. 

Close he, he was so close, Rafael thought, the words running riot in his head. His orgasm was right _there_ , he just needed a little more. 

A little more stimulation, a little more pleasure, it was a craving he needed to fill.

A sudden noise broke through his haze of lust, giving him a moment of clarity as he watched the bottle of lube fall to the floor as Sonny continued fucking his brains out. 

It gave Rafael an idea that he held on to, despite being so close to the edge. 

“Sonny, Sonny wait,” Rafael pushed at Sonny’s shoulders to slow him down. When he didn’t, he gave him a hard tug on his ear, causing him to yelp and slow down. 

“What?! Rafael I’m dying here,” Sonny almost snapped, his voice thin and reedy from the strain of holding back, unable to stop the involuntary twitch of his hips. 

It was almost enough to make him want to tell Sonny not to stop. But Rafael was anything if not stubborn, and he knew that it would bring his pleasure to another level. 

Rafael quickly sucked on two of his fingers, wetting them the best he could. He propped himself up on his elbows so that he could have more reach, so that from this position he could reach Sonny’s hole and bury his fingers knuckle deep. 

Sonny’s body writhed and jerked like a live current had passed through him. 

“Fuck!” 

“Harder Sonny, I need it a little harder,” Rafael growled at the back of his throat, which dissolved into a moan as Sonny started pounding into him, slamming his hips flush against his ass. 

Sonny felt sweat trickle down his back, so close to orgasm that he couldn’t stop talking, his mouth moving of its own volition, murmuring endearments, murmuring filth. 

Telling Rafael between open mouth pants how good of a lay he was. 

That was all it took trigger Rafeal’s climax, his fingers slipping out of Sonny as his cum came out thick and hot, striping his belly, his back arching as his world swam out of focus. 

In his daze, he gathered some of his cum on his fingers and smeared it over Sonny’s mouth, before pulling him down for a hungry kiss. 

That taste, it was all the kick Sonny needed, as he came with a low growl, burying himself as deep as he would go inside Rafael, his spunk filling the condom. 

For a few minutes, they simply stayed like that, the sound of their collective ragged breathing gradually tapering and melting into the night air. 

Rafael inhaled deeply as he tried to get his heart rate to slow down, only to have it skip a beat when Sonny tenderly kissed him on the apple of his cheek, allowing him to feel the slight tackiness in his lips. 

“Sorry,” Rafael whispered as he wiped as much of his cum as he could off Sonny’s face. The detective shook his head as if to tell him it didn’t bother him, before slowly pulling out, leaving Rafael feeling empty and sore. 

It felt fucking great. 

Rafael was about to tell him as much when he heard Sonny sigh. 

“You know Rafi, I don’t know if I should be pissed at you for ruining my gift,” Sonny said almost mournfully. 

Rafael blinked in confusion, until he registered the slightly scratchy feeling against his back. 

Oh right, the ugly tartan blanket. 

That was now sticky and stained in places from lube and spunk. 

“Don’t be overdramatic Sonny,” Rafael huffed. “I will simply bring it to the dry cleaners tomorrow, I need to send my suit anyway since you ruined my pants as well.” 

Sonny was about to argue back when he saw the crumpled heap of the ADA’s clothes on the carpet. Raising his eyes to meet Rafael’s gaze, he conceded the point with a bow of his head. 

But when Carisi looked back up, Rafael was taken aback by the sudden flash of insecurity clouding his blue irises. 

After a beat, Rafael realised what it was that Sonny was hesitant to ask. 

Maybe on another night, the idea might have bristled for Rafael. But now he just felt too warm, too fucked out to entertain his idiosyncrasies about boundaries and putting labels on things. 

“It’s late. Why don’t you take a shower, and we will get a couple hours of sleep. In the morning, I will go over the notes with you before your class. It’s in the afternoon right?” Rafael said decisively, making it seem as if the entire thing was his idea. 

He felt a warmth spread across the length of his chest as Sonny grinned in response. 

“Sure,” Sonny said getting to his feet. “I won’t take too long kay?” 

Rafael nodded as he watched Sonny plod to the bathroom, gathering his clothes along the way. 

As he heard his shower run, Rafael stretched out and sank into the soft sound as he tried his hardest to keep awake, not even realising that he was absently running a hand over the throw, letting it prick his palms. 

Yes, Sonny made it really easy to fall for him. 

And Rafael finally admitted to himself that he was more than half-way there, that he could actually picture a proper relationship with Sonny. 

The admission was almost enough to silence the niggle of doubt he had about the two of them, of how the both of them would work. 

Almost.


	3. ~Chapter III~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! You all are really awesome and I am glad you are enjoying how it is going so far. This chapter is one that I really enjoyed writing, even though parts of it are very bittersweet. Almost half way there now, so things will get complicated. Also if anyone is curious, the parts of the beginning are all song lyrics (some more obvious than others). I will be giving links to the songs once the story is done, but do drop a comment if you want to know where they come from. 
> 
> Enjoy, and as always, comments and kudos are so much love.

***

_We sought a reason to keep believing in tomorrow_  
_And broke somewhere along the way_  
_Just about everything looked distorted_  
_Hey, are we still able to laugh?_

***

“What crawled up your ass and died?” 

Seven-thirty am, Carisi decided in that instant. Seven-thirty am was simply too early to deal with sarcastic comments from your partner. Especially after a long night of tossing and turning where you kept frequently waking up from lucid dreams, assaulting you like glaring headlights on a rainy day. 

“Nothing,” Carisi snapped, wondering if he could mainline coffee without ruining his suit. Amanda gave him a reproachful look, telling him to not take his lack of sleep out on her. 

“Nothing, really Amanda. I just need to get more sleep,” Carisi said, more gently this time, pulling a case file closer to him so he could take a better look at it. It was just one of the too many unsolved cold rape cases that SVU had sitting around in the vaults. 

Carisi had taken it upon himself to occasionally go through a case that piqued his interest to see what fresh eyes could help uncover. It was also highly useful whetstone for him to use his legal degree on. 

It was why he had come in early today, only to be given the third degree by his partner. 

“You saw him didn’t you?” Amanda said knowingly, crossing her arms over her chest. Carisi knew that if he wanted this to end, he had to give her something. 

“I went back to our usual bar, and yeah, he was there but he wasn’t alone,” Carisi shrugged, even as he pushed down the unexpected flare of anger. “He was with some friends so I didn’t bother him.” 

“Right,” Rollins drew out the word as she looked intently at her partner. Carisi had always been bad at masking his emotions outside of work, and even then it could be touch-and-go in certain cases. 

Otherwise, everything he was feeling was clearly telegraphed across his face. Ironically, his earnest displays just added to his unconventionally handsome features. 

“Look Carisi, I know it’s never just nothing when it comes to Barba,” Amanda said kindly. “You want to tell me what happened?” 

“Nothing happened okay?” Carisi threw his pen down in frustration. He looked off to the side for a moment, as if to gather his thoughts. 

“And maybe… maybe that’s why I am pissed at myself. I froze Rollins. I mean this is Barba we are talking about, when did I ever have trouble talking to him?” Carisi lamented. 

Rollins flinched. There it was again, that sharp feeling in the depths in her chest she could not identify. 

“Well, you were tongue-tied when you first had a crush on him, which you then tried to hide by blurting as much legalese as you could,” Amanda could not help but tease Sonny. 

It was just too easy to yank his chain, especially when it came to Barba. It had been a while since she could do that. 

If it wasn’t the law banter, it was hard not to notice how Carisi’s wardrobe started to mirror the former ADA, even if his ties were skinnier and his waistcoats less flashy. 

The look he shot her though told Amanda he wasn’t amused.

She sighed. 

“Look, it’s been a while, and Barba isn’t the ‘hey buddy’ type to begin with anyway Carisi. Saying that though...” Amanda trailed off as she tapped her finger on her chin. 

Carisi grew restless as he waited for to continue. He _hated_ it when people trailed off. It was why he was one of the few people in the world who had actually liked and appreciated Barba’s rapid fire way of talking. 

“I mean it shouldn’t be this hard though Carisi. Your break-up was amicable right?” Amanda said decisively, with her hands on her hips. 

Sonny tapped his fingers on his keyboard as he let Amanda’s explanation sink in. 

“How did you know our break-up was okay Rollins?” Sonny finally said quietly. He would be the first to admit that Amanda was one of his best friends, and that he truly loved her in a way that wasn’t easily defined. 

She was also one of the first people he came to for advice on relationship trouble, even though there was a pretty big caveat to that. 

But only he and Rafael really knew what went on during their time together, and it was something Sonny guarded with fierce fervour. 

Amanda threw up her hands in a way that clearly said that Sonny was thick. 

“Because you two were on pretty okay terms up until he left. You both were still able to work together, poke fun at each other even, and stuff got done,” Amanda ticked the reasons off one by one on her fingers. 

“That doesn’t happen if the relationship spectacularly imploded,” she rationalised, tugging on the end of her blonde ponytail. “And by the way, you never really told me why it ended anyway.”

Carisi stiffened. Amanda had been trying for the longest time to find out why they had called it quits and although he understood her curiosity, quite frankly it was none of her damn business. 

“Fine, fine I will give you that,” Sonny answered instead, letting his momentary spike of anger go. Amanda’s pursed her lips when she realised that Carisi was pointedly ignoring her question. 

“So back to the original question, why is it so hard to just talk to him?” Rollins finished softly, even though inside she was anything but calm. Carisi was always like this when it came to the older lawyer. 

Looking down at his desk, Carisi’s eyes turned stormy. 

It was true what she said about them, but there was something she didn’t know. 

About how Carisi had chosen to leave things. 

“Like I said, he looked like he was having a great time with his friends and I really didn’t want to interrupt,” Carisi said, and it was the truth. He was just leaving out the knife-twist in the gut moment that had caused him to do a runner. 

Amanda’s blue eyes narrowed, and was about to prod further when Carisi was saved by the ringing of the phone. 

“You get that, I am going to sort something out for the Lieutenant’s birthday party and I will be back,” Amanda said grabbing her purse, which made Carisi let out a slow breath between his teeth. 

“No prob,” he replied, reaching for the phone. “SVU, Detective Carisi speaking….” 

*** 

Despite not having enough hours in the day, there were a few things that Olivia Benson would always make time for. 

The first was Noah, who she would move heaven and earth for if he ever asked. 

The second was a victim, whether they needed her to rage, to cry, or just to hold their hand. 

And Olivia would always make time for Barba, especially when he sends her a message comprised of “Save me!” and “SOS”. 

“So Lucia is keeping you on your toes then?” Olivia commented, smiling across the table at Rafael, who was trying his best to not tear his hair out. They were having lunch at a small cafe near Lucia Barba’s charter school, and it amused her no end to see the usually unruffable lawyer clearly out of sorts. 

His beard was scruffy, his dark hair tousled and shaven close on the sides, a contrast to his immaculately kept leather jacket and blue collared wool shirt. 

“I love my mother Liv, but Jesus she drives me nuts. She has me looking at these legal documents that are so far out of my area of expertise that it makes me feel like I am back in law school again,” Rafael grimaced, viciously stabbing an olive in his duck salad with a fork. 

“I thought having Jack and Ianto around would be enough of an excuse to keep you busy. I take it she has met them both?” Olivia commented as she sprinkled salt over her egg salad. 

“Yes she has, and was utterly charmed by both,” Rafael said with a genuine smile. That was an understatement, between Jack making her laugh and Ianto offering to clean her house, Lucia had already told them to visit more often. 

“They are in Boston for a week and a bit though, so I am back to having more time on my hands. Not that standing in line to see the Statue of Liberty wasn’t fun,” Rafael said with a slight look of pain. 

Olivia laughed. Only Rafael Barba could make sightseeing sound like a dental extraction. 

“But they are enjoying themselves?” 

“So far, let’s see how they feel after their month-long holiday,” Barba said, as he picked through his warm salad. 

Olivia looked quizzically at her friend as his demeanour suddenly shifted. It was the most minute of changes, but she knew him well enough to know when something was on his mind. 

“I saw Carisi that day you know, before you came to Forlini’s,” Rafael said, a little too detachedly for Olivia’s liking. 

“Oh?” 

“He looks well. More gray now but somehow it suits him,” Rafael said, unable to stop a note of fondness from entering his voice. “Makes him look less of a kid.” 

“He was never a kid to begin with Rafa,” Olivia admonished playfully, but her expression turned serious.

“You know, I never asked about what happened between the both of you Rafa, because it seemed to work, even when it didn’t. But is there something you want to tell me about the two of you now?” 

Rafael twirled the ice cubes in his glass, as he looked away. 

“There is nothing to tell Liv, its ancient history. It was just… nice to see him again, that's all,” Barba replied simply, running a hand through the side of his beard. 

He took a breath as he went back to his lunch, and Olivia felt like banging her head against the table at his stubbornness. But this wasn’t the time or place, she reasoned, to get into this with Barba. 

“You know a sure fire way to get your mum off your back is to go back to work,” Olivia said taking a sip of coffee. “I got a call from Bayard Ellis about you when he heard you were back in town.” 

“Yeah, he called me too,” Rafael answered, and Olivia felt a drop in her stomach when she saw that shift again. 

“Is there something you want to tell me Rafa?” she asked. 

Barba thought about side-stepping again, after all he hadn’t really made up his mind. But after days of reliving memories with Jack about their time abroad, the pull of leaving became even stronger. 

It made him wonder if wanderlust was contagious. 

But whatever it was, Rafael thought to himself as he looked up at his friend who he loved beyond compare, it was time to come clean with Olivia. 

“To be honest Liv, I don’t know if I am going to be staying in New York much longer,” he finally said, and felt an odd feeling settle under his skin. Verbalising his desire to leave, making it solid, made the decision feel even more real, something he couldn’t take back. 

For a few minutes Olivia just stared at him and Rafael couldn’t have felt more like shit in that moment. It was the same look she had given him, so full of sadness and heartbreak, when he had told her that cold morning that he had to move on. 

“Leaving again Rafa? But you just came back,” Olivia started getting riled up, but stopped when Rafael put a hand up. 

“It’s not definite Liv, and this isn’t some goodbye lunch. I’ve just gotten a lot of job offers recently, in places where I could do some real good. New York doesn’t need another lawyer for sure,” Rafael said with a dry laugh. 

“Rafa, you know it’s more than that,” Olivia said softly, putting her hand on his forearm. 

“Look Liv, there is nothing to talk about until I’ve definitely made up my mind. So we can drop it for now,” Rafael said dismissively. 

The urge to bang her head against the table returned again, and Olivia pressed her hands to her temples. 

“Okay sure,” she gave in with a sigh. “But, do you think you can actually leave all this?” She motioned to their surroundings. 

Rafael’s gaze followed the direction of her hands as he stared out of the big plate glass window their table was situated next to. Outside, a light flurry had started to speckle the streets in spots of white, making the ground gleam and the streetlights bounce. 

Behind the glass, the hustle and bustle became a pleasant hum, and if he took a deep enough breath, he could smell the cooking from the kitchen, of mint leaves and rendered beef fat. 

Barba never considered himself sentimental, but in that instant something pinged deep inside him. 

“Like I said, not definite yet. But I will tell you something Liv,” Rafael said, turning his attention back to lieutenant. “Even if I move, no more radio silence. We will talk more often, that I promise,” he finished, and he meant every word. 

And Olivia could see that. 

“Fine Rafa, but of course you are coming to my birthday party right?” Olivia said, looking down at her watch and was surprised to find that they had been there for almost an hour. 

“Sure, but I’ve been meaning to ask, wasn’t your birthday like a month ago?” Rafael said in confusion as he speared a piece of smoked duck. Olivia gave him a look that could only be described as incredulous. 

“How quickly you forget that in SVU, having set plans is as good as having no plans at all,” Olivia said with a smirk. Rafael laughed. 

“My bad, just text me the address and I will be there,” Rafael said, as he resolutely ignored the buzzing in his pocket, but knowing that he couldn’t do that forever. 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

***

“Great party huh?” 

Carisi stepped back as Fin invaded his space, enthusiastically chewing on a mini sausage roll. The sargeant angled his beer glass towards Carisi, which he responded with a clink of his own glass. 

“I didn’t realise that it would be so many people though,” Carisi replied, taking a deep draught of his Hoegaarden as he looked around the restaurant the lieutenant had chosen. 

It was actually a really nice place in the Village, a modern pub that was cozy enough so that no one was stuck being a wallflower, but at the same time not claustrophobic given that it had a second floor balcony with a few tables and chairs outside. 

And the food, modern fusion as it was deemed, was pretty tasty, which Carisi was pleased about, picky as he was about his food.

Fin shot him a smug all-knowing look. 

“Apparently Dodds got involved, felt bad for making her delay it, so he said he would make sure that anyone who wanted to attend, could actually make it,” Fin said.

But Carisi could see that he had lost part of Fin’s attention the minute ME Warner walked past and gave them a wave. 

“I can see that,” Carisi replied, giving Fin a knowing look, which he responded to with an eye-roll. The room was filled with not only Benson’s friends from the job, but close friends who, judging from Liv’s enthusiastic reaction, she hadn’t seen in a while. 

Even Rita Calhoun was there, whose presence Carisi acknowledged with a tip of his imaginary hat, before turning back to Fin, who somehow had acquired more sausage rolls. 

“So the Lieu and Dodds huh? They’ve been getting pretty close,” he said casually, trying not to make it seem as if he was prodding Fin. Despite his famous non-committal attitude, the sergeant was pretty sharp when it came to observing the room. 

“Who knows Carisi, all I know is I wouldn’t mind more shindigs like this,” Fin replied, but the cadence of his words spoke volumes. 

“What are the two of you doing standing here? You should mingle,” Amanda chastised, appearing seemingly as if out of nowhere to tug on the sleeve of his brown plaid shirt. 

Sonny felt himself smiling as he was pulled around the room, saying hi to a few people he knew from other precincts, sharing a drink with a few brother officers. It had been a while since he had enjoyed such a relaxed evening.

But every once in a while, almost subconsciously, Sonny’s eyes would train to the door every time opened, and his breathing would flatten out when it would either be a stranger or an acquaintance. 

“Looking for someone?” Amanda asked lightly, nudging Sonny by the shoulder. 

“Nobody,” he replied, helping himself to another open beer from behind the bar. 

Amanda was about reply something smart when a familiar figure walked through the door, bringing with him a gust of wind that made her shiver. 

“Well, looks like nobody just came in,” Amanda said deliberately, indicating to the door with her beer bottle, where Olivia was welcoming Barba with a warm hug. 

Even though he was never her type, even Rollins had to admit Barba looked good, with his disheveled hair and cheeks that were just barely pink from the bite of the wind over then faux fur collar of his dark wool coat. 

But Sonny never saw any of that, a part of him unwilling to turn around, his pessimistic side telling him, what was the point? It wasn’t as if he could just go up to Barba after what happened at Forlini’s last time. 

“I’m gonna go find Fin, see if he knows where the good stuff is being kept,” Carisi said, pointedly not looking behind him, leaving Amanda with a worried look on her face. 

Given that there were so many people, it was actually easy for Sonny to not spot Barba unencumbered. His presence after being MIA for so many months undoubtedly caused a stir, as old friends and enemies made a beeline for him. 

Saying that, it was impossible for the detective to ignore the lawyer completely. So he kept getting glimpses of Barba in his peripheral vision as he wove in and out of the crowd, a flash of his burgundy sweater, his deep laugh ringing in his ears like a forgotten memory. 

Although he swore he wouldn’t let it bother him, it followed Carisi all evening, like invisible ribbons, unfurling, weaving and disappearing into the noise from the crowd. 

Finally Sonny had enough. 

“Excuse me,” he said apologetically to the crowd of people gathered around him, as it suddenly became stiflingly hot. Detaching himself from the group, he took his beer and made his way upstairs, grabbing his coat and knit hat along the way. 

“Hey, hey Sonny,” Amanda said grabbing the tail of his shirt. “You okay?” she added in clear concern. 

“Yeah Rollins, I’m okay, just need some air,” Carisi replied, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. Actually, more than anything, he just wanted a moment away from the noise to compose himself, to get his thoughts in order. 

And he hazarded a guess that given the recent cold spell, he wouldn’t be disturbed out on the balcony. 

Pulling on his camel coat, Carisi took a deep breath the minute he stepped outside and blew it out in a cloud of white. The cold snapped at his cheeks like a rubber band, but he found the soft burn oddly calming, filling the cracks of his anxiety. 

Leaning against the railing, he had only just gotten his heart to slow down, when a voice from the dark made it practically leap out of his chest. 

“Hiding?” 

Automatically reaching for his empty waistband, Sonny spun around and came face to face with a very familiar pair of hazel green eyes, gleaming in the watery light of the streetlamps.

“Jesus Barba you scared the crap out of me,” Sonny scolded. “You are lucky I didn’t have my gun.” 

“I figured you wouldn’t be carrying, but I didn’t mean to make you jump, sorry,” Barba said, but Carisi could hear a trace of mild amusement mixed in with the contrition. 

Pulling together the ends of his coat together, Barba stood up to walk towards Carisi, picking up his glass that was resting on top of wrought iron table along the way. Before Sonny even realised it, Barba was standing next to him, similarly leaning against the railing. 

And suddenly Carisi didn’t feel the cold as much. 

“Hey,” Barba said quietly, one hand holding his whisky glass, dangling over the side. 

“Hey,” Carisi responded tentatively, his blue eyes clearly apprehensive, which made Barba feel more than a little guilty. 

“Carisi about before…” 

“I am sorry about…” 

Both men spoke at the same time, only to stop short when their conversation overlapped. Carisi finally had to laugh, a real genuine laugh at how absurd they were being, after all they had been through. It was like flipping the valve on a pressure cooker, an unfettered release of tension that had been building up all evening. 

It was warm enough that Barba chuckled right along. Carisi was glad to see that even after the laughter had petered out, the air between them was not as tight as before. 

“Hey Barba,” Carisi started, and stopped, only continuing when the older man indicated with a flick of his wrist to go on. 

“I am sorry I didn’t come up to you that night I saw you at Forlini’s,” Carisi said, hoping that Barba could hear the sincerity in his voice. “I know I behaved incredibly rudely, and my Ma would actually have twisted my ear if she had known, and you gotta believe I really wanted to but…” 

Barba stepped in to cut Carisi off, knowing full well that the detective could just go on and on if not reined in. 

“It’s okay Carisi,” Barba said, nodding his head in understanding. “I know Jack is a lot to take, and he has never been good at keeping his hands to himself.” 

The detective took a swig of his beer to quench his suddenly dry throat. Absently picking at the label he added, “You two dated?”

Barba gave him a look that could only be described as serene. 

“Something like that,” he replied simply, indicating to Carisi that he wasn’t ashamed or hiding what he had previously with Jack. 

In fact, a part of him wanted to explain to Carisi that for all his American brashness, there was a tranquility to being with Jack that helped Rafael feel not so alone, far away as he was from home.

But he didn’t when he saw Carisi’s hands suddenly go still, which was a tell that he was pondering something over. Suddenly, a little of the awkwardness from earlier seeped back in, but Barba was unsure as to how to solve it. 

Luckily Carisi cleared his throat, and looked Barba straight in the eye and said, “I like Ianto though, he seems like a really nice guy.” 

And just like that, the uncomfortable moment dissipated like ice crystals in the sun, and Barba breathed easier. 

“Yeah, he is, definitely more suited to Jack than I was,” Barba replied. “I was nothing more than a placeholder really.” 

“I don’t believe that,” Carisi interjected without thinking. “Rafael Barba will never be just a placeholder for anyone,” he added emphatically, meaning every word. 

Rafael gave a small laugh, it appeared that time could not quite temper Carisi’s admiration of him, which he always felt was more than a little misplaced. 

“Be that as it may,” Barba said, as he deftly changed the subject. “How have you been Carisi?” 

Sonny shrugged, turning so he was leaning against the railing, offering him a clearer view of the velvet blue sky.

“Pretty much the same, but you…” Carisi turned to Barba, that familiar smile firmly in place. 

“You went and had this big career change. You gotta tell me, what was Dubai like? What kind of work did you do?” Carisi asked, his barely contained enthusiastic curiosity masking the fact that he too was adept at changing the subject. 

Although, to be fair, he was genuinely curious what would make Barba move halfway across the world. 

“It was… interesting. The Emirati businessman I worked for wanted my legal expertise for this NGO he patrons, who helps mistreated immigrants in the Middle East, and there are a lot of them, especially with the World Cup coming up,” Rafael explained. 

Carisi couldn’t help but be impressed, which Barba quickly wanted to quash.

“But before you nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize Carisi, he also gave me a lot of grunt work that I was paid better for,” Barba said in a self-deprecating tone. “Actually it was Jack who suggested I do more of the NGO work, and he was right.” 

That name again, Carisi gripped his bottle tighter. 

“But then I did save his bacon from being thrown into jail for adultery. Some guy, who was in love with him, accused him of sleeping with his wife in order to get back to him,” Barba smirked, as he took a sip of his whisky. 

Carisi shot him look, his mouth slightly agape. 

“You didn’t,” Carisi said, trying and failing to stop a smile from appearing. Barba rolled his eyes, and Carisi threw up his hands apologetically. 

“Okay, okay that aside, what other cases did you handle,” Carisi asked eagerly. It had been a while since he could talk legal shop with anyone. Since there had been anyone he _wanted_ to talk about these matters with. 

After a pause, Barba started talking, his voice coming out soft and dry, about cases he had seen, people he had helped. Occasionally, Carisi would interrupt with an opinion or a question, stretching out their conversation in a familiar pattern as they finished their drinks. 

They had no idea how long they talked for, until Barba felt the cold eat through his gloves and into his fingertips. Carisi also stopped when he realised he couldn’t feel his earlobes. 

“We should get back inside, we are being very antisocial. The Lieu will have my balls for breakfast,” Carisi laughed, rubbing his hands together. Rafael nodded in agreement. 

“But for what it’s worth Counselor.” Rafael looked up questioningly as Carisi moved to clink his bottle against the side of his glass. “Welcome back.” 

“You know it’s bad luck to cheers with empty glasses Carisi,” Barba said, with a slight smile, ignoring the pleasant warmth that suddenly settled in his chest. 

“Then let me get you a refill Barba,” Carisi pushed himself off the railing and made his way to the door. 

As he watched him walk away, Barba was struck by an awareness that unsettled him. Them talking like this, it was an echo from many years ago. 

“Coming?” Carisi asked, holding the door open. 

Rafael shook his head to get rid of the feeling of familiarity. 

“Coming,” he replied, walking back into the light. 

***

**//Two years previously//**

“Celebrating by yourself Counselor?” 

Barba barely glanced up as he felt Carisi take the seat next to him. He wasn’t offended though when the ADA didn’t acknowledge his presence, he knew him well enough that sometimes, even for someone as seasoned as him, needed a moment. 

Instead, he signaled to the bartender to get him a beer and to give the prosecutor a refill of his top-shelf booze. 

“Bad luck to cheers with an empty glass,” Carisi said, nudging his coaster toward the older man. 

It was his useless superstitious nonsense that pulled Barba out of whatever dark corner his mind had been wandering in, making him finally turn towards Carisi. 

“Tough case,” Barba said, back to his usual confident self as he slanted his glass towards Carisi’s with a muted crystal clink. Sonny reciprocated before taking a deep pull of his drink, enjoying the sour rich taste of malt against the roof of his mouth. 

“When are they not?” Carisi replied. “Katy got raped, The Monster has to live with the knowledge that he traumatised someone for life. At least Heather Parcell got what she deserved.” 

“Thanks to you finding her jealousy online,” Barba shifted his shoulders. “Some people really can’t help themselves.”

Carisi didn’t answer or accept Barba’s thanks though, which the older man found a touch disquieting. Usually, Carisi would be beaming from the praise, which Rafael would then have to tamp down with a smart remark. 

Although to be honest, he didn’t do that as much these days. 

“Well, I knew something was off with her state of mind when went down to bring her up. She was just eerily calm you know?” Carisi finally answered, swilling back his beer. 

The perp’s state of mind wasn’t the only thing that was off Barba realised. There was something that Carisi wasn’t telling him about the trip. 

“Did something happen when you went to glorious West Virginia Carisi?” Barba asked, knowing instinctively that he had to tread lightly. 

Carisi’s shoulders tightened up. 

“Nothing,” he said, sounding a lot like a petulant child. 

“Carisi…” 

It was the concern in Barba’s voice that finally got to him. But it wasn’t as if Carisi was really angry about anything, rather he was embarrassed, which Rafael quickly realised was the reason for his reticence. 

“Well,” Carisi started, digging his fingernail under the beer bottle label. “I feel kinda weird talking about this with you somehow.” 

In a flash, Rafael got that whatever it was that was bothering the detective, was a romantic problem. 

Barba gave a short laugh. 

“Carisi, we broke up over a year ago, if that is what is stopping you from asking me. But you are a pain in the ass when you are like this, so I would rather just advise you and get it over with,” Barba said briskly. 

Sonny smiled grimly at Barba’s use of a very specific phrase. 

“You also don’t have to tell me anything, but given how you sought me out means there is nobody else you can talk to about this,” Barba added, and a part of Carisi resented how well he knew him. 

It was the same part of Carisi that really didn’t want to tell him, yelling at him that this was wrong. Flaunting his feelings now, given how they had broken up, seemed downright cruel. But no matter what, Barba was always Barba, whose advice came straight from the hip.

Carisi drew a deep breath before taking the plunge. 

“I kinda… almost… sort of tried to hit on Rollins,” Carisi confessed, not daring to look Barba in the eye. 

“Ah…” 

Encouraged by the sound, Carisi went on, saying, “There was this bar fight, and it felt good you know? To not act like a cop for once. I walked her back to her room, and I told her she was a great partner, and…” 

“She didn’t share your view?” Barba said evenly, the insult easy but with no barb on it. 

“Well, considering she slept with the bartender instead, I guess not,” Carisi replied more than a little bitterly, taking another swig of his drink. 

Barba had to fight back a sigh. He really liked Amanda, he really did, he knew firsthand what had happened to her back in Atlanta, and how strong she must have been to get through it. 

But Jesus, she was also the queen of bad choices, and in a squad as complicated as SVU, that was saying something. 

And he really didn’t like it when it hurt Sonny, who was so open, who offered up naked affection on his bare palms. 

“I don’t get it Barba. Is it because I am not emotionally unstable? Not an authority figure or a one-night stand? Is that why she won’t give me a chance?” Carisi said, only half in jest, trying his hardest to hide his hurt. 

This time Barba did sigh. 

“It’s like I said, sometimes people can’t help themselves. Rollins, she has had it rough, and she has issues that she has yet to fully deal with.” 

Barba put his hand on Carisi’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. 

“It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. But for what it’s worth, I think she really does like you… well, in her own fucked up way,” Barba finished quietly, ignoring a sudden scratch of sorrow beneath his skin. 

“You think so Barba?” Carisi said, turning to his former lover, whose reassurance enveloped him like a blanket. 

“Yeah, I really do.” 

Carisi rubbed the side of his face. 

“I think you are right, you know? I was being really stand-offish with her afterwards and she picked up on it,” Carisi admitted his childishness without a hint of shame, which Barba admired. Only someone who was genuine would openly admit to acting like a dick. 

“She said sometimes, we sleep with people who we love, sometimes with people we don’t know, and sometimes people who are pains in the ass. I don’t know Barba, it sounded a lot like flirting,” Carisi said, his tone much brighter than before. 

Of course it stung. Even for someone who grounded his emotions as strongly Barba did, it was still a jolt to the system. 

“So just be there for her, even if she never comes around, you can make peace with the fact that you just want her to be happy,” Barba said simply, turning his attention back to his drink and knocking all of it back. 

“Another round?” 

“Sure, but it’s on me Counselor. You know, for the cocktail napkin therapy,” Carisi said with a grin. “Plus, you were really great in court today, the way you got Heather to open up to you, to trust you, I will never not be envious.” 

“Thanks,” Barba said, but looked off to the side as he let Carisi’s words run in his head. He did wonder sometimes why he still gave Carisi advice, but he knew the answer even before he had finished the question. 

Because at heart, he cared for Carisi. 

Barba cared for so few things in his life, that when someone did bring out those feelings in him, he would still help them out. 

“Barba.” 

Rafael looked back towards Carisi expectantly. 

“I know I have no right to take up more of your time anymore, but would it be okay, if we still had coffee occasionally,” Carisi said, before quickly adding. “I just want to talk cases with you, none of my professors are really as sharp as you.” 

“Liar,” Barba scoffed, which made Carisi’s smile go lopsided. But it quickly dimmed. 

“It’s not weird is it?” Carisi said quietly. 

It was weird, three months ago Barba would have told Carisi to fuck the right off. And a part of him still wanted to. 

But there was a big reason he was willing to make it work. It had taken a lot on both their parts to get to this stage, where they could sit in the same room and not feel resentful, or a tug of what they once had. 

Because more than the sex and consideration, or maybe as much as the sex and the consideration, he missed Sonny’s company. 

It really was as simple, and as complicated, as that. 

“Not too often Carisi,” Barba answered, putting down a firm boundary. “Let’s see how I feel on that day.” 

“Fair enough,” Carisi said, reaching for the fresh bottle of beer the bartender had put down. 

“Cheers,” he said leaning closer to Barba. 

“Cheers,” Barba answered firmly, accompanying his words with a solid tap of his glass.


	4. ~Chapter IV~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are officially at the halfway mark! Thanks so much to all who are reading so far. This chapter was a challenge to write, but at the same time it was interesting to explore more of their relationship. I am still hoping to actually finish it before the series resumes, but lets see how little sleep I need =_=;; lol. 
> 
> That aside, thank you all for reading and comments/kudos are so encouraging.

***

_I keep doing it over and over, causing nothing but pain_  
_I’m bound to hurt you, since I’m unable to change myself_  
_Why is touching you so painful?_

***

It started with a text. 

And was followed up by an offer of coffee. 

At first Barba wondered who was it that seemed to be propositioning him out of the blue. Only to have the mystery immediately solved when the line that came after was _“This is Carisi here btw, sorry”_. 

And then. 

_“I got your new number from Liv. No worries, I didn’t search you up or anything… nvm that it’s not ethical”_

It was an offer that was as clumsy and gawky as the man who had offered it. Although in his absence, Carisi had managed to gain a modicum of grace that went beyond the superficiality of his better dressing. 

The thing was that, whether he realised it or not, Carisi already possessed a likeable blue-eyed charm. His subsequent years on the squad only managed to knock off his rough corners, which simply made him even more likeable. 

Not that Barba would ever tell him that. 

His first instinct was to say no. Firstly, he was genuinely busy, between his mum and entertaining Jack and Ianto, to actually have any spare time for Carisi. 

The second was that, Barba had no idea _why_ Carisi wanted to spend time with him. It genuinely baffled him how Carisi was acting. 

Because the last time they had spoken before this, the day turned in his walking papers, Carisi had made it clear, - to Barba at least -, that there was nothing left between them. 

However, the night of Liv’s party, it was as if the past couple of years had never happened. The conversation hadn’t stopped the minute they got back inside. In fact, the more they drank, the more the words between them kept flowing.

They weren’t together the entire time, separated as they were occasionally by friends and proper social decorum. But inexplicably they would find themselves drifting back towards each other. It was as if there was a red thread binding them, pulling each man into the other’s orbit in tighter and tighter circles. 

When their gravity did overlap, their discussions sparkled, like it used to, the words and opinions flickering like firework embers. 

To Barba, the whole evening almost felt like false memories, planted as a defense mechanism to dull the pain of what he had done. 

What he had been through. 

Actually, baffled was too gentle a word to describe how he was feeling. Unnerved would be closer to the truth. 

Unnerved, and something else. 

The hum of low grade anger. 

That night, when Barba saw Carisi come out onto the balcony, he thought he knew what he was doing when he had been the first one to speak. He wasn’t dumb, he could see how his presence had tilted Carisi off his axis. 

Of all the things Barba was, he was always fair. So he wanted to make things right, to at least make the evening go smoothly for the both of them. The last thing he expected was to enjoy reconnecting with Carisi as much as he did, to hear that laugh bounce off the walls, to see that smile that used to only be for him. 

The red string he thought he had given so much slack to, suddenly pulled taut. 

So he did, by rights, what he knew now he should have done that night. 

He kept his distance. 

Rafael kept his replies to Carisi curt but apologetic, giving Lucia and his houseguests as his excuse. And for a while it kept Carisi from asking, but only for a couple of days, before the offer would come again. 

Barba had always admired Carisi’s tenacity, a reflection of his own stubborn streak. 

On the other hand, why couldn’t Sonny get the _fucking_ hint. 

“You gonna get that? Your phone has been beeping for a few minutes.” 

Barba shook his head to clear the cobwebs, turning his attention back to Ianto who was squatting in front of his open suitcase. Unsurprisingly, it was perfectly organised, items of clothing meticulously fitted together like a colourful checkerboard so that any wrinkles would be minimal. 

Rafael could fall in love with that alone. 

“It’s nothing, just someone asking me out for coffee,” Rafael said, crossing on leg on top of the other as he leaned against his hand. But Ianto noted the anxious bounce of his foot, and the way he was distractedly tracing his jaw. 

“Oh, the good-looking cop that Jack pissed off?” Ianto said casually, feigning concentration as he tried to fit everything in, even though everything clearly had its own space. 

In a way, he was glad that Jack wasn’t around, banished as he was to get some last minute things. Ianto genuinely hated how Jack packed, his many years as a commercial pilot meant that he favoured practicality over preservation. 

But that aside, it gave him a chance to talk to Rafael. It did not go unnoticed by the both of them how distracted he had been ever since they had come back from Boston. 

And Ianto had a feeling that Carisi was at the heart of it. Jack hadn’t told him the full story about the two of them, but he knew enough to form some educated opinions. 

“Yeah, he wants to meet up, to catch up, he says,” Rafael replied, but with so much reservation in his voice that Ianto knew it would be foolhardy to push further. 

But unlike his boyfriend, Ianto’s concern for Rafael came with no emotional baggage, nothing that could warp and weft his point of view.

“And you’ve said no because?” Ianto asked, brushing his palms against his jeans as he sat back on his haunches so he could face Rafael. 

“Well you guys have been taking up a lot of my time,” Rafael answered without a pause, the deflection so smooth if Ianto hadn’t been waiting for it. Ianto knew something about make sense of tangled feelings, of tight knots and snags that overlapped, that seemed almost impossible to unravel. 

But he knew that the first step was to pull at a loose thread. 

“We won’t be your problem for a while though, thanks to Jack changing our plans and saying what this already obscenely long holiday needed was an additional three weeks in New Orleans,” Ianto said, rolling his eyes, but his voice made it clear he was joking. 

Rafael smiled, but inhaled sharply when Ianto put a hand on his knee. The gesture a little too familiar for someone who he had only known a few weeks, but Ianto had meant for it to catch him off guard. 

“After you see us off, why don’t you call him Rafael?” Ianto said kindly. “To see what it is that he has to say?”

“Why should I?” Rafael retorted stubbornly, the previous measure of anger he had been nursing in his belly sparking up. 

Ianto sat back with an unfathomable look on his face, before letting out a subdued sigh. 

“Because you will finally get what you need,” Ianto finished. 

Rafael stiffened. 

“Which is?” 

Ianto gave him a resigned smile. 

“Answers. More than anything else, I think you want answers, no matter what they are. At least you will know,” Ianto said, before turning his attention back to his suitcase, leaving the older man to ponder over his words. 

Even before Ianto had finished his sentence, Rafael knew he was right. 

Shit. 

Ianto knew that it was the uncertainty over Carisi’s intentions that Barba found more unsettling than anything else. 

That it would continue to bother him. 

That was why, after sending them to the airport, Rafael responded to Carisi with the address of a late night cafe and the time, with the short message, _“Don’t be late”_.

Carisi responded almost instantly with, _“Don’t worry, won’t keep you waiting”_.

***

The coffee bar that Rafael had chosen was a late night hipster affair, filled with hoboing students, tethered to powerpoints and the wifi. The former ADA knew he looked out of his place with his black jeans, expensively worn grey at the knees and slate coloured cashmere jumper.

But this place was close to his apartment so he could walk back if needed, it was quiet, and most importantly, their coffee was beyond compare. 

Especially when it came with a shot of Jameson. 

For the hundredth time that hour, Rafael wondered if he was doing the right thing, hugging himself as he remembered Ianto whispering “good luck” into his ear before getting into the Uber. 

But before he could talk himself out of it, Carisi came barging through the door at 11 pm sharp, his coat flying behind him. His entrance accompanied by a gush of frost that cut through the smell of scorched beans and scalded milk. 

“Sorry Counselor, I am not late am I?” Carisi said, plonking himself in front of Barba, that familiar smile firmly in place but bordering on apologetic. 

“No, but cutting it close Carisi,” Barba answered, but his reprimand was mild at best. “Why don’t you get something to drink first?” 

“Oh sure, sure,” Carisi answered, shrugging off his coat and scarf and hanging his bag on the back of his chair. The clothes horse that he was, Barba ran an appreciative eye over what Carisi was wearing that day, a well-tailored dark blue shirt with small white polka dots, paired with a skinny blue tie. 

Even though it was something he himself would never wear, Barba had to admire the moxy of the outfit. 

“What’s the coffee like here?” 

Barba grinned. 

“Irish,” he said with a gleam in his eyes. Carisi raised an impressed eyebrow as he headed to the counter. 

While Carisi was giving his order, it gave Barba a few minutes to compose himself, to run scenarios in his head as to how this conversation would go. It was something he did in court all the time, the ability to think on his feet was what made him such a good prosecutor. 

But for some reason, Barba kept coming up blank every time he tried to picture an endgame.

“You will get more grey hair if you keep thinking so hard Barba,” Carisi slid into his chair carrying a blue mug that was full to the brim. It only took one inhale for Rafael to fill his nose with the woodsy smell cognac. 

Barba shot him a hard side-eye that made Carisi flinch.

“I mean, not that you don’t look good anyway,” Carisi quickly added, taking a hurried sip of his Cafe Royale to cover up his faux pas, only to damn near burn his tongue in the process. 

It pained Rafael to see such good coffee drunk like it was the swill served at the courthouse. 

“Carisi, you are doing a disservice by drinking it like that. Don’t drink it like you have a train to catch,” Barba scolded, pouring him a glass of water so that fumes would not choke the detective. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine, don’t worry,” Carisi said before promptly launching into a coughing fit. Barba shot him a look as it to say “I told you so”. 

But it was a look that was so familiar and comforting to Carisi that it made him forget the alcohol burning a path down his larynx. 

“Thanks for meeting up,” he said, in between hacked coughs, in a way that was disarmingly sincere. 

It made Barba sit up straighter in his chair. 

“No problem,” Barba said, crossing his arms in front of his chest as if to unconsciously protect himself. 

“What can I do for you detective?” 

Instead of answering right away, Carisi rubbed his thumb against the side of his mug. 

It floored Barba to realise that Carisi was _nervous_. Even when he had first asked him out, he had never been this visibly nervous. 

“Look Carisi I don’t have time to…” 

“Can you help look at this?” Carisi said, suddenly pulling a file out of his bag. “There is this case, where this woman force fed her 25-year old stepson Viagra and then had sexual intercourse. Effectively raping him.” 

Rafael felt the air leave him in a punch as fleeting shadows of his past cases came back to surrounded him. Cases that first horrified him, then infuriated him, and that he subsequently clinically dismantled so he could get a conviction. 

Fury. He had almost forgotten what pure fury tasted like. 

“What the hell?” 

“Nobody at the DA’s office really has experience with this kind of case as much as you Barba. We can’t seem to get her, and I thought why not have you look at it. See if there is anything we missed,” Carisi said, scratching the side of his face. 

Barba frowned. 

“Give me your notebook and pen,” Rafael motioned Carisi to give the items over so he could jot down his thoughts that were already going a mile a minute. 

“Start with where it happened, and let’s go from there.” 

The two pored for what seemed like hours over the case notes, deaf and blind to the goings around them. Along the way they ordered more coffee, but went easy on the spirits so that their thoughts remained sharp. 

It was only after Barba was satisfied that he had dotted every i and crossed every t did he allow himself the luxury of looking at his watch. Only to almost fall off his chair when he realised it was 2 am. 

“I didn’t realise it was so late,” he said, stifling a yawn. “But I think you have something pretty solid to bring to your current ADA.” 

“I have to agree with you there,” Carisi answered, fighting off his own sleepiness by rubbing his eyes, which Barba’s fingers itched to stop. 

Draining the last dregs of his now cold coffee, Sonny slowly started gathering up the papers and stuffing them in the bag. 

As he did so, he could not help but meet Barba’s gaze and felt a tug at the camaraderie he saw there. It was obvious for all to see how much the former prosecutor missed this. 

Fighting. Strategising. Proving that he was the smartest person in the room. 

“I heard your current ADA is quite a looker though,” Rafael suddenly said, eager for something to break the sudden frisson of tension that cropped up between them. 

Sonny chewed his lip as he tried to come up with something diplomatic to say. 

“He is, smart too, and an okay guy, but he’s not you,” Sonny finally said, deciding that honesty was better than feeding Barba a line that he would have likely seen through. 

But instead of being flattered, Barba felt his heart constrict and the earlier anger come back to the surface. The Sonny talking to him now, _this_ Sonny, didn’t have a right to be with him in this way. 

“Is that all Carisi?” Barba said shortly. Carisi felt a chill in his bones at the change in tone. 

Sonny cleared his throat, as a pretence to shore up his courage. 

“Actually, no Barba. I also wanted to tell you something else,” Carisi said, ignoring the steel edge of Barba’s look, determined as he was to get something off his chest. 

“I really liked talking to you, the night of Liv’s party,” Sonny added, finally meeting the older man’s eyes, unreadable due in the dim lighting. “I guess, in all of it I had forgotten that.” 

Neither man felt the need to clarify what ‘it’ was. 

“So, I guess what I am trying to ask is whether it is okay for us to maybe do this again,” Carisi finished, trying to ignore his sweaty palms. Taking a deep breath, he straightened his posture. 

“After all, since you are back in New York anyway, it might not be a bad thing. To become friends again,” the younger man added, trying and failing to keep the bare trace of hope out of his voice. 

Barba’s breathing hitched. 

“So what say you Barba?” Carisi said, adding his softest smile for good measure. 

Later back in his apartment, Barba didn’t really know why he had said yes to the detective’s request. A part of him had fumed at the gall of the man, wanting to pick up whatever scraps that were left of their friendship to patchwork together, as if it were that easy. 

But maybe it was also because Carisi didn’t know that Barba’s time in New York had a definite clock on it. Maybe because he knew that he most likely wouldn’t see out the year here, that made it easier to ignore the elephant in the room. 

Carisi’s company for now, with no strings attached or future to think of. 

It appeared that even Rafael Barba could have a selfish streak. 

“Just not too often Carisi, I have things to do. A mother to drive up the wall,” Barba answered, using snark as always to cover up what he was really feeling.

From the way Carisi’s grin widened, Barba knew he had bought it. 

“I better go too, got an early shift tomorrow,” Carisi said putting his coat on, which prompted Barba to do the same. 

After both had said their goodbyes, Rafael watched for a minute as Carisi walked away with a bounce in his step, that spoke of a man having accomplished what he had set out to do, his tall figure ringed by the streetlights. 

And Rafael…

Rafael went home with the feeling of that red string wound tight against his little finger. 

***

Although it had been Sonny that had suggested it, even he was more than a little surprised at how often he saw Barba after that first late night coffee meet. 

It was still Carisi who was doing all the asking, but Barba more often than not said yes. It got to the point where they were seeing each other almost every other day, sometimes for less than an hour, other times it could stretch from midnight to morning. 

Luckily for Carisi, it was a slow time for SVU so he could spend more time picking out cases that he thought the former ADA’s advice would prove invaluable on. 

The thought did cross Carisi’s mind to ask why, after days of being given the brush off, that Barba suddenly had so much time to spend with him. 

However, he still wanted both his kneecaps, so he thought it better not to bring it up. 

He found out anyway during the course of regular conversation that pressure from Lucia had eased off a little now that school was on a break, and that his houseguests had decided to spend an extended length of time in The Big Easy. 

It actually gave Carisi a small measure of comfort that he wouldn’t have to deal with Jack’s blue-eyed smarm any time soon. 

Whatever it was, Carisi had very much come to look forward to his time with Barba. Although, yes, a part of it was because he had always enjoyed their conversations, loaded as they were with pitfalls, laughter and insight. 

The other, which he only started admitting to himself recently was that the non-ADA version of Barba, who dressed in comfortable clothes with undefined expensive lines, whose hair was shot through with silver, was absolutely gorgeous. 

“Carisi? Carisi? Are you listening to me?” 

“Yeah, yeah Counselor, I am,” Carisi shook off his reverie in order to turn his attention back to the papers in front of him, making mental notes as he absently crumbled the cookie that had come with his coffee on an empty salt-speckled plate. 

The bistro they were in was Sonny’s choice this time, definitely a little more bodega-chic than hipster. But it had really good fries and secluded booths where both of them could go over cases undisturbed. 

Barba ran an uneasy hand over is beard. 

“I know immigration law is your thing Carisi, but it’s not easy, and this is international immigration law. Are you sure you want to go through this?” He asked in a way that meant to sound pacifying but instead came out a little frustrated. 

Sonny felt a slight flare of annoyance. 

“No worries Barba, I got it,” Carisi replied, his voice a little tight, as it always did when the older man cast doubts over his ability as a lawyer. 

It was just like Ianto said, even when in love, men could not help but want to show each other up. 

This was one of those days where the case they were going over was one of Barba’s, sent to him by his old boss, who apparently kept him on some kind of transatlantic retainer. 

Carisi also supposed the reason Barba’s comment had ruffled him was because he was only doing this to protect his feelings. The older lawyer had left sex crimes for a reason, and Sonny felt a stab of guilt every time he brought him a SVU case. 

Bringing him back to the dark, making him face the worst in people. 

That was why he had insisted that Barba bring some of his work. Yes, it was a great learning experience, but Sonny also didn’t want him to feel like some free Legal Aid booth. 

“Wait, wait, so I want to get this straight. This company lured their workers with promises of an office job, but instead sent them out in the scorching heat to do construction?” Carisi said in disbelief, flipping through the case file.  
As he ran his finger over the paragraphs, his chest tightened as the words ‘exploited’ ‘isolated’ and ‘worked to death’, popped out at him as if written in neon. 

“And this guy is indentured to the company for two years worth of wages, before he has even laid a brick?” Carisi finished, his voice hard. He saw so many horrors in his line of work, but even this struck him as deliberately inhumane. 

Barba nodded, tapping his pen on the table in a sharp staccato. 

“It’s a common ruse to get for labour for cheap. And because the main construction company, this huge MNC with all the proper shiny plaques and credentials subcontracts a lot of the work, it’s impossible to make them accountable.” 

Barba gave a short humourless laugh, which sounded more like a bark. 

“Qatar is notorious for pulling this kind of crap, and FIFA is so corrupt it makes City Hall look like kindergarten,” he finished almost bitterly. 

“They aren’t building stadiums, they are building tombs.” 

Carisi’s throat tightened. 

“Doesn’t it drive you nuts? That you are never really going to get these guys?” The detective asked quietly. 

He knew Barba never cared much for his win-loss record, if his go-to strategy of making big swings for the fences weren't enough of an indication. 

But Carisi knew that despite his best efforts to compartmentalise them, some losses stuck with Barba longer than others. 

Instead of responding, Barba just sank back into his seat as he tapped his pen on his knee, the dark green of his sweater blending into the velvet lining. 

“Of course it does Carisi,” Barba responded, just as quietly. “But that doesn’t mean we give up. We can’t save them all, but we can start by saving one, and then another. So they don’t die in some godforsaken concrete structure with no proper marker. So that at least some get to go home and see their families again.” 

In that moment, Carisi realised how foolish he had been, thinking he needed to protect Barba. He never needed saving, not from his job, not from anyone. 

Even though they were six years older than when they first met, Barba was still taking him to school.

Carisi was about to open his mouth to apologise for doubting him, when an unfamiliar beep from his phone stopped him. Confused, he flipped over his iPhone to read what turned out to be a weather warning. 

“What is it?” Barba asked, pulling his files together. 

“Squall warning, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before,” Sonny said, quickly scanning the message that warned of sudden whiteouts and icy bursts. 

Barba groaned. 

“Great, of course it would be the day I dared to leave the heavier coat at home right?” Barba groused, quickly finishing his drink as he gathered up his things and put on his leather jacket before zipping it up. 

“A couple years away and you forget that New York weather likes to say ‘up yours’ on occasion?” Carisi said with a grin as he also grabbed his belongings. “Admit it though, you must miss some of it.” 

Barba snorted inelegantly. 

“Yeah, I missed the soaking wet snow, the pokey umbrellas and disrupted public transport,” he replied, but Sonny could see a glimmer of a laugh in his eyes. 

“What kind of weather did you get in Dubai then?” Carisi asked as he automatically paid the bill for the both of them. 

Barba smirked, “Sandstorms.” 

Thankfully the weather was still fairly mild when both men headed out to the street. But Sonny immediately could smell that something was different, and he could see how ominously the clouds were looming over the horizon, colouring the mid-afternoon sky dusk. 

“Well Lyft pricing is buggered. Do you think I can make it 30 blocks before this thing hits?” Barba said, glowering at his phone as if it had wronged him somehow. 

“Maybe, if we walk fast,” Carisi said pulling his knit cap further down over his ears and draped his charcoal wool scarf over his shoulders. 

“You don’t have to walk with me Carisi, I can make it by myself,” Barba said wryly. Carisi shook his head as if what Barba said had offended him. 

“You will freeze, and then the Lieu will have my guts for garters when they find you a frozen popsicle in some stairway somewhere. She will be like ‘You left him in severe weather Carisi? Without a proper coat? What were you thinking!?’ or something like that,” Carisi said in such a pitch perfect imitation of Olivia that Barba burst out laughing. 

Carisi took advantage of the moment to nudge past him, before Barba could think up another suitable excuse. 

“So get to walking then.”

They made it about fifteen blocks before the first gust of wind blew past them, making window panes whistle and people curse as their umbrellas turned inside out. 

But worse was when the sleet came, in short, sharp, nearly horizontal sheets, whipping through Rafael’s hair with wet fingers, abrasive against his face like a thousand little cuts. 

“Fuck,” he cursed as microscopic bits of ice got into his eye, making it hard to see where he was going. Without thinking he grabbed the edge of Sonny’s sleeve, so he wouldn’t get carried away by the steady stream of people who had the same idea to seek shelter. 

At certain points, Barba swore he could feel his feet leave the floor, carried by the current of the crowd, closer and closer to curb. Until a sudden yank pulled him from slipstream and underneath the awning in front of an abandoned bakery. 

“This is madness,” Carisi muttered as he used his sleeve to wipe his face. Next to him, Barba was trying his hardest not to shake as he brushed the ice from his sweater, but try as he might he could not stop the shivers from coming. 

“Shit, Barba you are going to get hypothermia,” Carisi said, his worry turned up to the max at how blue the older man’s lips were. 

“Here,” he added, unwinding his scarf from his neck so he could double loop it around Barba’s neck and pull the ends through in a Parisian knot. 

“Thanks Carisi,” Barba said through clenched teeth as he tried to get his temperature to come back up. Cupping his hands, he blew into him as he tried to get feeling back into his fingers. 

“Let me help.” Before he realised what was happening, Barba felt Carisi’s larger hands envelope his so that he could rub their palms together. 

At first, all Rafael could focus on was the cold ache settling in his knuckles. But as the numbness gave way to pinpricks as blood rushed back into his fingertips, he became acutely aware of how close they were standing. 

Close enough that Rafael could feel the texture of Carisi’s skin against his, hands made rough by years of being in the service, ridges on his fingers that were often crooked around his gun like a bolt around a screw, and the warm huff of air on his cheek as they shared a breath. 

Sonny’s scarf, it smelt like him, sweet and citrusy like Starbursts. 

When he saw Sonny’s pupils widen, Rafael knew that he had felt it too. 

A spark.

“Carisi.”

It was his name, said so softly that made everything else fade away for Sonny. Just like that first night at Forlini’s, the night Barba had walked back into his life, everything that wasn’t him was nothing more than shapeless washes of colour. 

In that moment, Sonny could not remember why they had broken up in the first place, the numerous fights and differences that caused their relationship to fracture. 

Because when he looked down at Rafael Barba in that very moment, all Sonny saw were those green eyes and he couldn’t for the life of him think why they weren’t together. 

How he wanted to kiss him so badly it actually ached. 

“Rafael, I…”

Sonny’s phone rang. 

It was that sound, harsh and shrill, which brought Barba back to his senses. He pulled his hand back as if he had been scalded, so quickly that it knocked Carisi back a step. 

“Barba, hey…” 

“You better answer that,” Rafael said, stuffing his hands as deep as they would go in his pockets, in order to gain back some control over his emotions, viciously yanking at the scarf so it wouldn’t be so close to his face. 

Carisi stared at Barba for a split-second before scrambling to pick up his phone. 

“Carisi. Yeah, Amanda I heard about the squall, I am actually caught in it,” Carisi said, before listening to what she had to say. All the while, keeping one eye on Barba. 

“Alright will see you in a bit,” Carisi said before hanging up. 

“Rollins needs some help. I’m gonna head to her place after I get you back home,” Carisi explained as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket. 

But Barba barely heard him over the thud of his heart against his sternum, as the low grade resentment he had been feeling over transformed into a full-blown fever. 

Of all the familiar conversations they had been having recently, Rafael never thought that they would be reliving this one again. 

“I don’t need you to come with me the rest of the way Carisi. You better just go,” Barba said shortly, his voice flat and devoid of emotion. Spying a gap in the throng of people, he took the chance to slip into the space in order to put as much distance between them as he could. 

Before Carisi could say anything, before he could even blink, Barba had become part of the crowd. 

“Barba! Hold up!” Carisi almost had to shout to make himself heard as he attempted to follow the older man. Something that proved extremely difficult as he bumped and wove amongst bodies, trying his hardest to keep Barba in his sights. 

It was only when they were practically at Barba’s doorstep that Carisi managed to catch up, the crowd thinning so that he was close enough to grab his hand, which Rafael roughly shook off. 

“What was that for Barba?” Carisi said, exertion and frustration making his cheeks run hot. “I told you I would walk you and…” 

Rafael finally spun around to face Carisi, and the detective felt a blow to his chest at how cold and accusatory Barba’s eyes were. 

“What are you doing Carisi? What is all this for? The meet-ups, the flirting, the pretending you give a fuck about me. What is the purpose of all this?” Rafael said, the venom practically dripping off his words. 

“Barba, what are you talking about?” 

“Talking about? What is it you want from me?” Rafael asked, digging his fingernails into his palms. 

Carisi felt as if he had been sucker punched. 

“What? I don’t want anything from you Barba, I mean…” Carisi rubbed his forehead in an agitated manner. 

“I never pretended anything! Even when we weren’t dating, even when I wasn’t in love with you, I never pretended that I cared, because I do! I always have. If only if you weren’t so fucking stubborn you would see that,” Carisi fired back, his hands balled into fists. 

Rafael gave a hollow laugh. 

“You cared? Funny, that didn’t seem to be the case that day in my office,” Barba said, his voice suddenly dropping to a dangerous octave. 

Carisi blanched. 

“That day, I mean...” 

“You have no right Carisi. I come back and you have no right to act like it was nothing,” Barba interrupted, his anger so tangible he could taste in the back of his throat. 

“You said you wanted us to be friends. If you really thought that, you are either delusional or lying. Because it damn well seems like you wanted more.” 

He drew himself up to his full height as he stared Carisi straight in the eye. 

“Do you?” he asked, his voice hard but he couldn’t quite stop the undercurrent of vulnerability running beneath the question. 

Because Barba was sure of his feelings, always had been since day one, knew them as well as he knew his own name. 

It was just Carisi he wasn’t sure of. 

Carisi faltered under Barba’s gaze, but felt his own anger surge at being forced into a corner. It had always been this way with Barba, ultimatums, negotiations, being spun upside down until you had no idea which way was up. 

“It’s not that simple Barba, and don’t you dare make it seem like it is. You hardly pushed me away did you?” he said, his voice hard, but Rafael could hear the cracks between the syllables. 

It was Carisi’s uncertainty that was the final spike in whatever it was Barba had ever felt for the detective. It made the anger seep out of him, only to be replaced by something that felt perilously close to sorrow. 

And Carisi was right, it wasn’t all on him, and that just made him angrier at himself for allowing the arrogance to believe that anything was different. 

That this time, they would be different. 

“Nothing’s changed between us Carisi. Maybe you think they have, but you still have no bloody idea when it comes to this.” 

He almost added, you have no idea when it comes to _us_. 

Fumbling for his keys, Barba wrenched open his door so he could step inside, but not before he had one last thing to say. 

“I am done letting you jerk me around,” Barba said quietly, before slamming the door behind him. 

Leaving Carisi on the other side, standing in the cold and wondering how they had ended up here again. 

Staring at a door, desperately wishing that it would open. 

***

**//Two and a half years previously//**

It started with a text. 

_“I don’t appreciate being questioned in my own office”_

_“Neither do I appreciate being told that I can’t fucking do my job Carisi”_

_“She’s my partner Barba, I gotta have her back”_

_“Don’t give me that loyalty bullshit Carisi, not when it torpedoes my case!”_

_“Our case! We took a hit too”_

_“Don’t get angry with her because your ego was bruised”_

_“Screw you”_

_“I can’t talk to you like this Barba. Let’s just both cool it and I will see you at your place”_

And followed up by an argument. 

_“I don’t care if you understand just find him now.”_

_“Don’t you hang this on us… you lost that motion to suppress. Not me,” Carisi argued, his jaw tense as he chewed his words. His blue eyes so cold that for the first time Barba felt that he was looking into the eyes of a stranger, not his lover._

_“Not this again, Carisi,” Barba snapped, cutting a bloody swath through whatever legal argument the detective was trying to put forward._

And words that couldn’t be taken back. 

_“What the hell was all that about?” Amanda asked in confused urgency._

_“It was nothin’.”_

_“Didn’t sound like nothing,” she said._

_Sonny spun around to face her, his cheeks heated, his temper boiling over._

_“Listen Amanda, I don’t care about Barba. But I gave him a good case that would have kept the original confession alive and we wouldn’t be in this position right now…”_

***

In a million years, Carisi would never have thought he would ever say that he didn’t care what Barba thought. Putting him on a pedestal the way he did, nobody influenced the ebb and flow of his emotions as much as the ADA did. 

And he never would have imagined that there would be a day where he dreaded going to see him. Where his feet turned to lead at the very thought of going back to Rafael’s apartment.

So he didn’t. 

“Hey beautiful,” he cooed to Jesse, as he attempted to put her down for the night. He felt his heart blossom and warm at the sight of her kicking her chubby legs as if on an imaginary bicycle as she reached for her mobile. 

“You gotta go to sleep okay? Otherwise you are going to give your mum hell,” he said softly, letting her grab on to his little finger as she stared at him like he was everything she ever needed in her life. 

For the first time in a long time, Carisi felt a yearning for structure. For something he could hang his hat on. And that feeling just deepened and grew as he watched Jessie slowly blink her eyes, drowsily sucking on her pacifier until she fell asleep. 

“She out?” Amanda asked as Sonny came back into her living room carrying the baby monitor. 

“Like a lamp,” Sonny replied, gratefully accepting the beer that Amanda offered him. It almost felt as good as sinking into her plush couch, letting it cradle his tired bones. 

Although outwardly Sonny looked fine, Amanda didn’t fail to notice how he seemed to be fidgeting in his skin, and how he damn near jumped every time his phone beeped. 

“What’s going on with you Carisi?” she asked softly. For all her teasing and earlier distrust of him, Carisi had come to mean a lot to her. His support, his eagerness to be a part of Jesse’s life had made her do something she rarely did. 

It made her change her opinion of him and let him in.

“It’s Barba isn’t it?” Amanda added. Carisi hesitated a fraction before nodding. 

“Yeah, it’s not going well. I don’t know what it is but we’ve been fighting more, about work, about other stuff. Things we previously were always able to let go,” Carisi said, closing his eyes as he leaned on his hand. 

“But Barba, he’s just not letting go and it’s getting tiring.” 

Carisi opened his eyes so he could level his gaze with Amanda. 

“It shouldn’t be this hard Amanda, should it?” he asked sadly, as if hoping she magically had all the answers. Rollins took a deep breath as she patted Sonny’s hand in a manner she hoped was reassuring. 

But unexpectedly mixed with all that was a shred of anger at Barba for making Carisi choose between love and loyalty. 

“No it shouldn’t Sonny. It should be organic, it should make sense, it should come together,” Amanda said comfortingly. She moved closer so that their legs were touching, and she give his knee a squeeze. 

And suddenly she wasn’t sure who her words were meant for. 

“But then this is Barba we are talking about. He has never chosen to do things the easy way, and to be frank, isn't that what you love about him? That stubborn streak a mile wide and as deep as the Hudson?” she said, pulling back as she pushed aside her own complicated feelings. 

Because what Sonny needed now was not options, it was a friend. 

“Yeah, I guess, but some days...” Sonny sighed as he stared out the window. “I guess I better head over to his place then.” 

“Good luck,” Amanda said as she walked him to the door, but before he could cross the threshold, she pulled him back into a bear hug. 

Carisi sank into the easy comfort, the obvious sincerity in the gesture warming him from the inside out. 

“Thanks Rollins, for everything,” Carisi said gratefully. 

“Anytime, you guys will be okay,” she said with such conviction that Carisi actually believed it. 

“I hope so Amanda, I really do.” 

***

By the time Carisi let himself into Barba’s place, it was already two am. Thankfully, it was a Saturday and as far as he knew, the both of them had nothing really planned. 

Maybe, it would be a good time for them to reconnect, Carisi mused. It was almost like he gave himself a pep talk, because Sonny knew deep down that more than anything else, he wanted this to work. 

Because, nobody had ever made him feel the way Barba did, slippery and complex emotions that since that every day he desperately tried to sort out. 

Flickers of love that often felt frozen in despair.

Given that it was so late, Carisi was fully expecting Rafael to be in bed, but he wasn’t at all surprised to find him behind his desk in his home office, an open bottle of Scotch next to him. 

It only took Carisi one look at his face to know that trouble was brewing. 

“Bad day Counselor?” 

“Yeah, an absolutely shitty one,” Rafael said keeping his head down so that he would not have to meet Carisi’s gaze. Sonny’s heart sank when he realised he couldn’t remember the last time Rafael had come out from behind his desk to greet him with a kiss. 

And it disturbed him even more that on some nights he felt as if he was lying next to a stranger. 

“You are late today,” Rafael stated, trying his hardest to not make it sound like an accusation, but failing anyway. 

“I told you that I would be helping Amanda out today. Jesse was having a time going to sleep so I stayed on to help,” Carisi said almost defensively. 

“Right.”

Sonny didn’t like how ugly that word sounded in Rafael’s mouth. 

“Rafael, you know there is nothing between Amanda and me. She is my partner, she needs help…” 

“I know Sonny,” Rafael interjected sharply. “But I am sorry if I resent having to wait for my lover to come home from playing Happy Families with someone else.”

Sonny pressed his fingers to his temples as he felt a headache coming on. This was not how he wanted the conversation to go. Barba though seemed to not give a shit about the detective’s state of mind, judging by the way he had picked up his glass and headed to the living room. 

“Where are you going Rafael?”

“Away from this. Like I said, I had a bad day and I don’t want to say anything that I can’t take back,” Rafael said turning his back on the younger man. 

Sonny gave a humourless laugh. 

“I think you’ve said quite enough to start Barba.” 

The detective grabbed the ADA by the forearms so that he could not run away. 

“What is this really about Rafael?” Sonny asked quietly. “I thought we always said we would never let work get in the way of us. So talk to me, _please_.” 

For a moment Sonny thought he had gotten through to Barba, his expression changing to one he had never seen before. It was almost as if he were sorry that he had let it get this far. 

Only to have it disappear in an instant. 

“Well, you don’t care what I think anyway right?” Barba fired, not holding anything back. He had said it so vindictively that it made Sonny let go as he staggered backwards. 

Amanda was right, it shouldn’t be this hard. 

“That is rich coming from you, when was the last time you took my opinion on anything?” Sonny answered, more out of his wounded pride than anything else. 

“Why don’t you just admit that this is not what you want anymore Carisi? This relationship, us, it doesn’t fit in with whatever plan you have mapped in your head.” 

If Carisi had been thinking clearly he would have been able to pick up the hurt behind the bravado. But all he heard was Barba telling him he wanted an out. 

“That is not true, I do want you, I do want a future with you…” 

“But it’s not enough is it?” 

It was the way he said it, with so much certainty that landed like a rock on his chest. Even so, Barba’s gaze remained steadily trained on Carisi’s face, the real meaning implicit. 

_I am not enough_.

Barba was not the possessive sort 

Except when it came to Sonny. 

And how he hated that. 

“I can’t do this Sonny. I am too old to do this with you,” Rafael said quietly, his voice steady. He wasn’t going to give Sonny the satisfaction of knowing how much it was hurting him to do this. 

Barba was right, as he always was, Sonny realised. 

“Neither can I Rafael. Maybe it’s time to end this, while we still can. Before we can’t stand each other,” Sonny said with surprising calm. Maybe it was because he knew that sometimes there was nothing to do than accept a loss. 

No matter how devastating it was. 

Although both knew that Barba was always the one holding the reins, it would have to be Sonny who finally cut the cord. 

Snip. 

“I better go. Some time apart would probably do us good,” Sonny said, stepping back as he put his hands in his pockets, fighting the urge to cradle Rafael’s face so he could run his thumbs over his features, to commit them to memory.

Because he knew that he would never again get the chance to touch him this way again.

Barba nodded. 

“See you at the office Carisi,” Barba said turning away. He closed his eyes so he could even out his breathing, only for them to fly open when he heard Sonny speak. 

“We had some good times right Barba?” 

Rafael swallowed hard. Sonny’s sweet side never failed to get to him.

“Yeah, we did. It lasted longer than I thought it would,” he replied, not daring to turn around. 

The remark was snide, but there was no teeth to it. Sonny knew not to take it personally. Barba wouldn’t change, at least not in ways Sonny was hoping he would. 

“See ya,” Sonny said, putting his copy of Barba’s key on the side table before heading out the door. 

And just like that, it was over. 

Leaving Rafael alone in the dark, a whisky glass pressed to his forehead.


	5. ~Chapter V~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello wonderful people :) Thank you so much for the comments and kudos so far. Please enjoy this chapter as it was one of the earliest I had drafted when I first had been planning this fic, and I hope it gives some insight into Sonny's mind. I was also rushing to finish this before the season resumes, so forgive any mistakes. Actually I was aiming to finish the entire thing before the season resumes because I have a feeling the writers are going to do something dumb =_=;;; 
> 
> Regardless, no worries, if the thing happens tonight which I think will happen, will still finish this fic. This pairing is simply too good to let silly preconceived norms get in the way. 
> 
> Thanks again, and kudos/comments are love.

***

 _If only my back were to sprout wings,_  
_I would follow you, who set out on your journey,_  
_And tie together the broken threads of memories_  
_So I can hold you tightly once more_

***

Sonny Carisi rarely lets himself feel regret. 

It had been that way since he was a kid, when he should have spoken up against the boy who had been bullying him. When he let his fear and need for acceptance get ahead of doing what was right. 

Since then, Sonny decided that the only way to live his life was just to face the consequences of his actions head on. No matter how painful, no matter how difficult, it was still better than wondering about what might have been. 

But, as always, there had been one exception. 

It still surprised Sonny how much Rafael came up unbidden in his thoughts, latent memories of him like residual air in his lungs. Even with the excuse of their previous relationship, the detective would often catch himself wondering what the older man would be up to, whether he was happy where he was. 

Whether he thought about Sonny too. 

Carisi sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. This was not the time to be having these thoughts, seated as he was in the middle of the bullpen, staring at the tail-end of an eight hour shift. 

But how could he not? For over a week Carisi had been staring at his phone, wondering what to do. Every time he picked it up, he would flick to Rafael’s name, before putting it down again.

Because Barba was right, what _was_ he doing?

A month ago he thought he knew. After all the initial uncertainty he had felt, Sonny thought that he had a handle on his relationship with Barba. A chance to make up for past mistakes, so there would be no regret.

But now, after that moment where he had almost kissed him, all he felt was regret. 

“Detective Carisi isn’t it?” 

Sonny was startled when a deep, commanding voice from behind caused him to sit up. 

“Counselor Ellis, what brings you here,” Sonny said, running his hand over his hair in order to look presentable. There were very few lawyers around that Sonny had total respect for, and Bayard Ellis sat very high on that list. 

“Need to talk to your lieutenant, she in?” Ellis asked, gesturing towards Olivia’s office. 

“The Lieu stepped out for a bit, but she should be back soon,” Sonny said as he glanced at his watch. Offhandedly he also noticed that it was getting close to the time that he should be clocking out. 

“In fact, she is back now,” Olivia said as she came around the corner. Giving Bayard a warm hug, she gestured for the both of them to head into her room to give them some privacy. 

Carisi meanwhile tried his best to push his jumbled thoughts to the back of his head as he tied up whatever loose ends he had left. Part of him really wanted to talk to Amanda about what he was going through, but she had already left for the day mumbling under her breath about having ‘a sitter on the clock’. 

That was okay though, Sonny didn’t fail to notice that she got a bit strange every time he brought up the former ADA. 

“I spoke to Barba by the way.” 

Sonny’s shoulders jerked when he suddenly heard Bayard mention Rafael’s name, as if conjured from his thoughts. But he kept on staring at his computer, so that Olivia wouldn’t notice that he had inadvertently caught that part of their conversation. 

“He told you.” 

“Yes, he apologised for not getting back to me. Shame, he isn’t sticking around, he would have been a great addition to my team. C’est la vie, I’m sure he knows best what he wants,” Bayard said as he walked in step with Olivia towards the lift. 

Barba was… leaving? 

Sonny couldn’t help it, the minute Olivia returned to her office, he got up and knocked on her door. 

“Yes Carisi?” 

“Rafael’s leaving?” Sonny blurted out, not thinking clearly as to how odd it was to be suddenly asking this of his boss. 

Olivia’s eyes narrowed slightly, but the rest of her face remained an impassive mask as she took in Carisi’s state, how he was trying his hardest not to pace in front of her. 

“What’s it to you Carisi if he is?” She finally asked, her voice neutral. 

“But he just came back, and now he is going to leave again?” Carisi said, unconsciously tugging on the cuffs of his olive green shirt as he sat down in front of Olivia. She felt her heart tighten at how clearly in the dark Barba had kept him.

Of course she knew that the two of them had been meeting up recently, Rafael hadn’t tried to hide it when she mentioned that Carisi hadn’t been around as much. But she resisted asking what it meant, because to be frank, she was sure Barba had no clue either. 

“Carisi,” she sighed as she pulled off her glasses. “It is not my place to tell you about this. If you want to know, it’s him you have to ask.” 

Sonny picked the hem of his shirt as he looked to the side. 

“It’s not that easy anymore Lieu,” he responded wistfully. 

Olivia gave him a sad smile. Although she was fiercely protective over her entire team, she would be the first to admit that she had a soft spot for Carisi. She admired his unwavering faith, his efforts to better himself and ability to see the best in people. 

Barba had admitted to her once one late night over too many drinks, it was what he loved about Sonny too. 

“Look Carisi, i will tell you what I told Barba. It is what I told you when you both disclosed the first time. What happens between the two of you, stays between the two of you, and none of us should have a window into it.” 

She drew a breath. 

“We share so much of our lives together, it is necessary for some parts to remain just for us,” Olivia said, her words structured in such a way that Sonny knew it came from too many years of resisting the bulletproof cynicism needed to do this job as status quo. 

“I suppose you are right Liv,” Carisi said, a resigned timbre in his voice. 

“But…” 

Carisi looked up as Olivia went on, her eyes soft as if sharing a secret with him. 

“If you ask me, he is looking for reasons to stay. He just hasn’t really realised it himself yet,” she finished, giving Carisi a look that was loaded with meaning, which made sadness wind in a tight spiral inside him. 

Because he wondered if that really was the case anymore. 

“I better go clock out Liv,” he said quietly, which Olivia acknowledged with a nod of her head. 

As he walked away, Olivia let her real feelings show as she leaned against her steepled hands. She wondered if she had spoken out of turn about Barba’s state of mind, and whether she had done more harm than good. 

When Barba had left, Olivia had thought that maybe Rollins would be the right person to help Carisi deal with it. That was why she had been so open with her encouragement when Sonny had told her that he just wanted her to be happy. 

However, there had been a moment that night at her birthday when she caught a glimpse of a quiet moment without them realising that she had been watching. 

Leaning close over half-empty glasses, Barba’s eyes closed as he listened with a gentle smile to Carisi telling him everything and anything. 

And in that instant she realised that it would be hard to imagine one without the other, as inseparable as music and rhythm.

Olivia wondered whether she was getting more sentimental as she grew older, if those were the kind of thoughts that crossed her mind these days. 

Maybe the answer was a lot simpler. 

Maybe a selfish part of her just wanted her best friend to stick around. 

***  
“Fancy running into you here.” 

Sonny was struck by a feeling of deja vu as a familiar Welsh lilt once again shook him out of his thoughts. He turned in surprise as Ianto took the seat next to him without waiting to be invited. 

“What are you doing here?” Sonny asked confused. Frankly he was more than a little perturbed to find Ianto in the same bar as him. It was like that old cliche, of all the gin joints in New York, why was he in this one? 

“I should ask you the same question Sonny… is it okay if I call you that?” Ianto said with a smile. 

Sonny inhaled sharply. He knew by rights that he should have gone straight home the minute he got off work, but it seemed his feet had other plans for him, as he walked aimlessly away from the direction of his apartment. 

He didn’t know how he ended up in this bar, only that it looked slightly familiar to him. But all he knew was that he needed some time to think things over, which he was, until the Higher Power decided to upend all that. 

Sonny rarely questioned God, but this time he wanted to ask him, “Are you kidding me?”

“Rafael told me this place does good gin and tonic, the way they make them back home, so I decided to check it out,” Ianto said, offering up the explanation when it became clear that one wasn’t coming from Sonny. 

It then struck Sonny why he knew this place. Barba had brought him a couple of times when they had been chatting over case law. It seemed his feet knew what he wanted better than he did. 

“Where is your boyfriend?” 

“Spending some alone time with Rafael, I am going to meet them later for dinner,” Ianto said as he waved the bartender over, trying not to react as he felt Sonny visibly stiffen next to him. 

“Are you like the most forgiving person in the world or something?” Sonny couldn’t help but snipe as the vivid memory of Jack nuzzling Rafael’s ear made him fume. 

“I trust Jack,” Ianto said calmly, while swallowing that niggling ‘most of the time’ that eternally perched at the tip of his tongue. Sonny’s eyes narrowed as he saw that Ianto was clearly holding something back. 

“Besides, they are both closet musical freaks and I simply can’t get into that,” Ianto said, half in jest as he tried to get Sonny to relax. 

Of course that was far from the truth. Jack had taken one look at Rafael when they had returned and muttered ‘Roppongi’ to Ianto, which was their codeword when they wanted a temporary out. It was a way of asking permission to spend time with someone that went beyond the normal set boundaries of friendship. 

But Sonny didn’t need to know that. 

“Look, I don’t know you from Adam, but nobody is that magnanimous,” Sonny argued as he unconsciously tore up his coaster into jagged paper fragments. 

Ianto bit his lip as he wondered whether to reveal more. But as he looked at Sonny, he realised that part of him felt that he already knew him from the bits and pieces Rafael had allowed to let slip. 

But more than what was said, Ianto knew Rafael would not choose to be with someone who wasn’t worthy of his devotion. 

“Jack and I were actually apart for a number of years Sonny. We only got back together a year ago. And in that time away, we had other relationships that were memorable to us, and it something you need to give space to,” Ianto said.

“You can’t ignore the past, no matter how hard you try. I was allowed that, so I figured Jack deserved the same courtesy,” he added. 

“Sounds complicated,” Sonny muttered. 

“It is, but then human beings are. It is what makes us beautiful and ugly, and it is something we should embrace,” Ianto said, accepting his drink from the bartender. 

“You a philosopher or something?” Carisi said wryly. “I thought that would be the bartender’s job. And why are you telling me this anyway?” 

Ianto paused for a breath. He knew that Jack would kill him if he knew what was being said, but then Ianto reasoned, his boyfriend’s intentions were clearly distorted. 

Ianto’s was not. 

“Because I know what it is like to be with someone who is emotionally closed off. Who finds it hard to tell you that they love you even when they do, who are so used to circling the wagons, that they use their intelligence, their looks, to protect themselves, even when they don’t need to,” Ianto said, saying it in such a matter-of-fact way that Sonny almost missed the tremble in his hands. 

It was then that the penny dropped for Carisi as to why Ianto had chosen to tell him this. Because it wasn’t superfluous small talk when Ianto had told him he understood him. 

That despite his wide circle of friends, nobody could understand what he was going through like Ianto did. Both were involved with men that were much older than them, who were overconfident to the point of frustration. 

And Sonny hadn’t realised up until that point, how much he needed that. 

“How long were the two of you apart?” Sonny asked, tapping his glass. 

“Four years,” Ianto replied with a smile. “My turn Sonny, when did you know you loved him?” 

Carisi slowly swirled the ice cubes in his glass as his thoughts knitted and braided themselves together. 

“I was fairly new to the team, and Barba already had this history with them that I wasn’t a part of. But I heard about him and his old friend who was running for New York mayor, who turned out to be a right creep, sending dick pics to underage girls. 

Barba took him down and he accused Barba of jealousy, of forgetting who he was and where he came from. And then his wife, who Barba once loved, also accused him of taking her husband down because he was jealous.” 

Sonny but all slammed his glass down. 

“Barba is one of the most straightlaced people I know, he has this sense of justice that is damn near unbreakable and they thought he would bend so easily. 

It was then I felt angry… murderous even! To people I barely knew! That they had hurt him, that they had made him upset! Nobody has the right to hurt him!” 

Sonny finished out on a breath, his voice even sounding flushed to Ianto’s ears. 

“Nobody should ever make him feel that way,” Sonny said quietly, gripping his glass so hard that Ianto feared it would crack. 

Anger, below the pain. It was so present. 

And it made Ianto wonder how much of that anger was directed towards himself. 

Feeling his heart constrict in empathy, Ianto put a hand on the detective’s forearm, in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. 

“Then why did it end?” He asked softly, without a trace of judgement in his question. 

Sonny closed his eyes, it was the same thing he had been asking himself for days. 

“I don’t know why, really. I don’t know why we walked away. We had been fighting more, over work and other things, which we never used to. Maybe it’s because I still don’t know if he’s the one for me. And he didn’t fight to stay with me either.” 

Ianto paused as he took a sip of his drink in an attempt to process all Sonny had told him. 

“There is someone else?” Ianto finally said, but in a way that told Sonny he wasn’t probing for curiosity's sake. 

After a beat, Sonny nodded. 

“My partner, her name is Amanda. I care a lot for her too, and I am sure she feels something for me, but we just never got together, because of timing or her issues or a hundred other reasons.” 

Sonny ran his hands through his hair. 

“She has these two wonderful kids that I adore and I am like… wow… how easy would it be to fit into that, instant family ya know?” 

“I get that,” Ianto said softly. 

“And I wouldn't have that with Barba, and I couldn’t help but think what it was I would have to be giving up. It came down to me picking sides, and I chose her even when I knew he was right about certain things.” 

Sonny balled his hands into fists as he tried to hold back his frustration. 

“I used to love arguing with him, it was our love language you know? But it became spiteful, it became targeted, and suddenly it wasn’t so fun anymore.” 

The last part was said to so quietly that Ianto had to strain to hear. 

“Can you hate someone you love?” Sonny asked, almost more to himself than to anyone else. 

“Yes,” Ianto answered immediately. “You can resent them so much that you want to destroy them.” 

Sonny looked at Ianto in disbelief, but the other man was dead serious, his blue eyes like stone. 

“Can you also be in love with two people at once?” Sonny wondered out loud, a ragged edge to the question. 

“Of course,” Ianto replied simply. 

“How is that even possible?” 

“Because love isn’t easily defined Sonny. It means so many things to us at so many stages of our lives. It changes shape as we do, so trying to make sense of it is pointless.” 

Sonny started as Ianto suddenly leaned over. 

“But I don’t think that those are the questions you should be asking,” he said meaningfully. 

“Why are you here Sonny? Why are you torn up about this? What is it exactly that you are trying to make amends for? Because from what you’ve told me, this should all be water under the bridge by now.” 

There it was, the question that was at the heart of all that Sonny was feeling. The only thing now was that he had an option to answer it, to tell it to someone who didn’t have a stake in his life, but understood what he was going through. 

Because he had gone through it too. 

Drawing himself up, Sonny turned to Ianto so he could start to tell him something that he had never told anyone before. 

Not Amanda, not Olivia, not his family. 

About the last time he had talked to Rafael.

The day he had left. 

***

**//One and a half years previously//**

Sonny strode down the hall to Barba’s office, with something akin to panic quickening the speed of steps. He hadn’t seen the ADA since the whole trial started, and he needed to ask him something in person. 

“So it’s true.” 

Rafael looked up at Sonny framed in his doorway, staring at him like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, his hand firmly on his hips. 

“Hello to you too Carisi,” Rafael murmured under his breath as he kept putting books into boxes. He ran his fingers over the spines, the titles written in flowing gold script, mentally reading the raised lettering in an effort to distract himself from the way his former lover was staring at him. 

Like he had lost his mind. 

“They told me you had quit, and you didn’t even think to tell the team? I had to hear it from Liv,” Carisi started, walking closer to Barba was. His steps, which had been so urgent a minute ago, were now tentative, as if he were aware that any sudden move would scare Barba off. 

Barba’s jaw tightened. 

“That is why I told Liv, she would then tell all of you,” Barba answered, going around his desk to sit down, instinctively putting an obstacle between them. He wasn’t going to let Carisi see how close he was to breaking down.

Twenty-one years. It was hard enough to leave something that had been his life for twenty-one years, without Carisi telling him openly that it was a mistake. He knew if he let the detective get any closer to him, he would either end up punching him or collapsing his arms. 

“Yes you told her, but you didn’t tell us, you didn’t tell _me_ ,” Sonny said, sorrow washing over him at how far their friendship had deteriorated. Yes, they weren’t together anymore, but he thought that he mattered enough to Barba for him to at least do that. 

He still mattered enough to warrant a proper goodbye. 

Annoyance flared hot and strong in Barba at Carisi’s words. 

“Well, I am _sorry_ if I had other things to think about Carisi,” he snapped, getting back on to his feet as he faced his now partially empty bookcase. 

Now it was Carisi’s turn to feel like shit. 

“Look, Barba I didn’t mean that I am sorry… I just,” Carisi stopped short as words failed him. He cursed inwardly at letting his feelings get the better of him, but when he heard that Barba was leaving, something cold settled in the pit of his stomach. 

He hated losing anyone in his close circle, but the thought that he wouldn’t get to work with Barba, that it wouldn’t be his profile he saw in court, filled him with sadness. 

Taking several deep breaths so that he could organise his thoughts, Carisi glanced around at Barba’s office, his eyes darkening as he took in the neatly stacked boxes and half open bags filled with the ADA’s personal belongings. 

“You know, I’ve always loved how you decorated your office. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that,” Carisi said, the non sequitur coming out more pensive than he would have liked. 

Barba gave him a guarded smile.

“Actually you have, and I replied, isn’t it too old fashioned for your taste?” he answered as he went back to sorting out his desk. 

“Nah, it’s very… you,” Carisi said, tracing the shapeless grain of Barba’s desk, following the lines with his fingertips until it ended up in a wood knot. He took a deep breath as he faced the older lawyer head on. 

“Barba, you were found innocent. You don’t have to leave,” Carisi argued, but even to his own ears, it sounded more like a plea. 

Don’t leave. Stay. These were the words that were at the tip of his tongue, and later Carisi realised that he had been saying them to Barba as long as he had known him. 

Like a broken record he always thought he could somehow fix. 

“Did you run into Jack McCoy? He just told me the same thing, said it was half his job to stop people from doing stupid things,” Barba joked without mirth as he kept putting stuff into boxes. 

To keep his hands busy, an act that was more of self-preservation than anything else. 

“He’s not wrong Barba,” Carisi said softly. “I mean, you were born to save people, what will you do now?” 

Gripping his hands on the edge of his desk, so hard he almost chipped the shellac, Barba looked away so that he would not have to meet that earnest, blue-eyed gaze that somehow still idolised him. 

Even though the image by now had undoubtedly been tarnished, the sheen dull with imperfections. 

“I don’t know,” Barba said honestly. “All I know is that I can’t do this anymore.” 

Carisi swallowed hard. 

“Will you stay in New York?” 

“I don’t think so, too many whispers, too many reminders. I am not strong enough to face that every single day.” 

“But you are!” Carisi exploded. “In the eyes of the law, you didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“I can’t forgive myself Carisi!” Barba answered back, his hurt and frustration finally manifesting itself. Taking a deep ragged breath, Barba closed his eyes as he tried to pull all of what he was feeling back. 

“I can’t forgive myself,” he repeated, softer this time. His head jerked up as he met Carisi’s eyes, “Could you?” 

It was those two words that finally knocked Carisi back a step. Yes, he accepted that Barba had to do what he thought was right, and that many people also agreed that what he did was merciful and not malicious. 

Yet, he also couldn’t stop the small niggling voice inside him, who told him that what Barba did was just fundamentally wrong. That he had no right to end a life, even if it were suffering. 

Because it wasn’t him. 

Barba gave a short laugh. 

“I guess I have my answer then Carisi,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest so that he wouldn’t see him shake. 

His words set something off in Sonny he did not fully recognise. 

“You do this every single time Barba, you hide behind your intellect, to protect what? You don’t have to always do this,” Carisi said, his words coming out harder than he intended. 

That was it, Barba had enough as he threw up his arms in frustration. 

“What are you doing here Carisi really? What are you trying to achieve?” Barba said sharply. 

What Carisi wanted was to tell him, so badly, about feelings that he had forgotten about, that used to echo through him, coming back to the surface. Scars on his heart that ached like forgotten memories. 

_Can we try again?_

But instead, tainted as it was by Barba’s actions, the words that came out were very different. 

“I wanted… I wanted to tell you that you didn’t have to go, but I guess I am wasting my breath,” Carisi said, his voice sounding cold even to him. 

“I have to go Carisi,” Barba said quietly, for the first time really looking into Sonny’s eyes. If the detective had been more observant, he would have seen the hidden question in fringes of that look. 

“Then go,” Carisi replied, his voice low. “And take care of yourself.” 

It seemed that no matter what, he would always feel concern for Barba. But it didn’t stop him from turning his back on the ADA and walking out of his office. 

Even if every part of him wanted to go back and hug Rafael and never let go. 

***

“I accused him Ianto, of not being strong enough to stay, what a fucking dickhead was I?” Sonny said bitterly.

Ianto stayed silent as he traced the rim of his glass, the ice having long melted and the cucumber wilting at the bottom. 

“But part of you still believes what you told him that day, doesn’t it? That what he did just didn’t sit well with you,” he said plaintively. 

“Because... “ Sonny started and stopped. “Because I didn’t know the person who did that. Where was the principled person I fell for, with an unwavering sense of right and wrong?” 

“What did you expect Sonny? For him to flagellate himself forever?” Ianto asked confused. “You know he will carry that burden with him for his entire life, but he doesn’t have to scrawl it across his chest like a tattoo.” 

“But he left! He didn’t even try, he just left!” 

“The job hurt him too badly.” 

“He could have stayed and made it work.” 

Ianto drew a breath and exhaled it slowly as realisation dawned. He gave Sonny a long look. 

“Or was it that he didn’t stay for you?” Ianto said softly. 

There it was, the truth that Sonny had tried his hardest to deny himself. That no matter how he tried, no matter how much he loved him, he could not stop Barba from walking out the door. 

And that it hurt that even when Barba told him he loved him, it had never been enough. 

“Be that as it may, it doesn’t change what he did. How do you live with that? With that guilt?”

Ianto took a deep breath. 

“You make it a part of yourself, you live with the regret on your chest and you die with it. But that ‘you’ still deserves to be happy. I was given that advice a long time ago and I still believe it.” 

Ianto put a hand on Sonny’s shoulder. 

“Because what is love if not someone who wants to be with you in all your damaged glory?” he finished quietly. 

Sitting back in his chair, Ianto watched as Sonny internally warred with himself as he let his words sink in. But there was one more thing he needed to share with the detective, to give the situation context. 

Because he wasn’t paying lip service when he told Sonny that he understood him. 

“I was married you know… at one point. I was married when I met Jack, and he was engaged. What we had started as an extramarital affair, that hurt so many people around us. And I regret that, every single damn day of my life.

Jack and I broke up when she was diagnosed with cancer, and I always questioned myself after she passed, did I miss it because I wasn’t there? Would she have survived if I had been just around? That was why Jack and I were apart for so long, why there is still so much to fix between us.” 

“Ianto,” Sonny said surprised, but he found himself suddenly at a loss for words. 

“I was like you Sonny, I thought what I wanted was something more traditional, kids, a house in the suburbs. With my late wife, I thought it was all I wanted. I never realised that an aspect of it was missing until I met Jack.” 

Ianto leaned forward so that he and Sonny were eye-to-eye. 

“So you have to ask yourself, what is it that is missing? What is it that is making you feel incomplete? Maybe those are the questions you should really be asking, and whatever the answers are, you need to learn how to make peace with it.” 

With that, Ianto stood up and threw some bills on the counter before taking his leave, allowing Sonny time to sit with his thoughts. 

***

“What crawled up your ass and died?” 

Sonny grinned ruefully as Amanda stood before him with one hand on a cocked hip. 

“You already used that recently Rollins.” 

She shrugged. “You want fresh comedy, go to a stand-up.”

Crouching down, she put her hand over his and squeezed, smiling when he squeezed back. 

“I’m going on a proper coffee run, you want anything?” She offered. Sonny shook his head as he waved her off. 

“Nah, I’m good.” 

Actually, was he? This was the thought he had as he watched her walk out the door, leaving just him sitting alone in the office. 

It had been two days since his chat at the bar with Ianto, and Sonny was no closer to sorting out his feelings. While he had gained clarity on some things, there was still so much that was coloured grey. 

Ianto had made it sound so simple, living with his regret even though it must have been anything but. He wasn’t Sonny though, and Sonny needed something more, something more concrete. 

The ironic thing was, he actually had it. 

There was one thing he could have done, one thing that he should have done, but couldn’t bring himself to do, even though it had been years. 

Yanking open his bottom drawer, Carisi reached in and brought out a centimetre thick folder, dusty after having been untouched in so long. 

The transcript of Barba’s trial. 

He had asked for a copy of it the day after Barba’s case was concluded, but had just as quickly shoved it there, especially after that scene in his office, the wound too raw to deal with. 

At 1PP’s request, only Liv had been in the courtroom for Barba’s trial, worried as they were about the optics of having the squad turn up in silent support of a child killer. 

But Sonny had heard bits and pieces, and none of it had been reassuring. He had always held Barba up to a standard, of this brash lawyer with a mouth that wouldn’t quit, who shredded to ribbons anyone who dared underestimate him. 

From what he had heard, the man who took the stand that day was a world apart from the man he had fallen in love with. 

Sonny thumbed the dog-eared corners, as he willed himself to flip it open. 

If he were being honest with himself, Sonny wasn’t afraid that if he really knew what went on that day, that it would make him stop loving Rafael. 

He was afraid that it wouldn’t. 

And it would force him to make decisions that he wasn’t ready for. 

Not even for Barba. 

Not even for Rafael. 

But Ianto was also right, Sonny would only be able to move on once he could definitely put a name on what he was feeling, to stop with the excuses that he simply did not know. 

In a sudden burst of motion, Sonny opened the folder before he could lose his nerve. Grabbing his lukewarm coffee, which somehow helped to shore up his resolve, he ran a ruler down the page as he started to read. 

He read through the testimonies of the parents, his heart breaking more than once as they described their plight over their son. He had been there when they had taken the mom in, but even so, it was something else to read their detailed accounts of having to lay bare their pain for the world to see. 

Then it came to Barba’s time in the dock and Sonny’s fingers faltered. 

Swallowing hard, he pushed on as he forced himself to read every question put forth to the ADA. He smiled to himself as he read Barba’s answers, eloquent and to the point. 

But then it came to Stone’s final question, repeated several times, and Sonny could guess the tone as the words leapt off the page. 

“Did you feel guilty?” 

Carisi’s ruler stopped at Barba’s answer. 

“I do.”

In his head, Sonny could hear Barba’s voice saying those words. How it would break ever so slightly on the last syllable, how every regret he ever carried in his life would be present in those two words. 

Sonny’s heart tightened and broke. He swallowed away the taste of salt at the back of his throat. 

There in front of him, in black and white, clear as day, was his answer. 

It had been there all along if he only dared to look. 

Rafael had never stopped being the man he loved, even on what must have been one of the worst days of his life, he remained steadfast, principled and yet vulnerable. 

And Sonny realised that he would never really stop loving him. 

It was the truth that he had the longest time tried to deny through half-formed excuses, for whatever reasons that simply did not matter anymore. 

He needed to see him, he needed to see him now. 

“Carisi? Where you going?” Amanda asked as Sonny walked past her, his coat half on.

“I just need to settle something, tell Liv I just stepped out for a bit,” Sonny said, folding his hands in apology and thanks, the lift closing before she could ask any more questions. 

Sonny knew he would get an earful later, but that really didn’t matter for now. 

All that mattered was getting to Barba. 

Before he knew it, he was standing before the door of Barba’s apartment, his knuckles hurting as he rapped on the door. Sonny bounced anxiously on the balls of his feet as he waited for it to open. 

There was so much he wanted to tell Rafael, so much that needed to be said, and Sonny didn’t want to wait another minute to say it. Things he should have said that day in the office. 

Rafael had wanted to stay, and Sonny knew that now. 

So he would give him a reason. 

“Barba?” he called, breathing easier when the door swung open. 

Only to be greeted by a shirtless Jack Harkness, clad only in a towel wrapped around his waist, water tracing a path down his chest. 

Sonny staggered backwards, as the air was sucked out of his lungs. 

“What the hell do you want?”


	6. ~Chapter VI~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, almost at the end now, which makes me both sad and relieved. This chapter was one of the first I wrote when I was drafting this piece and I hope gives more insight into this couple (and to Jack and Ianto too). Also in light of the recent season of the show (which turned out okay, but not great), this is kind of my attempt to workshop some ideas I had. My only thought is that please, please, please don't destroy this character that I've come adore (as I attempt to remember that yes, this is fictional haha). 
> 
> That aside, thanks for reading and comments/kudos are so much love.

*** 

_Keep on loving me,_  
_Even this heart that ended up turning so fragile_  
_Gazing at the light, we fall_  
_At last, I overlapped, with your shadow_

***

Of all the scenarios Sonny had run in his head when he pictured Barba opening his door, finding a dripping wet half-naked man on the other side was not one of them. 

A dripping wet half-naked man who was currently glowering at him. 

“I repeat Detective… Carisi, is it? What the hell do you want?” Jack asked, clearly hostile, squaring his shoulders so that Sonny could not see into the apartment. It was actually amazing that despite his nearly nude state how strong he stood, feet planted firmly on the ground, almost daring Sonny to make him move. 

But Sonny would not be so easily cowed, he took down rapists and murderers for a living after all. 

“I am here to see Barba,” Sonny replied, pulling himself up to his full height. 

“Sorry, no can do blue-eyes. He isn’t available, a bit tired out you know,” Jack said with a click of his tongue, sweeping his wet chestnut hair back with an almost cavalier gesture, the insinuation in his falsely contrite tone intensely insufferable. 

Carisi’s hands itched to wipe that smirk off his face. 

“Then I will wait, I need to talk to him,” Carisi said, lowering his shoulder so he could push past Jack without really touching him, before the other man could really stop him. 

Unexpectedly though, Jack let Carisi come in but not without adding, “Why? So you could hurt him again?” 

Carisi spun around to face the other man, his expression incredulous. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You… _ran_ ,” Jack said scathingly slamming the door behind him. “Things got tough, things got rocky and you chose to opt out. Could not run out the door fast enough could you Detective?”

Sonny gritted his jaw and clenched his fists at the accusation. 

“He ran too,” Sonny almost spat back defensively. 

“Oh no, you don’t get to do that. His career was in tatters, he had ended a child’s life. No, the burden was on you to be the stronger one, and if you weren’t willing to do that, you have no right to be in his life.” 

Jack advanced on Carisi with sure steps, but to his credit the narrowing gap between them didn’t fluster Sonny. In fact, he was near furious that this absolute stranger had the balls to judge their relationship. 

“Not that it’s any of your business, but Barba didn’t seem to really need me, and I wanted to respect that,” Carisi answered. But the last thing he expected was for Jack to shoot him a look that could only be described as pity. 

“You have no clue do you? Rafael didn’t need you to save him, he just needed you to be _there_. If you can’t even do that, what good are you?” 

That was it, that was the last straw. Of all the things to accuse Sonny of, saying that he wasn’t there for Barba was so far from the truth. 

“Why does it matter to you! You already have someone, someone who seems to love you so much that he lets you get away with pretty much anything,” Carisi said, getting up in Jack’s face, his blue eyes filled with anger. 

“You talk so much about being fair, how are you fair to your partner? Or was this entire trip just so that you can convince Rafael to fall for you again? Now who is the fucking hypocrite here?” 

Jack’s eyes narrowed, but like Carisi, he wasn’t about to back down. If anything, the look he gave Sonny was full of derision. 

“Why is the concept of love so binary to you Detective? It is not always one or the other. Of course I love Rafael, but not in the way I love Ianto. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stop being there for Rafael if he needs me.” 

Jack pushed forward, so suddenly that Sonny had to take a step back. 

“Sound familiar?” Jack said, his voice dropping an octave, the words oily and slick, the intimacy almost too much for Sonny to bear.

Carisi felt a jolt to his nerves. 

“What do you…” 

“Rafael told me everything about you and that partner of yours. But in my case, I know who it is my heart belongs to, always has.” 

This time it was Jack’s turn to step back, letting a breath of cool air fill the space between them. 

“That is why I wanted to protect him from you. Because he deserves to know what it is like to be loved without doubt” 

Carisi saw Jack’s demeanour suddenly change, the tenseness leaving his shoulders as his eyes that had been filled with so much fight suddenly turn. 

If Sonny didn’t know better, he would say Jack looked _pained_ .

“He has given up so much, I didn’t want him to have to give that up,” Jack said quietly. 

“Jack.” 

Both men spun around at the sound of Ianto calling Jack’s name, the younger man standing at the door of what Carisi knew to be Rafael’s guest room, his hand on the doorknob with an unreadable expression on his face. 

Jack knew that look though and inwardly groaned. He hated that look. 

“Enough Jack, you go get dressed and let me talk to Sonny,” Ianto said softly, but there was a definite order shoring up his words. 

The captain’s face was a steely mask as he gripped the waist of his towel harder, but he obeyed Ianto without question. But he wasn’t about to go quietly. 

“He still defends you Detective, do you know that? Even with everything that has happened, he still sticks up for you.” 

Sonny inhaled sharply and bit his tongue. 

“Rafael deserves better than your uncertain heart,” Jack added quietly.

With that parting shot, he pushed past his boyfriend to get into the bedroom, but not before exchanging a long look with Ianto. The younger man nodded but gestured behind his shoulder for him to leave. 

“What is the deal with the three of you?” Sonny asked in genuine confusion the minute Ianto closed the door behind Jack. 

“Rafael is not here Sonny, he left a couple of days ago,” Ianto said, evading Carisi’s question as he sat down on the arm of the sofa. 

Sonny felt his insides grow cold, was he too late? 

“Where did he go?” 

Ianto shook his head as if to tell him that it wouldn’t be that easy. 

“It is not my place to say,” Ianto said. “But before you start jumping to any conclusions, I just wanted to tell you that there is nothing going on between us. Jack talks a good game, but it is always more bark than bite.” 

Sonny could not help but to feel an almost indescribable relief wash over him as Ianto dispelled all the jealous thoughts he had been having ever since Jack answered the door. 

“Although,” Ianto shrugged carelessly, “Rafael is uniquely gorgeous, Jack always did have good taste.” 

“Yeah, he is,” Sonny said, a clear resigned note in his voice. Running a hand through his hair, he sagged back against Barba’s bookcase, letting it take his weight as he suddenly felt boneless. 

“He is right you know, I don’t deserve him,” Carisi admitted, his confession soft but resonating loudly in the quiet of the room. 

Ianto shook his head, as if Carisi had gotten it extremely wrong. 

“That is not true Sonny. Rafael is no saint, the job was weighing him down and instead of just admitting it, he just kept at it until it broke him. Maybe part of him even resented how you seemed to be able to deal with it in a way he never could.” 

Ianto pushed himself upright so he could get closer to where Sonny was standing so he could put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Remember what I said that day? About him circling the wagons? He did that because that is all he knows how to do, and in no way are you responsible for that. That is something that he needs to work on.” 

Taking a step back, Ianto crossed his arms as he appraised Carisi’s state of mind and felt something inside him lift. Unlike that day at the bar, he was reassured by what he saw today, gone was the despair Carisi had previously held in his shoulders, replaced instead by determination. 

But Ianto needed to be sure.

“Why are you here today? I know you must be sick of that question by now, but why are you here?” 

Carisi let out a slow breath as he put all his weight back on his feet.

“You told me to find answers, and I did. They were there all along and I guess I was just too afraid to look for it. 

Well I am not afraid anymore, and there is a lot more. But it is not you or your boyfriend I should be telling this to. It is him, so I just need to know where he is _please_.”

It was the way that Sonny said that last word that struck Ianto. He wasn’t pleading or entreating, he was telling him that even if he got no answers from them, he would go out and find him Rafael anyway. 

Looking at him now so sure of himself, a half-hopeful smile on his face that invoked thoughts of bright days shimmering of heat and azure blue skies, Ianto could finally see what it was Rafael saw in him. 

He had always wondered what it was that drew Rafael to Sonny. Rafael who didn’t have to do much to make people fall for him, who inspired desire and yearning the minute he opened his mouth. 

But it was now so obvious to Ianto that he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before. 

Blinding optimism that chased away the shadows. 

“Do you know though what you are in for if you go ahead Sonny? Are you sure you want this?” Ianto asked.

“You knew what you were getting into with _that_ one,” Sonny jerked his head towards the closed door behind Ianto. “And you still jumped in.”

Ianto smiled, Sonny had him there. 

“Headfirst,” Ianto said, without a trace of irony. “Someone asked me once, what was it about him, and the answer I gave them was… it was just him.” 

Ianto’s eyes were soft as he looked across at Sonny, and the detective immediately knew what he meant. 

“It is only him,” Ianto finished. He stayed quiet for a moment before taking a deep breath. 

“He said he wanted to do some hiking to clear his head, Harriman State Park I believe?”

“Is that it?” Sonny said, anxiously biting his bottom lip. “But the park is huge, can’t you give me anymore?” 

Ianto looked genuinely apologetic. 

“I am sorry Sonny, that is all he told me.” 

Sonny had to fight the urge to groan in frustration. The location was a start, but it was barely a lead. 

But, Sonny looked up at Ianto, his eyes filled with resolve, he had done more with less. 

“It’s okay, I have found suspects with very little. I can figure it out.” 

“Surely you aren’t going to comb through the entire park Sonny?” Ianto asked in disbelief. 

“I repeat, wouldn’t you search every corner of the galaxy to find that piece of work?” Sonny retorted with a grin, and Ianto had to laugh. 

It was that last bit of confidence that made Ianto finally take pity on the other man. 

“Although…” 

Sonny turned sharply at Ianto’s careless utterance. 

“I did happen to see this reservation for the Hilton Woodcliff Lake, for some time tomorrow when I was looking for a pen on his desk,” Ianto said, dropping this bit of information almost too casually. 

Understanding dawned on Sonny, and he nodded conspiratorially at Ianto. 

“I didn’t hear any of that,” Sonny replied with a smirk as he opened the door. 

“Good luck Sonny,” Ianto said at the entranceway. 

“Thanks, I will need it because…” Sonny paused hesitantly in the hallway. “Because I am honestly not sure how he will respond, even now.” 

“Do you really not know Sonny?” 

Sonny looked at Ianto in surprise as the other man took a step towards him. 

“Do you know what he sees when he sees you Sonny? He sees the best of what people are. He looks at you and he is reminded that there are still good people out there. He fights every day for someone like you.” 

Ianto’s blue eyes were so clear that Sonny’s breath caught at the unwavering certainty in his words. 

“So never ever, ever think that you aren’t good enough for him. He doesn’t.” 

Sonny felt a thickness at the back of his throat, and told himself it was just the cold and dust in the corridor. 

“Wish me luck anyway, it can never hurt,” Sonny said swallowing hard. With one last nod, he turned on his heel and walked towards the lift.

Leaning against the doorframe, Ianto watched him long after he had gone with a small smile on his face. 

“Do you think we did the right thing Ianto?” Jack asked, fully dressed now in a faded cotton blue shirt, coming up behind his lover to wrap his arms around him. 

“Yeah we did. Rafael just needs to realise that he has to let people in further than he has been doing. That all hurt is not bad, and that some things are just worth taking a risk on.” 

Ianto closed his eyes as he leaned back against Jack. 

“Like he said himself, he doesn’t always need to be Gary Cooper.” 

Jack nodded in agreement. 

“That boy is good for him. Well… when he isn’t being emotionally fragmented all over the place,” Jack admitted wryly. 

“Is that why you were so hard on him?” Ianto asked, eyebrow partially quirked as he turned to Jack. The captain gave a half-shrug. 

“I owe Rafael, I might have been rotting in some Dubai prison if he hadn’t been there to save my ass. Plus, he brought me back to you. 

Rafael is special, he deserves someone just as special to recognise that.” 

“That he is,” Ianto agreed, his voice low. “And he can’t always have mine either.” 

Ianto tried to make it sound light, tried to pass it off as a joke. But the unavoidable truth was that some days were just easier than others when it came to loving Jack Harkness. 

“Hey…” 

Ianto felt Jack bury his nose into the crook of his neck. 

“Never just a blip in time to me Ianto Jones, remember that,” he murmured into soft skin. Ianto nodded as he felt his throat tighten and patted Jack’s hand. 

“I hope he finds him,” Ianto said. 

“Yeah, I hope so too.” 

***

Even as he got back to work, Carisi was already calculating in his head how long it would take for him to get to Barba’s hotel. He was always like this, once he got an idea lodged in his head, it would take an explosion to blast it out. 

However, since Carisi realised that he wasn’t in fact a lead in some romantic comedy, he needed to make sure the team would be okay with him taking a day out. Thankfully it was Friday, he just had to clear the afternoon and he would be good. 

Of course, Ianto hadn’t given him a specific time. But given how it got dark early these days, he figured Barba wouldn’t exactly relish the thought of wandering around the woods in the dark. 

“Where’s the fire Carisi?” Amanda asked as she watched Sonny pack his things up in a slightly haphazard way. 

“Gonna take early, taking a short drive out to the park. Sorry to do this to you Rollins, but the Lieu said it was okay.” 

Amanda motioned with her hands that she understood. 

“No worries, but you owe me lunch,” she said jokingly. But there was something in the urgency of Sonny’s motions that made her worry. 

“In all seriousness Carisi, where are you going?” 

Her question stopped Carisi in his tracks. Although he had told Olivia the bare bones of where he was going, Amanda deserved a more than just a cursory explanation. 

It appeared that there was one more thing he needed to clear. 

Sonny wasn’t so arrogant to think that he was number one in Amanda’s heart, but he knew that it was high enough that it mattered. Their closeness, their friendship, he really did think at one point that it was all he wanted. 

But, and as much as he hated to admit it, that insufferable asshole Jack Harkness was right. Love was not so clear cut, and even in that space, there were so many shades that there would never be an obvious solution. 

However, there was one thing that rang clear for Carisi, a reason that rang as clear as a bell. 

She wasn’t Rafael. 

“I am going to talk to Barba, he is apparently staying at some fancy hotel near the state park,” Carisi said as he stopped his packing and sat across from his partner. 

Amanda’s eyes instantly clouded. 

“You sure about that Sonny?” She said, her voice heavy with doubt despite its gentle tone. “I mean, I saw what the relationship did to you. Are you sure you want to go through that again?” 

Sonny’s heart softened at her concern, but he knew that it wasn’t just purely for him. The parts of he and Rafael’s relationship that he guarded so jealously were always what went on behind the scenes, that he felt no one had the right to see. 

Because the truth was, nobody had made him as happy as Barba did. 

Barba who didn’t need saving, he just needed to know that someone would love him imperfections and all. 

What was the phrase Ianto used? Right, damaged glory. 

“Yes I do Amanda. I won’t tell you that I know how this is going to end, but I know that I am not going to wait years before I tell him how I feel,” Carisi said, his words unfettered. He hoped by telling her the truth that she would understand, that she would get it. 

That sometimes, the timing just didn’t work. And sometimes what seemed like the best outcome, was nothing more than expectations that didn’t match the baggage people carried with them. 

Amanda got it, but still wondered why it made her so unbearably sad. 

“Go then Carisi, but you better come over and cook dinner more to make up for this,” she reprimanded with a waggle of her pen. Her expression immediately softened though when Carisi shot her that dimpled smile. 

“Sure, see ya Amanda,” Carisi said as he hoisted his backpack over his shoulder. 

“See ya,” she said, softly adding “good luck” under the breath as she watched him walk towards the elevator. She didn’t realise that she kept watching long after he had left, until the phone rang. 

“SVU, Detective Rollins speaking…”

***

Rafael breathed out a plume of white smoke as he mentally urged himself to put one foot in front of the other. As he felt a crick in his left knee, he wondered for the hundredth time today why he thought he was fit enough to hike a high trail despite having not done it for months. 

“Fallacy I suppose,” he muttered as he finally allowed himself a break on a bench placed just where the ground leveled out. Taking deep breaths to fill his lungs, he tasted the clean sweet air as he took a better look at his surroundings. 

Immediately he felt his heart fill with calm. 

It was hard to believe that this place was only an hour outside New York. It might as well have been another planet given how quiet it was out here. From where he was seated, he could just make out one of the park’s many lakes, flat as a mill pond, reflecting the indigo and peach sky. 

Maybe this was worth the creaky knees. 

ADA Barba would not have been caught dead out here, he had been far too preoccupied with doing his job, giving his all, that to take some time out seemed unbearably self-indulgent. 

Until one weekend many years go where Lucia had dragged him up here, mentally kicking and screaming. Only to find that he actually did enjoy some measure of physical activity. 

Not that he would ever tell his mum that. 

But he needed this more than ever today. After that day in the storm with Carisi, he came back more confused, hurts he thought he had buried, coming back to the surface. 

He always thought he was okay not being with Carisi, that sometimes relationships just didn’t work out. But it turned out that the lie you told yourself got harder to keep when the truth was so obvious. 

The truth that he never really got over Carisi. That the friendship they kept, was in reality that red string tying them together in the first place. A string he knew he should have cut a long time ago, but he just couldn’t. 

Because he had held on to hope, until that day at his doorstep when he realised it was pointless. 

The only thought he had on his mind that day was “ _I need to leave_ ”. 

It was what he told Jack and Ianto as much as he hastily packed a small suitcase while apologising profusely that he wouldn’t be around, and that they were welcome to stay for as long as they wanted to. 

He had also told Jack what happened between him and Carisi that day, in hopes that it would add weight to his apology. Which Jack waved off while at the same time telling him that he was being silly for feeling bad in the first place. 

“You know you are more than welcome to leave with us Rafael. Follow us back to the UK, or even to Japan. We are going later this year. Come with us so you can walk along the Thames, or visit the red torii gates in Kyoto,” Jack had said. 

“He’s right Rafael. Got plenty of space at the house in Cardiff,” Ianto had chimed in, and Rafael could see there was no reservation in his offer. 

“I might take you up on that,” Rafael said with a dry laugh. 

“One caveat though.” 

It was Jack that had said this, sounding so serious that it made Rafael freeze. 

“Just make sure you are running towards something, not away from it, okay?” 

Jack was so rarely serious that it made Rafael tongue-tied. He could still see the questioning look in those eyes and realised that he didn’t have a real answer, one that wasn’t bluster and excuses. 

Rafael sighed as he leaned back against bench. 

His rational mind knew what it was that he had to do. The part of him that was concerned with self-preservation at all costs, told him that he had slipped up, and that the most important thing was to get back on the right path. 

Barba was good at being clinical, you couldn’t try as many cases as he did and not be. The smart thing to do was to just move on completely, and forget as much of his life in New York as he could. 

He knew it was what he had to do. 

So why was it he couldn’t stop thinking about him? 

A gust of cold wind blew across his face, which made Barba instinctively pull his scarf up to protect his himself. 

Except it wasn’t his scarf. It was Carisi’s scarf. It had been the first thing he had grabbed that day when packing without thinking. 

He had wanted to return it, but he just couldn’t find the time to send it back. It was easier than admitting to himself that he just didn’t want to give it up. That every time he picked it up, Carisi’s face that day filled with shock and betrayal came back to him. 

Yet the scarf was so _him_ that it was endearing. Grey with fine gold and green threads woven in among the cashmere, and those damn tassels at the end. 

What was it with Carisi and tassels, Rafael had to wonder. 

But it was moments like this that came to mind more often than not. Rafael tried to think of the bad times, of why they never made sense as a couple, how it would never end in anything but hurt. 

However, despite his best efforts, there was one memory that wouldn’t leave him. Like a film reel in his mind, it spooled over and over again until Rafael only had one choice. 

He had to let it play. 

***

**//Three years previously//**

Rafael woke up with a jerk, his heart mildly pounding in his chest. Glancing at the clock, he groaned and rubbed his face when he saw it was six am. 

What the fuck had gotten him up so early?

As his senses slowly swam back into focus, he realised that it was noise from his kitchen that had caused him to stir. The mild banging of his pots and the clatter of cutlery as someone was clearly making themselves home. 

It was then that another thought came back to him in sharp relief, a memory that squeezed his chest. 

Mike Dodds’ funeral, two days ago. 

Sonny must have been able not to sleep again, so he did the only thing he could, he cooked. 

Rafael usually didn’t complain when he awoke to the smell of frying eggs, irony and metallic against the roof of his mouth, accompanied by the comforting ping of his toaster. 

But not in cases like this. 

Pulling his shirt on, he plodded to his kitchen and came face-to-face with Sonny’s bare back, his forearms firmly planted on his counter. From the tense sculpt of his muscles, Rafael knew that it was the only thing holding him up. 

Before he could even say anything though, Sonny spoke up, “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” 

Rafael didn’t even need to see Sonny’s face to know he had been crying again, the jagged salted edge of his voice was more than enough of an indication.

“Never apologise for that Sonny,” Rafael said quietly as he came up behind his lover, his movements slow and deliberate. Holding his breath, he let it out only when he had wrapped his arms around Sonny’s waist and pressed his face against the back. 

Warm, Sonny was always so warm, his skin smelling of Rafael’s linen sheets. 

“It’s okay to not be Sonny,” Rafael said, rubbing his hands in what he hoped was a comforting manner over Sonny’s belly. In this position he could feel every twitch of the detective’s skin, every shift over each plane of muscle as Sonny breathed and tried to hold it together. 

“I am sorry we couldn’t save him Sonny,” Rafael said. It was a word choice that was so deliberate, neither of them were responsible for Mike’s death, it was part and parcel of being a cop. 

But it implied that them, as a unit, had been inadequate. That they were not alone in their responsibility, not alone in their grief. 

“I don’t know what is the right thing to feel Rafael,” Sonny said in a shaky voice. Rafael shook his head, while still pressed against Sonny so that the younger man could feel the brush of his hair between his shoulder blades. 

“You are allowed to feel everything you are feeling Sonny, there is no right or wrong in this. You are allowed to feel it for as long as you need.” 

Rafael put his hands on Sonny’s shoulders so he could turn him around to face him, so he could cradle his face in his palms, ignoring the tug he felt deep in his stomach at how bloodshot Sonny’s eyes were. 

“You will be okay,” Rafael said softly. And he hoped so hard that Sonny would believe him. 

Sonny nodded as he roughly rubbed at his cheeks with the back of his hand. 

“I am just tired of crying all the time Rafael,” he confessed, his hands sliding to the small of the ADA’s back. Rafael gave an understanding smile. 

“Then why don’t you make breakfast then, I will put the coffee on.” 

Sonny nodded again as he went back to the stove, trying to take comfort in the routine of his motions. Dropping eggs into boiling water and setting the timer, attempting to pull the toast from the oven without burning his fingers and failing miserably. 

Rafael watched all this as he set the table. And he kept watching as Sonny moved around his kitchen like it was his. 

It should be his, Rafael couldn’t stop the thought from crossing his mind. 

Finally Sonny was done and brought the loaded plates to the table as Rafael poured the coffee. But before they could start eating, Sonny dragged his chair closer to Rafael’s so he could put an arm around his shoulder, and nuzzled his nose into the apple of the older man’s cheek. 

“Thank you, love you,” he murmured, the reverberations skipping across Rafael’s skin. 

“Always Sonny,” Rafael replied, putting his hand over Sonny’s to reassure him that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

In that moment, Rafael knew he wanted this every morning for the rest of his life. A want that was nestled in the certainty of what it was he felt for Sonny Carisi.

He wanted to marry him. 

And he told himself he would, one day. 

That snapshot in the kitchen, would always be the moment that Rafael would remember when thinking of their relationship even as it became more faded and dog-eared. 

It didn’t matter that in three months that the cracks would start to show. 

That in six months, they would end up arguing more and making love less. 

That in nine months, they would let themselves fall apart because neither were willing to admit that they were wrong. 

That in a year, they would remember how to be friends again. 

He would always remember that moment. 

Like a flashbang. 

Then silence. 

*** 

“Sorry sir, can I help you?” 

“It’s okay man,” Sonny said, flashing his badge to the security guard who had ambled up to him. “Just waiting for someone, don’t worry about it.” 

Sonny blew out his cheeks as the guard nodded, satisfied at his explanation before heading back to his post. 

He supposed he did look suspicious, loitering in the parking lot of the Hilton as he attempted to keep himself warm by continuously walking back and forth while rubbing his hands together. 

But he knew that this was the best vantage point to see the comings and goings of the hotel. The lobby was simply too crowded, and too public for what Carisi wanted to say. 

Which by the way he was still not sure of. He had thought about it the entire drive up only to come up with a big fat nothing. 

That aside though, Carisi felt his worry grow as the sky grew darker and there was still no sign of Barba. He had to actually actively stop his imagination from going into overdrive as he imagined that Barba was somehow lost, or whether his plans had changed. 

All these thoughts piling in his head, like the tick-tick-tick of a clock. Until Carisi had to take a deep breath to stop them.

Closing his eyes, he looked down at the ground for a minute before looking up. 

And there he was, walking towards him dressed in a puffy blue jacket, as if his thoughts had caused Barba to materialise. And Sonny suddenly felt bolted to the ground, unable to call out to him. 

But lucky for him, Barba had also spotted him, causing him to stare at the detective as if he were an apparition, like he wasn’t real. 

“Carisi?” 

As he heard Barba call his name, it struck Sonny how significant it was what they called each other. 

Carisi, not Sonny. It hadn’t been Sonny for years now. It was almost an instinct on Rafael’s part, because calling him that automatically put a wall between them, separating them. 

And all Sonny wanted to do now was to break that wall down. 

So he did the only thing he could do. 

He purposefully strode over to Rafael, took his face in his hands and before the lawyer could say anything, he kissed him. Like he wanted to that day, under the awning, in full view of everyone. 

The minute their lips touched, Sonny in a flash finally got what it was that Ianto had been trying to tell him. 

Sonny hadn’t realised that for the longest time he had been nursing this incompleteness inside him, a hollow, like something was always missing from his life. He didn’t realise what it was until he kissed Rafael and whatever had been hurting inside him healed. 

Although Barba didn’t protest, it was Sonny that broke the kiss and stepped back, his hands falling down by his sides, his cheeks burning in the cold. 

For a few moments both men just stared at each other, chests heaving as they tried to make sense of what happened. Sonny could see Rafael’s eyes turn forest green in confusion. 

“What was…” 

“Call me Sonny,” the detective blurted out before Rafael could complete his sentence. 

“Call me an idiot.” 

“Call me your boyfriend.” 

“Call me your lover.”

“Just, don’t walk away again. We walked away twice.”

It was like a flood, Sonny could not stop the words from pouring out. 

“The first time was both our faults, we were both too stupid or stubborn to see what we could have been together.

The second time was mine, I was scared about the changes it would bring, when I should have realised that changes were better than having to see you smile at some gorgeous guy whose feelings about you came so much easier.

Don’t walk away this time when I’m here telling you that I love you, I will always love you, and I missed you so fucking much.” 

Sonny finished out of breath, and without thinking reached for Rafael, only to have him jerk backwards as if he had been branded. 

“You are _such_ a glutton for punishment detective,” Rafael shot back, but the cutting remark sounded weak even to his own ears. 

There it was, that spark, that sass, which had drawn Sonny to Rafael in the first place. But Sonny also recognised when he was fronting. 

“I always was when it came to you,” Sonny replied instead, and Barba’s resolve almost broke at the softness of his answer. 

“I am not the same person you knew Carisi,” Rafael said, taking a step back. “The Rafael Barba you loved, the person you think you loved, I don’t think he exists anymore.” 

“Rafi,” Sonny started softly, causing Rafael to stop at the sound of the nickname, so familiar and yet so alien at the same time. 

Rafael called him Carisi to put a hard boundary between them. Sonny called him Rafi to show him that there had never been any distance to begin with. 

“Yes, I was drawn to you because you were so sharp, so brazen, I couldn’t help but be enamoured. And while you think you don’t have that anymore, I know it’s in there. 

But that is not why I loved you Rafi, I love you because at heart…” 

Sonny trailed off as he dared to place a hand on the older man’s chest, so he could feel him, so he could ground him. 

“Because whatever it is, you are at heart, a good man.” 

Sonny took Rafael’s hands into his, anchoring his thumbs in the dip of his palms. 

“And that never changes,” Sonny finished, with so much assurance that it was hard to think otherwise. 

Rafael inhaled sharply but he didn’t pull away. 

“I am too old for you,” he started. Sonny rolled his eyes, the move was so typical Barba, running through every argument he had so that he would have all the answers. 

“Between the two of us who has more grey hair now?” Sonny said with a smirk. 

“You love kids Carisi, you are good with them, I’m not. You could have a proper family…” 

“I also have a never ending number of nieces, nephews and god kids and who is to say that I can’t talk you into it eventually,” Sonny replied, only half serious. 

“Are you finally out of arguments Counselor? I swear Rafi you are such a lawyer.” 

Rafael took a deep breath as he pulled out his trump card. 

“I am damaged,” he said under his breath. But his voice didn’t sound ashamed or small, it sounded defiant, as if challenging Sonny to love him despite it all. 

And wasn’t that so him? 

Sonny felt his heart stutter as he gripped Rafael’s hands tighter. 

“I am too,” Sonny admitted softly. 

“We all are, we are all incomplete pieces, but that doesn’t change the fact that you will always make me happy,” Sonny said, stepping closer so that he could kiss Rafael on the forehead. 

“Even when I piss you off?” 

Sonny chuckled. “Especially when you piss me off.” 

Putting his hand underneath Rafael’s chin, Sonny tipped his face upward so he could look straight into his eyes. 

“Any more arguments?” 

Rafael wanted to say more, he opened his mouth as if to say more. But he was struck by the realisation that maybe none of that never really mattered. 

That maybe it was time to stop running.

“I love you too Sonny,” Rafael finally admitted, his green eyes soft with a look that Sonny hadn’t realised he had missed until now. “I don’t think I ever stopped.” 

Sonny’s smile, it was pure liquid sunshine. 

That smile, Barba swore that he would do anything in his power to protect it. 

And that maybe one day he would be brave enough to tell him. 

“Look, I know that me being here doesn’t fix everything, and that we have so much to really sort out but…” Sonny stopped when Rafael put his hand on cheek, and it came to him that this was the first time the older man had really touched him of his own accord. 

“But it’s a start?” Rafael finished. 

“Yeah, it is,” Sonny responded, his blue eyes looking even more like the Pacific. He leaned in for another kiss, this time much deeper, sliding his hands around Barba’s waist as he felt the older man start to kiss him back. 

They only broke apart when they heard a discreet cough. They both turned at the sound and Carisi saw that it came from the guard he had spoken to earlier, who had a semi-embarrassed smile on his face.

“We better go inside before we arrested for indecency or something dumb like that. I have a room, and we can talk more,” Rafel said, finally stepping back. 

“Sure,” Sonny responded, turning only briefly to make sure that his car was locked. As he followed Rafael into the hotel, he noticed something that made his head jerk to one side. 

“Hey, is that my scarf?” 

Rafael stiffened, but when he half-turned to Sonny his face was impressively blank. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” he said archly, before turning away so he could head into the lobby. 

But he smiled to himself as he heard Sonny’s rich laugh echo in the small space, as a feeling came to him that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

The feeling of Sonny right behind him.


	7. ~Chapter VII~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, the last of the chaptered parts. The only thing left after this is the epilogue, and because I want that up before the newest episode of the show goes live, that will be up in a couple of hours (is polishing it as we speak). 
> 
> I have a lot to say but I will save that for after the epilogue. But thank you as always for reading, and on a side note, did anyone else just melt at the pictures of Carisi in the courtroom? I tell you, I could not feel more like a proud parent for some reason XD 
> 
> Comments/kudos are love.

***

_Even if your feelings go away in the future,_  
_I’ll definitely keep loving you_  
_Even if you can’t see me in the future,_  
_I’ll definitely keep loving you._

*** 

For a man who planned as far ahead as he did, it surprised Barba that he didn’t realise the potentially awkward situation he was putting himself in until he tapped his card key on his hotel room door. 

Him and Sonny, alone in a room, for the first time in years. 

Maybe this was not the right place for this, Barba thought. Maybe the two of them should go down to the bar, have drinks and then dinner. They could still talk with other people around them. 

“Hey…” Barba turned around to suggest just that when Carisi caught him by his belt loops. Tugging him closer so he could kiss him again, this time with just a bare trace more confidence, as evidenced by the quicksilver flick of his tongue against Rafael’s bottom lip. 

“Did you want to say something?” Sonny murmured, more than a little breathless when they broke apart. Barba shook his head. 

“Nothing.” 

Sonny’s dimples deepened as he reached for Rafael to pull him closer only to have him retreat a little. 

“I need to shower, been out for most of the day and I must look a mess,” Rafael said firmly pushing Sonny away.

Resisting the urge to tell him that he looked absolutely fine, Sonny simply acquiesced with a nod, stuffing his hands in the back pockets of his jeans for lack of a better option. 

“You make yourself at home Sonny, make yourself a drink from the bar if you like,” Rafael said, shucking off his coat and tossing it over a chair as he headed to the bathroom. 

He had one foot inside before sticking his head out again so he could add pointedly, “But if you are thinking of emptying the whole thing, you are paying for it. I’m unemployed after all.”

Sonny gave a snort of laughter as Barba closed the door. An unemployed man who still booked a suite at a four-star hotel. 

He forgoed fixing a drink however, still feeling a bit nervy and knowing that alcohol probably wouldn’t have helped with that. Instead he just took a look around the room as he wondered where to sit. 

The bed would seem overly familiar, sitting at the grand chestnut desk would be too formal. The couch seemed inviting, but Sonny feared that he might fall asleep if he got too comfortable. 

So he settled for one of the armchairs that was closest to the window and just by the king-sized bed. Putting his feet up on the ottoman, he stared out at the woods beyond the concrete crest of the hotel and took in how the pale evening darkness lacquered the still mostly bare tree trunks. 

With his insane schedule, Sonny didn’t have much spare time to indulge himself to travel beyond Staten Island. But he could instantly see why Barba had chosen to head up here. 

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realise that Rafael had come back in, dressed in the hotel’s fluffy white robe, drying his hair with a towel. Sonny could not help but smile though at the sight of the formerly stern ADA looking soft and ruffled, steam coming off his golden skin, smelling wonderfully of clary sage and pine. 

“I don’t I ever told you before, but I really like the beard. It looks good on you.” Sonny didn’t think he had it in him to sound shy, but then Rafael always did have that effect on him, to make him feel a way that he never really felt before with anyone. 

He supposed that while they had always been okay with the ‘friends’ part of their relationship, rediscovering each other as lovers was a whole other ball game, with a specific set of rules he still wasn’t sure about yet. 

“Really?” Barba said sceptically, running the back of his hand across his chin as he sat down at the edge of the bed. “You sure it doesn’t make me look like some kind of homeless hobo?” 

“No, no of course not, it makes you look…” Sonny trailed off as he wracked his brain for an appropriate word to use, trying his hardest to come up with something elegant or suave. But in the end, he settled on the one that was closest to what he was actually feeling. 

“Hot.” 

Barba felt his ego bloom a little at the compliment. 

He had been complimented before of course, by dozens of other lovers who were never stingy with their flattery as they tried to get under his suits. Jack for instance was never shy about telling Rafeal about how sexy he was, how his deep voice and gorgeously thick body drove him to distraction. 

But none of them came close to how Sonny made him feel when he showered him with similar endearments, whose admiration was so earnest and naked. Saying the words like the reverse could never be true. 

“I have to ask though, how did you find me?” Rafael asked, pushing aside the warm feeling in his chest as he attempted to get a handle on it by indulging an earlier curiosity. 

Sonny immediately looked a little shifty as his eyes became evasive, darting around the room. 

“I dropped by your apartment, and ran into Jack and Ianto.” 

Sonny put his hands up when he saw Barba open his mouth so he could stop him before he got the wrong idea. 

“Before you blame them and kick them out of your place or something, they didn’t automatically tell me where you were. I had to use my best interrogation techniques, but I got it out of them eventually,” Sonny said loftily. 

It was such a blatant cover-up that all Barba could do was laugh. He figured it would be something like that, but he found he couldn’t be angry with the two of them despite them flagrantly disregarding his request to tell no one. 

How could he be when the outcome was so positive.

“I was right though,” Sonny said, moving his chair so he could face the older man better. “Ianto is a good guy.” 

Barba smiled in agreement. 

“He is. Jack is too you know, he was always looking out for me and did his best to take care of me when I was so homesick. He is a fixed point in time and space that one,” Barba mused, as always wanting to be fair. 

Sonny shot him a raised eyebrow. 

“Sure, I will take your word for it,” he responded, trying his hardest to not roll his eyes or sound incredulous. But Barba couldn’t be mad at Sonny for his honesty. 

“But Sonny, why did you suddenly come to my apartment?” Barba hugged a pillow as he gave Sonny a look. He watched as Sonny’s body language shifted again, but this time the mood was entirely more serious as the detective took a deep breath. 

“I heard Ellis tell Liv that you were leaving again, that you wouldn’t be staying in New York that much longer.” 

Sonny leaned forward when he saw Barba stiffen. He wanted to go closer, to reassure him that he wasn’t accusing him, but he still wasn’t sure whether he had the right to. 

“Were you? Were you going to leave again Rafi?” Sonny asked softly, sadly. 

“Sonny.” Rafael sighed, and Sonny could hear the slight exasperation that cropped up when the lawyer thought he was being backed into a corner. 

“Look, I am not so big headed that I think you are leaving or would stay because of me or whatever. But… I mean, there is your mum, there is the Lieu. Surely they are enough of a reason?” 

“It is not that Sonny,” Rafael said, picking at the waffle fabric of the robe as he tried to put together an answer that was the closest to the truth. 

“Working for the Emirati, it opened up the world to me. I have lived in the US my entire life, and now here is my chance to live somewhere else with a clean slate, where I can still help people. I won’t deny that it was tempting. 

Like I told Liv, New York doesn’t need another lawyer, especially not a washed up former ADA.” 

“Hey.” 

Before he could blink, Sonny was by Rafael’s feet, looking up at him with something akin to anger in his eyes, but not towards him. 

“Never say that. You did so much good, you helped so many people, and you did it your own way. Fuck what people say, there are still so many in New York who need an advocate like you.” 

Sonny leaned back on his heels, shuffling his knees so he was pressed right up against the bed. He took Rafael’s hand in his so he could gently run his lips over the turn of his knuckles. 

“And you still have so much that you can give to people. Hell, there is so much you can teach me still,” Sonny said, gifting Barba with another one of his broad smiles. 

“But…” 

Barba looked up at Sonny’s apparent hesitation. Only to find that there was no fear at all in those blue eyes. 

“If you need to see the world because you think there is more you can do, then I am not going to stop you. I will never stop you from doing what you think you are meant to.” 

Rafael’s heart beat a little faster when Sonny placed his hands on either side of his hips on the bed. 

“But whatever you decide to do, I will be waiting for you, right here,” Sonny indicated with a gesture of head. “Shit, if I can get enough money, maybe I will even follow right along.” 

It was a promise dressed up in an offer, with none of the earlier indecisiveness that had made Barba put a question mark over Carisi’s intentions. 

“Don’t be absurd Sonny, surely you aren’t going to wait for me if I go away for like a year or more,” Barba said shortly, his deeply-seated cynicism rearing its head. 

Sonny shook his head as if Barba couldn’t be more wrong. 

“Not your call Rafi,” he smirked. “You don’t get to dictate how I feel about you. But what I will tell you is that I am not afraid, not anymore.” 

Sonny took Rafael’s face in his hands so he could drop a soft kiss to the bridge of his nose. 

“Plus, I figured it wouldn’t be a bad thing to give you another reason to come back,” Sonny finished quietly. The way he said those words were too casual, almost flippant, which Sonny hoped could hide the vulnerability he was feeling. 

Barba saw through it, as he always did. 

So he did the only thing he could do. He kissed Sonny full on the mouth, and Sonny felt the answer come like a kick in the chest. When they parted, Rafael had a small smile on his face, which sharpened when a thought suddenly came to him. 

“I never remembered you being this romantic before detective, even when we were dating,” Barba said wryly, unable to help himself from landing one little barb. 

Sonny shrugged, but he could not quite hide the laughter in his eyes. 

“What do you mean Rafi? I’m a regular Hallmark movie,” Sonny said with a grin. He fell silent for a moment as he took a long hard look at the older man, as if trying to memorise his features, before taking a glance outside. 

“I better get going before it gets too late. Don’t really want to drive in the dark.” 

Of course Sonny didn’t want to go, every part of him wanted to remain right here with Rafael. But he didn’t want to be presumptuous either and make Rafael feel like he had to let him be here. 

If Rafael was surprised by his announcement that he would leave, he definitely didn’t show it. 

But as Sonny stood up, he was stopped when Rafael suddenly caught him by the long sleeve of his dark blue shirt. 

“Did you only come because you thought I was leaving?” 

Barba asked this loaded question with his eyes downcast, and Sonny got that sometimes it was easier to ask things when they were being said into the air. 

“I came because I didn’t think I could take losing you again.” 

A muted breath, a pause. 

“Do you think we can make it this time?” 

“I won’t say yes because I don’t know whoever it is that is writing our life story has planned for us. But I know that for me, I am meant to be by your side.” 

Sonny felt the grip on his shirt tighten, and when he looked down, Barba was looking directly at him with those shapeshifting eyes. 

“Stay,” Barba said, his eyes almost blue. The heft behind that word was almost too much for Sonny to bear, waiting as he had been for the longest time for Rafael to say it. 

The minute he did, Sonny felt the knot in his chest ease and open up so he could take a full breath again. 

“Sure, but only if you order room service, because I am starving,” Sonny said, dropping his lanky limbs on the bed next to Barba. Sitting close enough so that their knees were touching. 

“Only if you finally tell me what’s been going on with you the past couple of years. Don’t think I didn’t notice you dodging the question that night at Liv’s party.” 

Rafael dropped this little observation as he reached for the menu on his night table. Before flipping it open though, he turned to Carisi with an arched eyebrow. 

“You are paying for this right? Remember I am unemployed.” 

Rafael laughed as Sonny made an indignant sound before snatching the menu away from him. 

***

“Mr Ellis will be right with you Mr Barba.” 

Rafael nodded politely as Bayard’s secretary showed him into his office, taking a seat behind the imposing walnut desk at its centre. Pulling his phone out of his pocket to check his messages, Barba happened to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror mounted near the door, no doubt for Ellis to check his appearance before heading to court, and was startled when he realised that he almost didn’t recognise himself. 

It had been a while since he had dressed up in a full three piece suit after all. 

Putting on one used to be a ritual he did to calm himself five minutes before starting a trial, the steps precise and methodical, starting with him fastening the top button of his shirt, before tightening his tie, doing up his waistcoat and finally putting on his suit jacket with pocket square firmly in place. 

He was glad to see though that his suits did still fit. The biggest difference now was his beard, which he kept ever since Sonny told him he liked it when he showed up at his hotel a month ago. 

It was okay, he liked the beard too, peppered with silver but more neatly trimmed now. Sonny seemed to like it, given his habit of burying his nose into it whenever he could. 

“Rafael! It is nice to see you here,” Bayard announced in his booming voice as he came into the room, motioning for Barba to remain seated as he attempted to get to his feet. 

“Although, since all the paperwork has gone through, you don’t really need to sit and talk to me,” Bayard said as he sat behind his desk. “You are already on our Project Innocence panel without question.” 

“That is nice of you Ellis, but I thought I wanted to make sure with you about the remit of my work. So I can get a better idea.” 

“Of course, of course. Well I have one case coming up where I think you will be valuable on,” Bayard pulled his notepad closer so he could scribble some points down. 

“Although I am glad you decided to stay in New York, it must have been hard to give up the chance to go all over the world,” Bayard asked almost gingerly, using typical lawyer-speak to mask his curiosity. 

But Barba being Barba, he wouldn’t be so easily baited. 

“Well not really. My old boss still keeps me on retainer and it looks like I will be flying almost every month to oversee matters related to his NGO. It will be that way until the next World Cup for sure.” 

“Saying that…”

“Saying that?” Bayard echoed while holding Rafael’s gaze steady. 

“There is still a lot for me to do here too. It appears it’s not so easy to leave New York,” Rafael said, looking behind Bayard’s shoulder and out into the city that was attempting to wind itself down for the day. 

“Can’t argue there Rafael,” Bayard said, getting up to shake Barba’s hand. “Will be in touch.” 

Walking back home amongst the jostling, sometimes hostile New York populace, Barba knew he had made the right decision when he decided to stay. He wouldn’t lie though and say he didn’t feel some twinge of regret at all the offers he had to turn down, the very human part of him lamenting at all the money he was giving up. 

But the silver lining was that the Emirati had been so pleased that he was keeping Barba’s expertise all to himself that he was being more than handsomely compensated. A number that was impressive enough that Sonny joked about quitting the force to be a kept man. 

Rafael started when he felt his pocket start to vibrate and paused mid-step to reach for his phone, only to smile broadly when he saw who was calling. 

“Speak of the devil…” 

“Hey Rafi, just wanted to ask if you could start dinner today. I know it’s my turn but Amanda asked me to help out with Jesse and Billie today and I couldn’t say no…” 

Rafael answered with a long affected sigh, but Carisi knew well enough when his lover was being theatrical. 

“Fine but that means you cook for the next two nights, agreed?” Rafael said, always the negotiator, always trying to get the best deal. 

“Sure, sure,” Carisi chuckled. “But dealer’s choice on what it is then, ya?” Sonny’s accent always became more pronounced when he was being playful. 

Rafael shook his head as he hung up. It was the undeniable story of their relationship that everything would end up being a negotiation. Dinner, whose place they would stay at, who topped that day. 

It had been that way when they first started going out, but the difference this time was that Rafael wasn’t always trying his hardest to win, and when he did lose, he didn’t take it to heart as much. 

It was also why he didn’t resent Sonny spending time with Amanda as much as he used to, which Barba now could admit to himself was one of the main wedges that drove them apart. 

Rafael knew he would have to make peace with the fact that Amanda would own a part of Carisi that he never would. 

The part of him that wondered what could have been if his choices had been more traditional. 

He understood it even if he didn’t always like how she tended to use him as an emotional punching bag cum therapist. 

Not that he was going to step aside or anything like that. He was understanding, not stupid. 

It was okay though. On Carisi’s side he would have to deal with the guilt of stopping Rafael from saving the world. His words not Barba’s. 

“Because if you had gone out, who knows who you might have met, or life you could have potentially changed. Or maybe someone who could have changed your life,” Carisi said, uttering these hypothetical scenarios to Rafael one evening over liquored up coffee. 

Rafael didn’t know why Carisi had suddenly been talking about ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could have beens’, imagining a future coloured with lives he might have saved, or people he might have fallen in love with, who could have been better suited for him. 

All lies. Rafael knew that nobody would be better for him than Carisi, with his complicated heart and straightforward feelings, a juxtaposition that Rafael would always treasure. 

First things first though, dinner. It was Rafael’s only thought when he reached home, as he hung up his coat, rolled up his sleeves and opened the fridge to see what was in it. The one upside to not having a steady 9-to-5 was that he got a chance to try out other things, and soon found out that he was actually a pretty good cook. 

Which came as a surprise to both him and Carisi to be frank. His methodical nature and quick wit came in surprisingly handy in the kitchen when he didn’t always have a recipe to follow. 

So when Carisi came home a couple hours later, it was to a simple roasted chicken salad, but one clearly influenced by his time away, flavoured with sugared fennel and almonds, topped with pomegranate seeds sparkling like rubies amongst the greens. 

“I never thought that combination would work quite frankly though Rafi, but it turned out pretty okay,” Carisi commented after dinner. 

“Coming from you, I will take that as a compliment,” Rafael responded, running his hand through Sonny’s unstyled hair. The detective had taken a shower, and was now on the couch with Rafael in his boxers and t-shirt with Netflix playing in the background. 

Rafael was still in his shirt and trousers from earlier in the day, but with both his top buttons undone. 

But as his usual custom, Carisi was lying with his head on Rafael’s lap, facing up so he could look up at his lover from below. Rafael had no clue how this became his favourite position, but it was probably born out of the nights where Carisi came home so tired that sitting upright took Herculean effort. 

Rafael wasn’t complaining though, from his position he had the freedom to trace Sonny’s features with his fingertips, running his thumbs over his cheekbones and the slope of his nose, committing them to physical memory. 

That is why he was able to notice even the smallest changes in Sonny’s expression. 

“Hey Rafi…” 

“Yeah Sonny?” Rafael responded as Carisi played and intertwined their fingers on the older man’s right hand, while his left was making a basketweave with Sonny’s rapidly silvering hair. 

“I think I might try my hand at applying to be an ADA. With Stone leaving and all… I broached the idea with Olivia a few days ago and she said she would see how to get in contact with McCoy about it.” 

“You should Sonny, I always told you that you should. I think you would be good at it. What is stopping you?” 

“I don’t know,” Sonny shrugged as he turned on his side so he was staring directly at Rafael’s knee. “Fear, Mike’s death, the feeling that I still had so much to learn on the squad.” 

Sonny turned back so he was facing Rafael again, and the older man felt his heart ache a bit at how young and uncertain he looked at that moment. 

“And I always felt like I needed your permission somehow too,” Sonny said quietly. 

“Never Sonny, you never needed it,” Rafel answered immediately. “But it’s yours if you want it.” He saw Sonny’s body relax at his reply, as if his reassurance had run a balm over every ache and worry he had been holding onto before. 

Pulling Sonny up, Rafael kissed him long and sweet. 

“Good luck.” 

“Thanks,” Sonny moved his lips against Rafael before kissing him back. It didn’t take much for Sonny to make the kiss more intense, opening Rafael’s mouth with a nip to his bottom lip so he could brush his tongue against the roof of his mouth, filling his nose with a trace of herbal sweetness from earlier. 

Sonny gasped when Rafael suddenly sucked the tip of his tongue. He felt himself harden in his boxers when Rafael slipped his hands under his t-shirt, his knuckles grazing his skin.

Pulling back Sonny gave Rafael a questioning look. Although they had officially been back together for a month, they hadn’t gone much further than kissing, even if their makeout sessions did tend to last hours. 

Sonny was fully prepared to stop if Barba wanted, because as he had told Rafael earlier, he wanted to do it right this time. The physical side of their relationship had always come easy, but it was not what he wanted now. 

Even if, _God_ he wanted nothing more than to fuck Barba hard into his couch, suck his cock and swallow his cum, or rim him until he dripped. A multitude of filthy thoughts crossed his mind as Rafael pressed his thumbs into the sensitive small of his back, and Sonny wanted to offer it all. 

“You sure?” Sonny murmured, and felt his heart lift when Barba shot him a look that told him that he was clearly a dumbass.

Sonny was just about to ask again, when Rafael pulled him close so he could whisper into his ear.

“Fuck me tonight Sonny.”

Sonny felt his cock twitch at how uncharacteristically breathy Rafael sounded. 

“Take me to bed and fuck me… fuck me until I can’t remember my name.” 

It was an invitation that sounded more like a dare. Like everything Barba did, it was a challenge to rise to the occasion. Being with Rafael meant that it would never entirely be easy. 

But then, Sonny rationalised, when did anything good in life come easy? 

“Sonny…” 

And suddenly Rafael’s hands were in front of his boxers, squeezing his cock through the fabric. Electricity sizzled through his skin at the feeling of such large hands on his prick, rubbing and tugging him in a way that he hadn’t felt in months. 

“Don’t think too much Sonny, it isn’t that hard. Well..” 

Sonny laughed as Rafael cocked his head to the side in smug satisfaction at his unintended sexual entendre. But that laugh become a low groan as Rafael pulled his hand back so he could wet his fingers, softly sucking on them while never breaking eye contact. 

Suddenly Rafael’s hand was back on Sonny’s cock, the touch feather light at first before becoming progressively firmly until he was jerking him off in slow, even strokes. 

“Pretty hard I would say,” Rafael quipped, even though Sonny could see how the heavy flag of his cock was putting a strain on the seam of his trousers. 

“Very funny Rafi, ever thought about being a comedian?” 

“No, but I’m gonna leave you if you don’t get on with it,” Rafael said almost petulantly. “I missed your cock inside me, big and thick and stretching me out.” 

Rafael accompanied his words with a low hum of pleasure that made Sonny leak ever more. He needed to get the edge off, otherwise it would be over too soon. Plus, there was one more thing he had been aching to do ever since they had resumed their relationship.

“Still so demanding aren’t you Rafael?” 

Sonny undid the buttons of Rafael’s shirt with deft fingers, revealing his bronze skin inch by inch, from the slender jut of his collarbone to the sold broadness of his chest. He could not help but follow Rafael’s dark trail of hair with his lips down south, tickling his nose, smelling pleasantly of musk and the menthol from his cologne. 

Sonny felt rather than heard Rafael’s groans that become more defined as he undid his fly, and pulled out his rapidly stiffening prick. He had to stop himself from drooling, licking his lips as he nuzzled the shaft and felt a wetness against his temple. 

“Is it so wrong that I missed your cock?” Sonny all but sighed, lust thickening his voice. 

“As long as it wasn’t all that you missed,” Rafael said sultrily as Sonny gave a quick kiss to the tip, before rubbing the head over his bottom lip. Rafael nudged his hips forward in a silent request to be taken deeper. 

Sonny certainly didn’t need any additional urging, opening his mouth as Rafael slid easily between his lips. Sonny’s eyes closed as he took in the bitter taste and the heft of Rafeal’s erection on his tongue, pressing tight against his soft palate. 

Rafael held his breath only to let it out in a whoosh when Sonny slowly pulled back, his lips tight against the hard velvety surface. Barba found it hard to keep his eyes open as Sonny slid back and forth on his cock, his tongue pressed against the prominent vein underneath, sloppy and wet. 

“Oh yeah, you did miss it didn’t you?” Rafael said throatily, fighting his urge to pull Sonny’s head down. He really didn’t need to as Sonny seemed intent on getting him as far down his throat as he could. 

It wasn’t some kind of lust hazed endearment Sonny had been feeding him earlier when he told Rafael that he had missed his cock. He always thought it had been perfect for his mouth, big enough to fill it completely, but not so much that he couldn’t deep throat it. 

“Fuck!” 

The swear came when Rafael felt the head of his erection hit the back of Sonny’s throat. Sonny’s eyes went so dark at Rafael’s reaction that the colour was almost sapphire. 

Sonny always had loved sucking cock as much as he loved fucking. Got off on it almost as hard, especially when it jumped and leaked in his mouth. Almost. 

He finally touched himself through his boxers and groaned at how hard he was, how sticky he was in his boxers. While keeping one hand on his cock, he jerked himself as he moved his head faster, his thumb from his free hand firmly rubbing the sensitive area from behind Rafael’s balls to his asshole. 

“Sonny...Sonny….”

Rafael writhed against the couch as he felt Sonny speed up his sucking, making his cock twitch and finally spill down his throat, his skin flushing dark red. It was probably one of the sexiest things he had ever seen, but Sonny found he couldn’t really appreciate it given how close he was to his own end. 

“Rafi...I need you to..” 

Sonny didn’t need to say anymore as Rafael sat up so he could roughly kiss him, nearly biting his tongue as he ground the heel of his hand against the younger man’s clothed dick. That was all Sonny needed, and suddenly he was coming in his boxers, dampening his crotch as spunk trickled down his thigh. 

“Oh fuck _yes_ Rafael,” Sonny breathed into the crook of his lover’s neck, those large hands holding him steady as his body jerked in aftershocks at the intensity of it all. 

When his heart finally slowed down, Sonny lifted his head to find Rafael staring at him with a look that made his chest tighten. Even when they had first been going out, Sonny had always been weighed down by the feeling that Barba had always been holding himself back, maybe out of fear or self preservation. 

But now, Rafael felt no need to filter himself, and he was gazing at Sonny in a way that he always wanted to be looked it. 

With naked, deep affection. 

“Tired?” Rafael finally murmured. Sonny shook his head. 

“Not even close,” he grinned, a raspy edge to his voice. “Besides, I haven’t fucked you yet, and I will be damned if I have to wait until tomorrow.” Sonny took some wicked pleasure in how Rafael’s eyes turned deep green brown at his words. 

“I am not young anymore Sonny,” Rafael replied, with just a little bite of admonishment at the end. But Sonny could already feel the older man’s blood start to heat back up under his skin. 

“Fine, I can wait 20 minutes,” Sonny smirked, only to wince when Rafael punched him in the shoulder. 

“Okay, okay, let’s clean up first and then get into bed. We can do other things first,” Sonny said suggestively, his fingers dipping into the cleft of Rafael’s ass. Ignoring the weakness in his knees, Sonny got to his feet, pulling Rafael up as well in the process before nudging him towards the bathroom. Along the way, he stripped off his now stained boxers and tossed it into the laundry basket along the way. 

In the end by the time the both of them had showered separately and were sprawled naked in Rafael’s bed, a solid hour had past. Both feeling warm and comfortable, tangled as they were in Barba’s ludicrously high thread count sheets. 

But there was still an undercurrent of lust, kept alive by them constantly needing to touch each other, whether it was skin on skin, or deep kisses that they both felt in their bones. 

Sonny’s hands, which had started at the wide slope of Rafael’s shoulders, slowly but surely travelled south until he was cupping his lover’s absolutely gorgeously full ass in his hands. 

“God I want to fuck, I want to fuck you,” Sonny said almost mindlessly as their gradually hardening cocks brushed together. Flipping over to Rafael’s bed side, he rummaged through the drawer until he found a brand new pump bottle of lube. 

Holding it up, he gave Rafael a knowing look. Barba had the decency to flush a little at the insinuation, but the haughty expression on his face never faltered. 

“Always good to be prepared,” he said evenly. Sonny was about to say something smart, until Rafael opening his legs as wide as he could, stopped him. His throat went dry as Rafael dropped a hand to his back entrance so he could slip a dry fingertip inside himself.

“Don’t just watch Sonny,” Rafael smirked, the earlier laziness after their first bout of pleasure completely gone. Swallowing hard, Sonny quickly lubed up three fingers before lying down next to Rafael. 

He slowly traced a sticky, shiny path over Rafael’s thighs until he reached his hole. Sonny growled deep in his throat as he screwed one finger in at how tight the other man was, telling him that it had been a while since he had done this. 

As quickly as he dared, he added another finger, crooking them as he searched or Rafael’s prostate. He watched in Rafael’s body writhe and twist in absolute pleasure as he pressed against the smooth swell inside his lover, easing back for only a split second before pressing forward again. 

Rafael raked his fingers against the bedspread every time the pleasure became too intense, until he felt his dick drool a wet spot on his belly as Sonny scissored his fingers to open him up. 

“Sonny, Sonny stop... not yet,” Rafael put a hand on the younger man’s wrist to stop him, surprising him.

“What do you mean not yet Rafi?” Sonny said, slipping his fingers out but still circling the rim of Rafael’s hole. Once he got his breath and some of his sanity back, Rafael shot him a half-smirk.

“There was something I missed doing too Sonny. Lie back.” 

Sonny obediently followed Rafael’s instructions, propping himself up against the pillows. He inhaled sharply when Rafael pulled his legs apart and settled between them.

At first he thought that Rafael was going to blow him, given that he was rubbing his lips against his now sticky shaft. But he realised he was completely wrong when after a few perfunctory sucks to the head of his cock, Rafael went further down and parted the cheeks of his ass. 

“Oh...oh!” Sonny jerked when he felt Rafael’s tongue at his asshole. Tentative, almost shy licks at first, but soon Rafael broadened his tongue so he could rim him properly, saliva trickling onto the expensive sheets. 

“ _Yes_ ,” Sonny hissed between his teeth as he felt the rough brush of Rafael’s beard between his legs, sensitising the skin of his inner thighs, and entirely new sensation that he knew he could get addicted to. 

“Oh yeah Rafael, eat me out. Nobody does it as well as you.” Sonny was babbling now, his hands buried in Rafael’s mussed hair. He damn near arched off the bed when he felt Rafael’s tongue stiffen and force its way inside. 

Desire permeated every inch of his skin, turning his senses up high so that everything felt more pronounced. He could practically feel the calluses on Rafael’s hands, born from years of writing his arguments longhand on yellow legal notepads, flat against his stomach, pressing him down so he could suck his balls.

“Enough Rafael,” Sonny growled, only tugging hard on Rafael’s hair when he didn’t stop. When Rafael looked finally looked up at Sonny with an unbearably smug smile, his lips wet and shiny, all he wanted to do was fuck that expression right off his face. 

Sonny yanked Rafael close for a hard kiss that bordered on painful, before flipping him so that he was the one against the pillows. Reaching for the strip of condoms in the same drawer, he tore one off with his teeth, drizzling lube all over his aching dick before rolling on the rubber. 

Propping his weight up on one hand, Sonny guided his cock into Rafael’s waiting hole, closing his eyes when he felt it flutter as he slid halfway in. He paused just a second to let himself get used to the tightness and heat, pulling back just slightly before his cock slipped back in smoothly to the hilt, his pelvic bone firmly pressed against the curve of Rafael’s ass. 

Rafael’s breathing hitched as Sonny thrust back in, a little harder this time. Slow at first, but gradually picking up speed until all he could hear was the slap, slap of Sonny’s lower stomach against his thighs. 

“So good Sonny…”

Soon Rafael’s moans turned rough and sweet, as did his praise, which told Sonny just how good he was fucking him. By this point, Sonny was so wrecked by bliss and ecstasy that he could barely see straight. 

When it got too intense, Sonny found he had to pull back otherwise it would have been too much. 

“No Sonny, don’t pull it out,” Barba growled hoarsely, but he couldn’t quite stop the pleading note at the end. “Don’t pull...oh!” Rafael threw his head back when Sonny slid back in fully, his thick prick stretching him at just the knife edge of pain and pleasure. 

Rafael felt too good, hot and slick, even through the condom and Sonny knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. He fucked him as hard as he could as they both chased their orgasm, Rafael’s head almost hitting his headboard. 

Sonny reached for Rafael’s cock to help him along, stroking him in time with his thrusts as he dug his knees into the mattress for purchase. It didn’t take much more for the tension in Sonny’s body to snap, his climax ripping through him as hips stuttered and he filled the rubber. 

Desperate to finish, Rafael hooked his leg around Sonny’s thigh as he arched his body up, to rub his dick against Sonny’s stomach. He felt his lover keep stroking him until he too tipped over, spilling hot and thick between Sonny’s fingers. 

For a few minutes the only sound in the room was their collective breathing, their wet exhales becoming drier as they got more air back into their lungs. 

With almost supreme effort, Sonny pulled out slowly so as to not hurt his lover before flopping bonelessly next to him. But a part of Rafael could not help but be pleased at the fact that Sonny was still holding his hand, his fingers loose in the grasp of his palms. 

As his vision cleared, Barba felt a titter of panic pass through him as he wondered whether he should say something. He was always bad at pillow talk, inadequate even, and was internally tossing and turning until Sonny suddenly spoke up. 

“Damn.” 

It was just one word, and not really the most original of words. But it was said in a way that was just _so_ Sonny Carisi. And just like that all the tension in the room dissolved and Rafael let himself laugh, bubbling up from deep in his belly. 

“You always did have a way with words detective,” Rafael said a touch snarkily. But instead of answering or fighting back, Sonny just chose to roll over and kiss him, as if he knew that was the only way to really shut him up. 

And it worked, for the most part. 

“Damn indeed,” Rafael echoed the sentiment back to Sonny who just couldn’t seem to stop smiling. 

For the younger man, it would have been too easy to chalk up what he was feeling at the moment to simple sexual satisfaction. But Sonny knew himself better than that, knew that it had nothing to do with the mind blowing orgasm he had just had, and everything to do with the man lying next to him. 

“Welcome home Rafael Barba,” he said softly, following it up with another kiss, that this time was infinitely much sweeter. 

It was strange to Barba how different those words sounded coming from Sonny’s mouth than when Olivia had said the same thing to him a few weeks previously. But he knew that was because he knew Sonny wasn’t just talking about New York. 

And unlike the first time, Barba didn’t hold an urge to be somewhere else. 

“Better clean up then,” Rafael said, looking away and hoping that Sonny couldn’t hear how his vowels had suddenly thickened. Which of course he did, but Sonny knew well enough to say nothing. 

Instead he just nodded and watched Rafael slide out of bed to try and find where he had put his clothes. As he watched the older man move in and out of the shadows in the room, Sonny suddenly recalled what it was that Ianto had said to him before, that Rafael would always want to fight for someone like him. 

But then not everyone was like Sonny. Some people were probably more like Rafael, who was so many things, whose principles were clear cut, but also had an element of moral ambiguity. Who understood that doing things the right way sometimes meant doing things the hard way. 

They deserved someone to stand up for them as well. 

And it was in that moment, in that split second that Sonny made up his mind. 

He made up his mind that he would fight for people like that too.


	8. ~Epilogue~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end...

*** 

Ianto heard the ping of Jack’s phone as they were having breakfast.

And immediately felt a spark of irritation flare inside him. 

Despite having extensively travelled the world for the better part of the past year, which meant waking up to a different landscape every time you looked out the window, for the homebody in Ianto, nothing really beat quiet Sunday mornings at home back in Cardiff. 

Where there was no pressure to be anywhere or do anything. Where the biggest worry was Jack attempting to make Welsh Rarebit, and having it turn out closer to an American grilled cheese sandwich, because he had committed the cardinal sin of leaving out the Worcestershire sauce. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Jack apologised as Ianto glared at him over the top of his newspaper. 

But as Jack read his message, Ianto found his curiosity piqued at the obvious change in the captain’s body language. His broad frame suddenly became tense, reverberating like a guitar string. 

Simply put he acted like a schoolboy discovering his first booby magazine. 

“Fancy a trip to New York next year?” Jack said casually, which might have worked if Ianto hadn’t seen it from a mile away. 

“For Sonny and Rafael’s wedding? I know,” Ianto nonchalantly as he kept reading the paper, even as he secretly watched Jack’s jaw drop out of the corner of his eyes. 

“You lie Ianto,” Jack responded, his gaze narrowing. His lover raised an eyebrow and shot him a smirk that held the curve of a secret in its corners. 

“Who do you think helped Sonny with the ring?” 

The look of absolute surprise on Jack’s face was priceless. 

Sonny had actually called Ianto a few months ago ranting and raving that he couldn’t find the right engagement ring for Rafael. That he actually hated all the jewellers in New York. 

“I swear Ianto, you’d think that no one in New York has any taste. The rings were all so garish, or ugly, or so expensive that I might as well buy Rafi a house and…” 

Cutting him off, Ianto had firstly told him to calm down and stop being so overdramatically American. 

He then asked Sonny some questions about what he was looking for, or given how he had an inkling of how the detective’s mind worked, what he wasn’t looking for. 

After much back and forth on Facetime, it essentially boiled down to Sonny wanting Rafael to have something that nobody else in New York would have. 

“Because there is no one else like him ya know,” Sonny said, and Ianto was almost blinded by the foolish grin on his face. 

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes and tease him, Ianto had then given him some options for jewellers in the UK, and after a beat, some links for jewellers in Japan as well since he had someone there who could help. 

It only took Sonny a couple of hours before he sent Ianto an email with “THIS ONE!!!!” written in the subject title, of course in all caps with an almost offensive number of exclamation marks. 

Ianto only had to take one look at what Sonny had chosen before replying with just one word. 

“Perfect.” 

**

****

**//Three months previously//**

It was a simple platinum ring, wide enough to suit Rafael’s broad hands, with delicate milgrain edges, and in the middle, a single emerald embedded in the band. Even through the screen, Sonny could see it on his future husband’s hand. 

Well, hopefully future husband, Sonny thought to himself. 

He could always say no.

Suddenly Sonny felt a darkness in the pit of his stomach, which he quickly tried to quell. But the truth was, even though Sonny was more certain of their relationship now more than ever, he would always have these moments where he would feel that Barba could do better than him. 

Especially now, since he knew more about Rafael’s dating history. Previously when he only had a sketchy idea of who Rafael had gone out with, it had been easier to dismiss them as somehow inferior to himself. 

But now he did and it was a genie he couldn’t put back in the bottle. That maybe he should be with someone like Jack Harkness, who practically oozed gorgeousness and charm, who would make Rafael feel envied, feel more than special. 

Not like he had downgraded to some Staten Island cop. 

Yes, Sonny was still a bit sore dammit. 

But the occurrences of that feeling cropping up were now few and far between. Especially when he came home to find Barba in his study, glasses perched on his nose and surrounded by law books. 

Oh yeah, they had moved in together, and that thought alone was enough to calm Carisi’s fears down a little. 

Getting the ring was a bit trickier though, given that the jeweller he picked was based in Japan. 

Thankfully… and Sonny would be forever grateful for this… Ianto had told him that he had a friend in Japan that could help. Otherwise, Sonny figured flying to Tokyo probably would have tipped Rafael off big time. 

Ianto’s friend, who he mentioned offhandedly to Sonny was some kind of rockstar, even managed to get him an extremely generous discount. Sonny was so grateful that he was a hair’s breadth away from sending Ianto’s friend a box of zeppole. 

However, when it arrived after a month of covert correspondence and having to deal with the headache of transferring money overseas, Sonny was taken aback at how huge the box was. It covered most of his desk and was plastered in what seemed like an endless number of postal and import stickers in multiple languages. 

He had to try his hardest to not rip it open there and then, knowing that him excitedly tearing into it in full view of everyone would probably invite more questions than he was willing to answer. 

Sonny congratulated himself for being patient enough to casually bring it to the break room before tearing into it. 

Opening it up, he was surprised to find the ring box hidden in the straw packing material alongside a bottle of 18-year Yamazaki single malt. A quick Google showed that not only had it been rated one of the best in the world, it was also extremely hard to get hold of. 

It came with a card too, and Sonny felt his emotions, which already had been running high over the ring and the unexpected gift, well up as he read what a complete stranger had written about him and Barba in elegant flowing script. 

“I don’t know you and I’ve never met you, but from the bottom of my heart I hope the person you give this ring to stays with you always, laughs with you always and dreams with you always. Congratulations.” 

Ah screw it, he would get this guy some zeppole by hook or by crook. 

Opening the ring box, Sonny’s heart tripped over at how much better it looked in real life. Now that he had it in his hand, his mental picture of Barba wearing it became even clearer. 

“Carisi, I need you to…” 

Sonny hurriedly snapped the box close as he heard Olivia’s voice behind him. 

“Yes Lieu?” Carisi answered, dropping the ring in his pocket in what he hoped was a casual gesture. But from the way her eyes darted from his face to his trousers, causing a small smile to break out across her face, Carisi knew that he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

Carisi inwardly groaned, of all the people who had to catch him, it had to be Benson right? 

“I need you to look over something. I can see that you have something else to deal with, but don’t take too long kay?” 

“Sure, sure Liv,” Sonny replied, putting the bottle of Japanese whisky back in the box. But when he turned back towards the door it was right into Olivia’s hug, as she gave him a firm squeeze across the top of his shoulders. 

“You will make each other really happy,” she said quietly, before letting him go, shooting him a smile as she left the break room.

Sonny took a deep breath and felt lighter when he exhaled it out. It appeared he had gotten the Pope’s approval so to speak. 

Now the only thing left to do was to propose. That should be the easy part right? After all they had already gone through so much, and taken such a long path to get back to each other. It was the biggest no brainer, after all Sonny wanted to marry him. 

And knowing Rafael, doing it in public or with some grand gesture would probably make him feel more irritated than enamoured. Carisi knew that his sisters would never let him live it down if they had found out that Rafael had snapped at him while attempting to propose. 

No, the best way was to do it at home, after dinner, when they were both in good moods. He could even do it tonight since it was his turn to cook. 

Maybe he needed to finish his paperwork first. 

Sonny stuffed the ring into his pocket as he picked up the folder that Benson had left on his desk. He started reading through it only to jump when his phone rang, the screen flashing an unfamiliar number. 

“Carisi,” he answered, anchoring his phone in the crook of his neck. 

“Detective Carisi, Jack McCoy here,” came a booming voice across the wires, which made Sonny sit straight up. 

“DA McCoy, what can I do for you sir?” 

“I wanted to talk to you about your application…” 

Carisi’s eyes grew wider and wider as McCoy kept talking, giving him options, giving him figures, until he finally got to the end. 

“So does it sound like a career change you are willing to make Detective?” 

“I don’t know what to say sir, but thank you for the opportunity,” Sonny said, hoping his voice didn’t betray his nerves. 

“Well talk it over with your superior, or your better half, and call me back on this number with your answer. Hope to see you in the office,” McCoy said pointedly before hanging up. 

Carisi sat back in his chair dumbstruck at what had just happened. Worry, joy, nervousness, anticipation, all these feelings tumbled through him like a kaleidoscope. 

He couldn’t wait to get home to tell Rafael. 

***

Before Carisi knew it, two months had passed by. A whirlwind of paperwork and interviews as he started the process of quitting his current job and settling into his new one. 

But through it all, Barba had been there helping him to make the transition. Whether it was holding his hand when the complexity of the red tape damn near made him weep, or smacking him across the back of the head when Carisi panicked about not being good enough. 

Still, his favourite form of support from Rafael was always when he kissed him on the temple and told him that everything would be okay. It was reserved for nights where Carisi’s outlook turned to the bleakest outcome. 

However, there was one more thing adding to his worries that made Carisi even more a bundle of nerves, which he couldn’t tell Barba about. 

He still hadn’t proposed yet, the ring still hiding in the corner of his bag. 

Sonny had really wanted to the night he had received the call from McCoy, but in his gut it didn’t really feel like the right moment. Not because that night was all about him, but a large part of Carisi wondered if the right time to ask someone to marry you was right before you made a huge career change. 

A leap of faith so massive over a potentially bottomless cliff. 

Not that Carisi didn’t think about it every other day, especially when Rafael did something nice or when they both were just sitting quietly on the couch. Yet, Sonny kept telling himself it was never the right time. 

He kept telling that to himself up until the day he turned in his gun, which was when the squad nearly made him tear up as they threw him a surprise party. 

Especially when the Lieu said, “Our Sonny Carisi…” 

“Hey, where is Barba?” Amanda asked Sonny after all the speeches were done. “I asked Liv to ask him as well.” 

“He is still in Dubai, but he should be boarding his plane in a couple of hours. His old boss needed help on something,” Sonny said, frowning as he checked his phone and saw that his messages to Rafael were still unread. 

He must be really busy, Sonny mused as he took a drink of his beer. 

“So he is going to miss your first day as an ADA? Well that sucks,” Amanda groused as she took a drink along with him. Sonny shrugged his shoulders. 

“He was there throughout it, and that was more important.” 

Amanda could not help but notice how happy Sonny looked, even through the nerves, he looked at peace with himself and where he was in his life. 

“Things going well between the two of you then?” she said, keeping her voice light, swallowing hard in case any of what she was feeling would spill over. 

But Sonny was no fool and he knew never to take anything from Amanda at face value. She was his best friend, he loved her so, and he hoped she would understand that and eventually find it in herself to be happy for him. 

Ianto was right yet again, love really was indefinable. But all that mattered was who it was that you reached for in the dark. 

“Look Rollins, I want you to know, no matter what happens, I got your back.” 

And he knew he wasn’t just talking about the job. There was so much that was still unknown, but he wanted her to know so badly that he would always be there. 

“I always got you,” he finished softly, and felt encouraged by the smile she gave him. Sonny clinked the necks of their beer bottles together as if to seal the promise. 

He was still riding high on his beer buzz a couple of hours later when he reached home, his thoughts filled with his schedule for the next day. But he got a pleasant surprise when he opened the door and found Barba’s suitcase in the hall. 

“Rafi? You home?” 

“Hey, welcome home Sonny,” Rafael said, stepping out of the kitchen so he could give his lover a kiss, which he responded. 

“I should be the one saying that to you. I thought your flight didn’t land until tomorrow lunch time.” 

Rafael shrugged. 

“I caught an earlier one. I certainly wasn’t going to miss your first day at a new job detective. Oh yeah it will be ADA Carisi now huh, Counselor?” Rafael drew out Sonny’s new title with an almost wicked glint in his eye as he saw his boyfriend flush. 

But his eyes soon turned apologetic. 

“I am sorry I missed your surprise party Sonny, I really did want to make it,” Rafael said with an almost uncharacteristic sincerity. 

Sonny shook his head as if to tell him not to worry. 

“You are here now, that is what matters.” Sonny kissed Rafael again as if to drive the point home. He closed his eyes to try and deepen the kiss only for them to fly open when Rafael smacked the top of his hand. 

“Haven’t you ever heard that its bad luck to have sex before a big change Counselor?” Rafael said archly. Sonny stared at the older man with his mouth open. 

“Is that why we would never have sex before you went to trial? Jesus Barba.”

“Blasphemy Carisi,” Rafael scolded, but there was nothing behind it really. “But I will have a drink with you before we go to bed.”

“Speaking of which…” 

Sonny froze as he saw a familiar bottle on the kitchen counter, one he swore he had hid on the top shelf in the tallest cupboard behind a jar of paprika. 

“Where on earth did you get this Yamazaki from? Never mind that it is ridiculously expensive, you can’t actually physically walk into a shop to buy this stuff.” 

Although Barba was curious as to Sonny’s answer, he found he couldn’t stop himself from stroking the bottle. 

“Erm, Ianto sent it over, to congratulate me on the new job,” Sonny made the lie up on his feet, and hoped that his delivery was convincing enough. Reaching over to the bottle, he tore off the seal in hopes that it would stop Barba from asking anything more. 

Pouring both of them a couple of fingers, Sonny handed Rafael the glass. 

“Wish me luck Rafi.” 

“You will need it Counselor.” 

***

Sonny awoke the next day with butterflies in his stomach. But he forced himself to calm down as he went about making breakfast, laying out his suit and just generally drinking far too many cups of coffee. 

In this state, Barba knew well enough not to try to talk to him or try and give him false reassurances. He knew that this was all about Carisi finding his own feet, and having someone else telling you that you that everything was going to be okay could sometimes be more infuriating than encouraging. 

“Well how do I look?” 

Sonny stood by the door with his arms by his side as he waited for Rafael to give him the final verdict. The suit he had chosen for today was dark blue, impeccably tailored, paired with an Oxford blue shirt from Rafael’s favourite store and an elegantly patterned red tie. 

He looked _damn_ good. 

But instead of answering, Rafael instead went up to his lover and started adjusting his tie so that the knot was straight. There was so much he wanted to say, but more than anything there were a few things he wanted Sonny to really know. 

“People will doubt you Sonny.

People will try and use you. 

You will find yourself pulled in all kinds of directions, and being forced to make choices that you hate, and compromises you never thought you would.

But believe in your gut, and hold on to your core beliefs.” 

Rafael smoothed down the lapels of Sonny’s suit with a practised hand. 

“You will win,” he smiled as red flushed Sonny’s cheeks.

Rafael’s smile faltered. 

“You will lose,” he said softly, sadness in the last syllable, but not for himself. Because although he swore he would do everything he could to protect that smile, he also knew he could not hold off the dragons forever.

That was simply how the game was played.

Before Sonny could say anything, Rafeal pulled his pocket square out and started folding it into a puff. 

“But above all, you will do good,” he finished, tucking the pocket square back in and giving a final dust to Sonny’s shoulders. 

Sonny felt all his emotions crowd at the back of his throat. 

The way that Rafael was looking at him right now made tingles go off beneath the surface of his skin. He was looking at him like he was proud of him, like he believed in him. 

Like he loved him. 

“Marry me,” Sonny blurted out. 

Once said, Sonny had to kick himself at how easy it was, how weightless he felt. What was he thinking that there was a right time to do this? Any time that they were together was the right time. 

But of all the ways he expected Rafael to react, the last thing he expected was for him to roll his eyes and pat him condescendingly on the shoulder. 

“Sure, sure Sonny. Now you better go before it gets too late. I hear that boss of yours is a real ball buster,” Rafael said briskly, handing him his coat. 

“What? I am serious here Rafi!” 

“Sonny,” Rafael gave him the look he always did when correcting what he called Sonny’s half-baked arguments. It never failed to make Sonny feel like he was twelve. 

“Look, you are emotional, you are embarking on something new, you are feeling overwhelmed right now…” 

“Rafael… shut up,” Sonny said exasperated as he reached inside his bag, rummaging around until he pulled out the ring box and flipped it open. 

For one of the few times in his life, Rafael was at a loss for words. 

“Oh.” 

“Like I said, will you marry me Rafi? And always make me happy?” Sonny said with a smile that threatened to crack his face. 

For a moment Rafael just looked at the ring silently, staying quiet for so long until Sonny became nervous. 

But all that went away the minute Rafael took his face in his hands and kissed him, deeply, with all his unspoken feelings on his lips. 

Before Sonny could properly kiss him back, Rafael pushed him away in a manner that clearly told him that he was being dismissed. 

“Ask me again when you get home,” Rafael said with a grin. 

Sonny gawped at his boyfriend. 

“Oh come on Rafi, you can’t do this to me…” Sonny said only half-jokingly. 

His heart stumbled though when Rafael’s expression suddenly turned serious. 

“You know the answer Sonny. But it is your first day at a new office, I need you to be focused and ready to kick ass okay?” 

Sonny’s blue eyes softened. He knew mixed in with genuine concern was Rafael asking him for some time to process this, in his own uniquely snarky way. 

“Okay sure Rafi. Dinner later tonight? Text you the place later,” Sonny kissed Rafael on the forehead before dashing out the door with a wave. 

As he closed the door behind him, Rafael realised that Sonny had left the ring on the key table. Opening the box, he silently looked down at the ring and its exquisitely simple design and felt fondness curve the corners of his mouth. 

Of course Sonny knew the answer, but Rafael was still going to say it. 

***

~The End~

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly thank you all who read this and left comments and kudos, you guys are the best *gives cookies all around*. Before this I hadn't sat down and done a real long writing piece in a while, and although I loved the process it frustrated me as well, so all your encouragement really helped. 
> 
> I've come to really love this fandom as complicated as it is, and there are so many great writers here that I never not feel inadequate. I always think I can do better, and I may just rewrite parts of this someday. but thank you again for reading it and I hoped you enjoyed it. Also please forgive mistakes as I don't have a beta. 
> 
> I definitely want to write more (and let's see how to the show goes). I think Barba is definitely going to come back for something, so maybe there is something there :) 
> 
> Songs used: 
> 
> 1\. Petrified ~ Raul Esparza (from the OST for Taboo: https://shorturl.do/3ICz4)  
> 2\. 影踏み ~ The GazettE (from the album DIVISION: https://shorturl.do/38pxS)  
> 3\. Cassis ~ The GazettE (from the album Nil: https://shorturl.do/iF7yU)  
> 4\. うたかた~ Kagrra, (from the album 雫 :https://shorturl.do/GVPze)
> 
> Also in case anyone is curious, this is what Jack Harkness looks like ( https://shorturl.do/se0dr) and this is what Ianto Jones looks like (https://shorturl.do/IEJ0t)


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